Celebrating Women in the Month of March: HowNotToProposeToAWoman – Particularly Someone you may like

In my prior post I promised to do something to celebrate women in the month of March. So far I let my class out early, I ate some pie without hands/forks/decency. Did you know eating sour cherry pie like that works both the Genioglossus and Styloglossus muscle. This is actually true, I did have sour cherry pie at a diner and I did work out some muscles eating it . To address the questions some of you deviants are thinking, my hands weren’t tied behind my back though as it would have disturbed the table next to us of older black women getting ready to go to Washington DC to protest/rally for women’s rights, women’s health insurance. (Being the only man of color tied up  isn’t a good look, historically)

I thought I would look back to all the mistakes I have made or others who confide in me have made in their/our relationships and share my words of wisdom with men in general. Ladies it’s what we in the business call a pre-emptive strike , which coincidentally is also another dating technique where the guy prepares himself for both a statistically unlikely invitation by his date into the iniquitous den of sexual congress, by (no nice way to say it) ‘helping to put Mr. Kleenex’s kids through college’. So without further ado

HowNotToProposeToAWoman

I had the great fortune of proposing to a lady 3 times. She said yes every time but we never got married for you see I have a contempt/rancor for public celebrations, ceremonies, courts, decency and documentation. I have yet to meet someone so tall so large, so well fed off of the tender victuals only reserved for the Gods  that they can give me a license to marry someone dumb enough to say yes to my proposal :-).

Prerequisites to Proposing

1. It helps to love/know/have had sex/have broken up 2-3 times but gotten back together because of slim picking and the depressed economy, with the women you are proposing to
2. Do not have contempt for the institution of marriage or any institution
3. Do not do so after 4 hours of drinking tequila stuttering around the Vegas Strip. Sober up enough to get a stable erection first (ah the hilarity! but that’s not a PC story to tell)
4. Have a ring! Scientifically speaking there is a relationship between women saying yes and overly priced jewelry or expensive materials.
5. Practice your tense waiting to exhale smile in the mirror. Flashing this smile at the right time works like the combo of spermicide and lubricant on those dry winter days

Getting It In 

Fellas some ladies like the bending down on on knee thing, my lady at the time didn’t care for that, she had bought me the fancy pants I was wearing and hated how I got shit so dirty, so quickly (btw I reminded  her that she liked that on our first date and after an eye roll and a punch to the arm, I was reminded it was inappropriate to say that at a family dinner). If she does like it [traditional on the knees proposal] I would suggest having her close her eye while you put on a priest collar. As she opens her eyes I would make the sign of the cross and say: Dominus Vobiscum. If she is Roman Catholic she may run away and emergency-call her therapist. Don’t panic the Church gives out good retirement packages/handout/payouts for such occurrences.

The idea to get into your head now  is that you no longer belong to yourself, in a good way. Two people magically become one entity, sort of how Centaurs are born in a way but not really. You no longer think in terms of I but in ‘we’, and we here means ‘Her’.

In my old age I found the process of marriage is like adopting a pet from the local ASPCA or shelter, because right before you go home to the one who has chosen you and gotten you hooked on the steady diet of stale pellets of laughing at your bullshit, and feigning patience with your idiosyncracies, and occasionally getting you new toys, you have to get your balls chopped off. Don’t fight it, sometimes they miss and your ass gets chewed out.

Here is what not to say:

Young MrMary: Hey You look nice tonight (Making a positive sammich)
Ladyof YoungMrmary’s Affection: Thanks…you’re not so bad yourself
Young MrMary: Yeah the coke bloat has passed I don’t look so puffy…
(I shouldn’t have said that, guys abort mission if you reference drug use in your proposal)
Ladyof YoungMrmary’s Affection: uhm…. You have had to much to drink dear
Young MrMary: Eh I was just flushing out the piping ya know, viens..arteries…urethra
Ladyof YoungMrmary’s Affection: You’re an idiot
Young MrMary: You ‘member when we played baseball as kids, you looked and looked but never found a mitt that fit right…..You’re like that mitt for me
(Comparing the object of your affection to harden leather bound mitt that you stuff your hand and balls into is neither classy nor romantic)
Ladyof YoungMrmary’s Affection:…. uhm yeah?
Young MrMary: yeah it’s like you fit me like a glove not just sexually (Horrible air thrusting gesture) but in so many ways
Ladyof YoungMrmary’s Affection: <More Laughter> You’re a fucking idiot
Young MrMary: Love it when you talk dirty, ….Here is a ring …..It’s made of coconut, got it in Oliveras Street when we were in LA, I think that makes it official …. You’re supposed to nod and we go off to pork
(Uhm Not the best thing to say, it takes away from the Romantic feel)
Ladyof YoungMrmary’s Affection: Excessively Laughter…OK Sure why not…..Can you even walk
Young MrMary: No but I can just fall strategically in the right place
Ladyof YoungMrmary’s Affection: You’re a fucking jerk-off
Young MrMary: Yeah we can start off with that.

Things to keep in Mind

This your wife’s special day. As my grandfather who raised 10 children said: A man’s special day is when they put him in the ground because he can finally rest. You have to make this memorable for her the right way. This means clean underwear, no drinking, no dirty joke references. You have to look serious and poised as if you know what you’re getting into.

This really happened, and I am telling you the most tame parts. Learn from my mistakes. I only remembered bits and pieces because well afterwards I went on a Long Island Iced Tea binge, and  made such an asshole of myself I got to hear this story told over and over and over again.

Hi Five ladies I just saved you all a lot of headache 

Shout to this blog. I had writers cerebral palsy and reading her last posts set me straight and inspired this post

Senor Mary