To day is international Woman’s day and as someone with access to but anatomically without a vagina I want to join in the festivities (‘deep’ within the festivities). This is important to me, especially as someone who loves women, especially from the back (doggy not skatalogically like the ancient Greeks – unless you don’t mind bad aim and acid trips.) Also the majority of my readers are sexy ladies, and of course they have a special place in my heart, right before I would imagine the sinal atrial nodes coerce the left ventricle to send some blood to my penis, then its more of a special place in this weeks laundry bag but that is besides the point I am making here.
I have been wracking my brain as to how to celebrate women. Last year I bought a big bowl of soup (Pho) and ate it without a spoon. It may sound like an easy task but it wasn’t. I have to shave closely first, then there was this whole business of spelling out letters, side note strawberry flavored lubricant and the star anise in the pho really clashed. But you know been there done that, I am an innovator I’m not about to redo my semantics from a year ago. But I’ve hit a mental road block, now everything is considered sexual harassment and a violation of decency. From what I learned at the sexual harassment ‘workshop’ asking a lady for permission to sniff her seat after she get’s up is inappropriate but also sexual harassment. But turns out that it is not as looked down upon as offering co-workers to smell my seat for the sake of equality.
Normally when I cant think of anything I turn to the internet to get my answers. According to a the follow article. I got a list of 10 things to do to celebrate the fairer sex. I thought I would list , as I am a maverick and innovator, why these suggestions won’t work, for me
Take the day off
I got into a heated fight with the pops today. Supposedly he didn’t want to take me up on my offer to put him to sleep for an early morning nap. But my mom got exercise as being the family diplomat as I didnt show up to work today. I took the day off but my promotional pugilistic acts would taint, well it would taint a day to celebrate taints.
Give flowers to women
Sounds like a prelude to some Danse Macabre. Also most women wont accept things from a random negro off the Internet. I wouldn’t, well unless it’s a 40 oz and despair, and according to some republicans other peoples hard working money because I don’t contribute anything to society except crime and giving low income housing a bad name.
But hey fuck it, if any of you ladies out there want a flower from a mesomorphically chiseled, 30 year old, bioinformaticist/Grad School adjunct Professor let me know I will send you an actual flower.
Donate money to women’s causes
I’ve been there and done that nothing new. I also support 2 children through the CHildFund International
One acronym for you NYPD, and I need to work without broken bones and being pepper-sprayed. NYPD is fucking crazy serious, on the real I’ve been living here for 30 years. Shit really goes down, don’t let all the newspapers and Newsweek tell you there is no police brutality.
Wear Red lipstick
Believe it or not, I have worn red lip stick but for me and most men its an below the waist kind of adornment, and if I were to have it applied the same way it wouldnt be celebrating women so much as my own self indulgence and articulation of my moral skulduggery,
Stand on a bridge ( this will involve some urban NYC slang and possible allusion to the N word)
If niccaz hanging on the corner get picked and locked up, what will happen to niccaaz on a bridge? I imagine they would get hung up for practicality.I’ve seen that movie already.
Check out some art
I blowdry my whole body in front of the mirror to save trees, sorta like hot air dryers in public bathroom do. Unfortunately it hasn’t sunken in that cottons doesn’t grow from trees, just from hopelessness and exploitation…but it suffice it to say every morning I get my art-on, on.
Eat a cupcake
Yes I will eat a cupcake, I don’t know if this is a oral sex reference or jsut simply there is understated rule that eating a cupcake frees women from oppression in war torn countries in Africa,Latin America, the Middle East.
Defeat sexual harassment
Being a christian gentleman and leading by example is how I defeat and fight sexual harassment. I also watch Oxygen and We. I let women who make more than me take me to dinner, and I put out no matter how stupid what they say is.
Look back — and forward
I am against this you have to look side to side to cross the street. People can really get hurt especially in the UK where U have to sit on the handbrake to drive on the other side of the road.
I will write random post celebrating women through the month of March. I will talk about the most disparate things celebrating women, what not to do, what to do, what to pretend that you cant do, what to pretend you can etc. But before I get into all of that here are some female bloggers who I am happy blog, and who I am happy to read. They so happen to be hot/cute/alluring/funny/nice/ and tolerate my bullshit and stupid remarks….. So Thanks to you all
http://groundingmyroots.wordpress.com (my chinese lil sis , so come correct)