Annoying My Friends, Non-Licensed Relationship advice, and a map of Hawaii

I sat down with two friend and I told them I was celebrating women on my blog this month. I then proceeded to ask for some ideas: the following hilarity ensued.

Conv 1:

Why don’t you talk about what you like in a woman
MrMary: Too easy – I love women with english bull dogs as pets Why MrMary: Because they are used to hearing heavy breathing and getting slobbed on their feet and on crotch level. When we do it there will be that familiar tingle of nostalgia. It will be memorable
You’re a fool

Conv 2

Show your soft side, bitches like niccaz with a soft side
MrMary: Yeah I like that, Im’ like a baguette
Wtf Negro ?
MrMary: Yeah once you get past the hard exterior, I got a non lubricated soft side and if you butter me up right (with compliments) I’ll feed ya

Convo 3

All those books you read, its a shame. Give me a non dirty joke answer
MrMary: Sure!!Only if you say that again and arch your back like you really want it
MrMary: Im so sorry I am so juvenile. I developed my vocabulary without addressing my mommy issues
What mommy Issues do you have?
MrMary: I say the right things wrongly when there are no mamis on my lap. [ the hook on that song is I’ve got all of my mamis. Tell me, what you, want from me.”]

A Relationship Advice for the Guys/Girls

I am going to be serious and give you the best  advice I’ve learned the hard way about relationships. To compensate for all the horribly raunchy stuff I said

I’m naturally very giving. It seems God has blessed me with women who can climax through bludgeoning. It’s easy to give under such circumstances, less taxing on my knees. Plus if I am on my knees too long I get a flashback to this music video, which musically was horribly but was for some reason popular the past.

So enough of my joking around:

A relationship is like a Martin acoustic guitar. Not only do you need to know how to play the fine tuned instrument, i.e compromise and all that relationship stuff, it is important to respect the space in the guitar. Without empty space no sound will be made. Both people need to have a space to be their own  person hang out with friends, watch TV etc. Coming together doesn’t mean one stops being a social entity.

A man married 60 years once told me the key to a successful marriage is to have separate bathrooms and close the door when using it. Think about it. No matter how beautiful a lady is having the door open when you’re punishing the bowl takes away from your allure and charm. Same for guys. Also after 27 -28 you can’t do the garlicky meat and beer diet any more, it’s not fair to nature and sewage treatment facilities.

Be a Man

Guys at some point you have to make that transition from being boys to men. My grandfather told me to be a man is to be responsible and accountable for others under your care, for your own nonsense, and to sacrifice. No one should have to suffer for your indecisiveness, anger, frustration, lack of maturity etc. While I was ‘with my lady I never bought anything for myself before my lady. I wore my shoes till they were eroded and felt the nails in  my feet. I wore my clothes till they looked like Swiss-cheese. But whatever make-up (sparkly Mac, eye-shadow, new jacket, new shoes, (within reason of course) my wife needed she got first. Same for whatever I could help my sister with concerning her school school, books, food. Summing up: Other people/animals should never suffer because deep down inside your a douche. 

You can never say thank you enough to each other. A gift given in sincerity is worth it’s weight in gold. Every time I could afford to I brought my lady a flower. It doesn’t have to be the biggest bouquet either. When I had no cash for flowers I would tell her to open a cookbook and pick whatever she liked and I made it for her, a nice sexy chocolatey dessert after dinner , after which I gave her what I made for her 🙂 The DaterofBoys had a nice post yesterday about this, check it out. Notice how the blog is named how to date boys, not how to date real men – cuz real men shell out for flowers, vacations and knee pads. (sorry)

If you looked hot and fit when you met your lady/man it is imperative I feel to maintain that hotness or fitness within reason. Of course couples always gain some weight after getting together. But I personally feel that for me at least, I should not get all slobby (yeah the state of being a slob) esp when I started off looking like Heracules fighting the Nemean Lion in the mirror. Luckily for me she didnt notice my wonderous personality first in the hotel mirror. [Sorry Hotel mirror is my phrase of the day]

If I give you any more pearls of wisdom this would be a bad date first date, and promotion for Kleenex it could also be a Mercator project map of Hawaii. Enjoy!

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