MrMary Responds || Woman seeks divorce because her husband didn’t like ‘Frozen’

The Japanese blog and forum Kikonsha no Hakaba, or the aptly named Marriage Graveyard, got a shock last week when one of its readers, a 31-year-old husband, revealed that the Disney blockbuster had upended his otherwise stable marriage. The man, who was not named, should have been primed to enjoy the movie: After all, he was a student of Danish literature, which gave life to Frozen‘s inspiration, Hans Christian Andersen’s tale of the Snow Queen. His literary degree garnered him an annual salary of 11 million yen—equivalent to a tidy six figures in U.S. dollars. This let him lead a comfortable, debt-free lifestyle and enabled his 29-year-old wife to live on his salary. And thus it had been for the duration of their six-year-marriage, until he uttered the fateful words:

“It’s an OK movie, I guess, but I didn’t really care for it personally… Do you really think it’s that good?”

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I still believe that marriage is a  shoddy contract at best. Some couple can re-purpose that contract into something beautiful but those couples are far and few in between.  if you read the article you will see that the couple had no serious problems and had a steady relationship. If you believe that, then can I ask you

1. Would you leave someone you loved if they didn’t like a movie you liked
2. Do you think that the dude dodged a bullet
3. Can you offer any comments or thoughts on this that doesn’t include or blame the patriarchy ?

I think he dodged a bullet, personally but this is ridiculous.

Love & Sex Narratives and the Death of Public Discourse

This is what goes through my head when I see a news story in the love and sex category. Chances are I can predict where the whole article is going to go. I thought that it be a nice to illustrate what I mean. There are four general narratives when it comes to love and sex stories. Let me list them for you.

1. Tried something that is considered by my general demographic to be taboo. It made me question myself, my values and ideology. I feel that while I may not have any answers I am more tolerant of other people’s differences. Also This new thing I tried may be great for me and I wanted to write 2000 self-congratulatory words.
2. We (we hear meaning this massive seemingly homogeneous society devoid of class racial and linguistic differences to name a few) need to stop doing this behavior that chastises, judges and promotes negative stereotypes which are damaging to many people (despite the fact that most of the people featured in the pictures are by majority Caucasians.
3. Trying something new later in life. I am going to compare and contrast what I thought about it to what it actually is, or I will talk about an extreme behavior I encountered and try to make either some grand sweeping generalizations about a group of people
4. Reflection of past ideologies, thoughts and experiences, some surprising things 1/5 of the way in but this is followed up by reflections of irony. Some times there are just ironic sardonic reflections.

Click on the pictures and see which narrative they fall under. Give or take most can be described and summed up by one narrative or a combination of the narratives listed above.  Tell me what you think.

Top Love and Sex Stories

I was a horrible hooker: Schoolgirl outfits, wealthy execs and Hawaii — Asa Akira remembers her two escort experiences Escort money seemed so easy for a porn star. Then I forgot the condoms and had my own “Pretty Woman” cliché

Stop publicly shaming the #aftersex selfie-takers The much-bemoaned Instagram phenomenon deserves more credit.

I finally had an orgasm, and my husband didn’t even know I went to a sex class to spice up our marriage. The toy I bought worked — but afterward, I felt lonelier than ever

Polyamory works for us Our lives and loves sound complicated, and the world doesn’t really understand — but the truth is quite simple

“Sir, that is your penis!” How a lifetime habit of people pleasing came to a head on one truly hideous first date

Swinging upstate A new divorcee, her boyfriend, and a couple of tiara-wearing swingers walk into a bar…

A frat boy’s “gay experience” I always considered myself straight. What happened with Tom left me questioning everything about my sexuality

Monica was our sex-ed teacher My generation of women came of age against the backdrop of the Lewinsky scandal, and it shaped our view of sex

My sexual awakening at 70 I was a nice, Jewish girl taught to believe sex was dirty. Fifteen years after my husband died, all that changed

Our vasectomy love story My husband’s surgery signaled the end of possibility, but I realized it was the beginning of something else

Women obsess over the size of their privates, too A new book shows ladyparts in all their diverse glory. It’s just what women need in a plastic surgery-obsessed age

Why don’t women know what men find attractive? We spend a lot of time trying to be what the opposite sex wants, but we’re bad at actually predicting what that is

 

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Please, Don’t Misunderstand me

I have been very fortunate to have taken classes on rhetoric when I was younger and be on the speech and debate team. Rhetoric is the art of discourse which aims to improve the capability of writers or speakers to inform, persuade, or motivate particular audiences in specific situations. Going back to my homey Aristotle there are three ways that one can influence an audience. One can appeal to their emotion, their sense of logic, or the guiding beliefs or ideals that characterize a community, nation etc

When I look at these articles I am at a loss. There are no arguments presented, no stunning bit of logic presented us that will restore our faith in ourselves, or neighbor or the ideology our nations so expouse. I am not being engaged, or if I am it is only superficially. What I see is rather stock stories repeated again and again – the characters are a bit changed, the situation a bit changed but the outcome is always predictably the same. I am starting to feel that the need to talk intelligently about our lives and the world around it and the vast cycles of history we find ourselves in  are not the concern of the news media outlet.

I love Salon.com. As someone who writes I am very happy the authors get to feature their works and hopefully get paid for them.  My issues is with the media itself. Maybe it’s just me but does anyone get what I am saying ? When I read Habermas’ works on the public sphere many years ago I didn’t see the depth of it’s implications till now. It’s become increasing difficult to read the news and also comment on it as I feel I adding to the mess.

According to Habermas, a variety of factors resulted in the eventual decay of the public sphere, including the growth of a commercialmass media, which turned the critical public into a passive consumer public; and the welfare state, which merged the state with society so thoroughly that the public sphere was squeezed out. It also turned the “public sphere” into a site of self-interested contestation for the resources of the state rather than a space for the development of a public-minded rational consensus.  … […] … Habermas outlined how our everyday lives are penetrated by formal systems as parallel to development of the welfare state, corporate capitalism and mass consumption. These reinforcing trends rationalize public life. Disfranchisement of citizens occurs as political parties and interest groups become rationalized and representative democracy replaces participatory one. In consequence, boundaries between public and private, the individual and society, the system and the life world are deteriorating. Democratic public life cannot develop where matters of public importance are not discussed by citizens. An “ideal speech situation” requires participants to have the same capacities of discourse, social equality and their words are not confused by ideology or other errors. In this version of the consensus theory of truth Habermas maintains that truth is what would be agreed upon in an ideal speech situation.

 

MrMary Reflects || Geishas, Monogamy & Infidelity III

I thought I’d would offer my final thoughts in this, the last installment of this series. A few ideas impacted me as I have been writing this series.

• Promiscuity is a significant part of primate mating and reproductive behavior. Some speculate that we are by nature designed to be sexual omnivores.
• As I talked about before marrying for love is a development of the Enlightenment. We have only been doing so for the last 2-300 years. Currently, less than 20 percent of world cultures require monogamy.
• The popularity of the nuclear family began after the Industrial revolution.
• The sexual tourism industry is a global phenomenon indulged in by both men and women.
• Statistics show that the high prevalence of infidelity by both men and women.

I don’t think that monogamy is the society’s one size fits all answer to relationships. I feel that there is a deeper issue at work.

We Distance Ourselves from What We Really Are

An ex-gf asked me once what did I think about marriage. I told her that: “I didn’t think it was anything special being that some animals mate for life. There should not be any points given for doing something  animals do.  I don’t get points for shitting in the grass or doing it doggy style, do I?” She didn’t find that funny. Yet I shared that with you to bring up a point. Civilization makes us imagine that we are something higher and more evolved than animals. We have spent centuries denying and suppressing our animal self.  I’m not advocating a descent into savagery. Good mental, emotional, and psychological health is dependent on balancing our animal and spiritual nature. Spirituality isn’t drumming in a park on mushrooms or whatever counts for spirituality nowadays. Let me give you an example. This below is a picture of a recently unearthed, double ended Bronze dildo from the Han Dynasty, it is about 2000 years old.

This was might have been in use around when Jesus was preaching at fish fries, bringing in wine to parties to give you some context. Once we accept both sides of our nature and not promote one at the expense of the other we can come to terms with the reality of relationships. The centuries long suppression of women and our animalistic nature has lead in part to our imbalance.

According to the animal kingdom, monogamy is exceedingly uncommon in the natural world. In fact, with advances in the technology of genetic testing, many of the species previously lauded as being lifelong monogamous, are now known to actually have many sexual encounters outside their seemingly monogamous partnerships. Among mammals, only a very few species live in seemingly monogamous arrangements, and fewer still maintain sexual fidelity within those relationships. Man certainly does not seem to be one of them. There is increasing evidence that many men are not biologically or psychologically disposed to sexual monogamy.

I find it interesting that monogamy and sexual fidelity are not one and the same, for animals and for possibly for human as well.

In closing I think if over half of divorces occur because of infidelity and one in 25 dads unknowingly raise children that they didn’t father then that is cause to rethink some things.

Done.

MrMary

What taboo topic should i run my mouth about next?

MrMary Reflects || Geishas, Monogamy & Infidelity

DISCLAIMER: I am side stepping the normal horse-shit polemics that normally plague any discussion of marriage and infidelity, in the hopes that we are all adults. Reader discretion is advised.

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“But, drawn to her at that moment, he felt a quiet like the voice of the rain flow over him. He knew well enough that for her it was in fact no waste of effort, but somehow the final determination that it was had the effect of distilling and purifying the woman’s existence.”

― Yasunari Kawabata, Snow Country

I recently started reading Snow Country by Kawabata. For those new to Kawabata, Snow Country is a stark tale of a love affair between a Tokyo dilettante and a provincial geisha that takes place in the remote hot spring town.

I was surprised to learn while researching that “the hot spring regions of Japan were home to inns, visited by men traveling alone and in groups, where paid female companionship had become a staple of the economy.” This got me thinking.

Paying for female companionship is an ancient business practice. Furthermore sexual tourism is a quite popular nowadays, and not just for men as I reported in this previous post:

When white women flock to Jamaica for a little fun in the sun, the RandR they’re often looking for is not Rest and Relaxation but to Rent a Rasta according to director J. Michael Seyfert. His eye-opening expose’ sheds light on a barely acknowledged form of sex tourism, namely, white women who visit the Caribbean Islands to get their groove back with the help of black locals. Most of those inclined to indulge their Island Fever with wanton abandon are apparently middle-aged and/or overweight spinsters. Ignored by white men, and afraid to date blacks openly due to the social taboo, they look for satisfaction at remote resorts amidst the anonymity offered by a virtual paradise. These decadent dames safely lure their boy toys with money, electronic gadgets, designer clothes, baubles, or whatever material item it takes to get uncomplicated sexual favors in return along with the strict understanding that like in Las Vegas, What happens in Jamaica, stays in Jamaica.

Looking at the history of paid companionship and the prevalence of sexual tourism, I wonder how honest are we about our own sexuality? More importantly, how honest are we about monogamy? The following chart  lists some interesting statistics on infidelity.

This data leads me to believe that we have unrealistic expectations for both marriage and monogamy. People nowadays live longer and their lives are not ruled by religion as they were before. There are sites for casual and online dating. I’m not advocating that you unbuckle your pants and look for trouble. I am also not advocating that you spread them Panama Canal style and let all ships that pay a tariff ( usually the cost of a dinner) pass.

What I am saying is that we need to revisit our social attitudes towards monogamy. Sooner or later it will happen the same way it did for marriage.

What do you guys thinks ?

On a side note look at how marriage was defined in the Old Testament back in the day

Responding to a comment || Why I feel Marriage Fail as Much as they Do

I got this comment on my post MrMary Sarcastically Responds || 21 Ways You Do Not Want To Be Proposed To from Asklotta:

Let me tell you exactly why people get married with a 50% success rate…Because no one on their death bed said, I wish I was more selfish, I wish I had more me time, I wish I didn’t have family that loved me,…AND trust me on this one, they never said I wish I didn’t love as much as I did.

This comment made me think of a quote that my grandfather was fond of saying: “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.” I believe that every human being has a want and need to be self-less. Every human beings wants to love someone with all their heart, and in turn feel that they are completely loved by another. I believe that with all my heart. But what I have sat up late thinking about is how we go about achieving these goals.

My opinion is that we need to look at the vehicles through which we express our love for those near to and far from our hearts. One of the things I have criticized a lot has been marriage. Marriage is one institution through which we can express our love and selflessness. Joking aside, I believe that it is a beautiful thing when it works between mature adults. The key word is mature.

When I look out at the world I fail to see mature individuals male or female. I can say at least in the USA, our society isn’t producing mature individuals. By mature here, I do not mean able to do their own laundry, balance a check book and read the Sunday New York Times. By mature I mean in the psychological sense. Have we confronted our woundedness from past hurts? Do inferiority complexes color the vision of the world around us?

Each one of us is wounded, much more so then we would like to admit. There are many tell-tale signs that we are still ruled by past hurts. Look at for example our destructive environmental policies. Let’s also add to the mix our practice of mass incarceration and surveillance as well as our international record of belligerence.

About five years ago in the Bronx, I had a Marine break down into tears while talking to me about his experiences in war,. He felt without a place in society, no one cared about him or his PTSD, who was there to help him cope ? He’s is not the only case. Almost every generation since the beginning of this country;s history has been privy to war. (WW1, WW2, Vietnam, Korea, Persian Gulf War , Iraq War, Afghanistan War, Mexican American War to name a few.) How many immigrants in this nation of immigrants came here fleeing persecution? What happens when these people lay down roots and start a family ? How stable are their families? How about the diverse demographics that live in fear of discrimination in our countries? Bottom line is that society is factory skilled in the production of maimed people. Unfortunately two maimed people put together do not equal a whole person.

I advocate cohabitation because it allows us a chance to become aware of our own woundedness. In living with MrsMary for 8 years now I have learned a lot about myself. I have had to go to therapy a few times to help me address the weight of what I carry. I think that the institution of marriage today, should take into account a few things.

1. The increase rates of depression
2. The ramifications on families inopportune financial times have
3. The excessive amount of time spent working
4. The effects the focus on the nuclear family

There is a point in every relationship where the fairy tales stops. At some point something the other person says or does holds a mirror up to your face. Maybe for the first time you  really see yourself and you don’t like what you see, maybe you see yourself in a recurring awful situation. Whatever the case is, we on a whole are not ready to handle those moments. We’ve spent a life time running from ourselves and our shadow and we are left defenseless when it catches up to us.

Eh I think that’s about it
I’m done ranting and raving

Enjoy!

Thanks to all of you for reading and leaving comments, I really appreciate your sincerity and you making me think