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Saw a couple Fighting: Thoughts on Intimate Partner Violence & Women

IPV logoIntimate partner violence (IPV), defined as physical, sexual, psychological, or emotional abuse, or threat of abuse, by a current or former spouse or partner is a critical public health concern. Recent evidence has shown that IPV is not limited to adult populations. It is quite common among adolescents and young adults. Exposure to intimate partner violence is now being documented at younger and younger ages. The (CDC) have estimated that between 12% and 20%, or nearly one-fifth, of middle and high school students experience physical or psychological abuse in dating relationships.

The lady was yelling: Give me back my phone!!! and from the look on the guy’s face he probably found some incriminating text messages or photos of a dick that clearly not his. In between bouts of cursing the lady slaps him in the face a couple of times.  They get into a shoving match initiated by the lady. Then some people step in because the guy face got grave and serious, the way it did on the school yard  right before shit went down. This got me thinking.

According to a study done by Straus and Gelles in couples reporting spousal violence, 27% of the time the man struck the first blow; in 24% of cases, the woman initiated the violence. The rest of the time, the violence was mutual, with both partners brawling.  It goes without saying of course that male violence more times than not, does more damage than female violence. Women are more likely to be injured and/or hospitalized and female partners are more likely to be killed by their male partners than the reverse.

With that Said

I want to ask or talk about instigation and initiation of fights as I had had two relative with really abusive wives, I mean frying pan to the head 10 stitches  type of abuse. There was also my friend’s parents as well. I want to hear from people who know that in wanting to talk about this subject, I am not saying that domestic violence doesn’t happen and that women don’t get killed from it. Asking a fucking “why?” isn’t comparable to condone violence against innocents!

I’m trying tp understand why relationships are so violent and corrosive to general healthy psychology and growth. There are clearly religious, economic and class, gender and a host of other factors as to why we see what we do. I’m trying to get a better idea of why that’s all.


Fiebert, M. S., & Gonzalez, D. M. (1997).  Women who initiate assaults: The reasons offered for such behavior. Psychological Reports, 80, 583-590.  (A sample of 968 women, drawn primarily from college courses in the Southern California area, were surveyed regarding their initiation of physical assaults on their male partners.  29% of the women, n=285, revealed that they initiated assaults during the past five years. Women in their 20’s were more likely to aggress than women aged 30 and above.  In terms of reasons, women appear to aggress because they did not believe that their male victims would be injured or would retaliate.  Women also claimed that they assaulted their male partners because they wished to engage their attention, particularly emotionally.)

Flynn, C. P. (1990).  Relationship violence by women: issues and implications.  Family Relations, 36, 295-299.  (A review/analysis article that states, “researchers consistently have found that men and women in relationships, both marital and premarital engage in comparable amounts of violence.  Author also writes, “Violence by women in intimate relationships has received little attention from policy makers, the public, and until recently, researchers…battered men and abusive women have receive ‘selective inattention’ by both the media and researchers.”)

Dutton, D. G., Nicholls, T. L., & Spidel, A. (2005).  Female perpetrators of intimate abuse.  Journal of Offender Rehabilitation, 41, (4) 1-31.  (A review article examining issues related to female abusers.  Authors conclude, based on survey and epidemiological studies, that females are as abusive as males in intimate relationships.  They note that this is “especially so for younger cohort samples followed longitudinally.“)

    Dutton-Greene, L. B., & Straus, M. A. (2005, July).  The relationship between gender hostility and partner violence and injury.  Paper presented at the 9th International Family Violence Research Conference, Portsmouth, NH.  (Report of findings from international dating violence Study which collected data from over 11,000 <70% women> college students from 50 universities in 21 countries.  Subjects responded to the revised Conflict Tactics scale, gender hostility scales and injury scales.  Findings reveal that women perpetrated greater partner violence than men, that women were more seriously injured than men and that hostility toward the opposite sex was significantly and similarly correlated with partner violence for men and women.)


Equality and An Asymmetry in Relationships



           Intimate relationship is never the priority in a masculine man’s life and always the priority in a feminine woman’s life. If a man has a masculine sexual essence, then his priority is his mission, his direction toward greater release, freedom, and consciousness. If a woman has a feminine sexual essence, then her priority is the flow of love in her life, including her relationship with a man whom she can totally trust, in body, emotion, mind, and spirit. Man and woman must support each other in their priorities if the relationship is going to serve them both.

If she has a feminine sexual essence, her core will be fulfilled when love is flowing. For example, she can experience difficulties in her career, but if full love is flowing in her life—with her children, friends, and with you—then her core will be fulfilled. If you have a masculine sexual essence, then your woman and children can be loving you all day and night, but if your career or mission is obstructed, you will not feel at ease. You won’t even want to share much intimate time with your woman until you have your career or mission back on track. Your woman’s core is fulfilled by love. Your core is released from stress by aligning your life with your mission. To you, intimacy is something to be enjoyed in addition to your purpose. To your woman, intimacy is at the core of her life, and the tone of your intimacy colors everything else she does.

~ David Deida

I have said in a previous post that our socio-political concept of equality doesn’t carry over into our intimate relationships. I was asked recently to elaborate. The quote selection above explicates in much clearer words what I would say.

There is an asymmetry in relationship between people with a distinctive masculine or feminine core (which account for 80% of relationships). In the context of this asymmetry which is a product of differences in our drives, psychology and biology both participants cannot be said to be on even terms.

From My Own Experience

Every important male figure in my life has in their own way given me their insight on finding one’s purpose. I have a vision of how I want to live and that has been the goal I have worked towards since I was aware that I could work to bright about my unique vision. I feel that until a man has found what is his purpose in life he is not full alive. He also is not mature. Pursuing my vision and failing and having to go back to the drawing board each time has caused me to grow in ways I couldn’t have imagined. I have had to learn passion, humility, sincerity as well as how and when to use them.

What this means is that my happiness is in direct relation to the extent to which my life at the moment aligns to my vision. When they are both aligned, I am able to honor my relationships to my love ones as a brother, son, significant other, friends etc. Without that sense of fulfillment I cannot be available for another person. It took me 5 years of heartache about career and my personal relationships to realize that. The last three years I have worked to slowly change some things that will put me in a better situation to reach my goals

Did you know that the main reason my friends who have gotten married have given for choosing their spouse  has been that she supports them in their aspirations. I state that to give some sort of indication how important aligning one’s life to their mission is.

What’s your take on this?
Whaddya feel bout all this ?



A Convo on Gender Roles, Dating & other stuff 3 : Seducation, Harassment Day, Collective Cultural Shadow

night flirt HR

Straight people cruise one another in Paris; unlike Americans, who feel menaced or insulted by linger looks on the street, French women-and men!-consider la seduction to be one of the arts of living and an amorous glance their natural due.  When I lived for several months in the States with a young French man and woman, they were puzzled and hurt at the end of their first American week by the lack of attention they were receiving. ‘Maybe Americans don’t like our looks’ they asked.

I had to explain to them that American style feminism had retrained men not to ogle women – but that, more significantly, Americans consider the sidewalk an anonymous backstage space, whereas for the French it is the stage itself.

~ Edmund White, The Flaneur: A Stroll Through the Paradoxes of Paris


French culture has always interested me, and as a lot of my family has lived, lives, or have gone to school there I have been exposed to a healthy dosage of it. I found this excerpt above interesting because it does allude to something real. A women had this to say about her visit to Paris:

Men were very vocal.  The Frenchmen did not consider what they were doing insulting, it was truly appreciative in nature. Men would openly stop and LOOK, they would turn around and LOOK, they would yell compliments, in English and French. Our favorite of all was the “Meow”.  Yes, they would meow, which was something I had only read about!  It is done as a mix between saying the word, and speaking it as a cat would. Well done it is an art.  The French have perfected it.  My favorite “Meow” of all was from a group of workers, clinging to girders far above us as we visited the Eiffel Tower.  We turned and waved, and they waved back and showered us both with compliments to our beauty.

That wouldn’t fly in America. Political and sexual correctness rule the day. An innocent compliment can lead to a world of pain. We do not tend to make a difference most times between predatory and non-predatory expression of male sexuality. Quite often it all gets lumped together. To quote from the article: Why Do We Demonize Men Who Are Honest About Their Sexual Needs? –  The pressure put on men to be initiators, yet avoid seeming creepy or aggressive leads to an unpleasant double bind.  It’s a catch 22 in many cases. This whole issue of harassment, and the double binds brings to mind a bit from Patrice O’ Neal called harassment day

Masculinity is a Plague to some

But to get back to it there was an interesting documentary called “The Mask You Live In,” made by feminist filmmaker Jennifer Siebel Newsom. (You can see the trailer here.) She equates masculinity to a plague that is sweeping through America. Supposedly at a young age, boys learn that to express compassion or empathy is to show weakness. They hear confusing messages that force them to repress their emotions, establish hierarchies, and constantly prove their masculinity. They often feel compelled to abide by a rigid code of conduct that affects their relationships, narrows their definition of success and, in some cases, leads to acts of violence resulting in what many researchers call a boy crisis.”” While that touches on  some elements of a crisis it is very skewered view.

If I can be honest every time I see a feminist writing something on masculinity or men, I have a general feeling that I am about to read a big nutty brown pile of bullshit. Everything is seen through a narrow lens of the feminist movement which is at its very core, xenophobic, classist, racist, and elitist. Many follow the narrative that:

The follow book or excerpt from shed some light on the expression of masculinity in America


Historian Ellen K. Rothman showed in her exhaustive work “Hands and Hearts: A History of Courtship in America”, that American men were masculine in the 1800s  but learned to be vulnerable and share confidences during courtship. This candor during courting resulted in marriages between compatible partners that were designed to last a lifetime despite incredible hardships and unbelievably primitive living conditions, providing a safe and secure environment for children to grow up healthy. Sadly, in the last century the media of music, movies and later television and the internet promoted a mutated form of courtship that emphasized physical attraction and charm over character and compatibility. The resulting weak relationships between strangers led to a steep decline in marriage with more and more Americans abandoning marriage altogether.

Collective Cultural Shadow

Just like individuals do, I think as a nation we have a shadow. There are many soul crushing episodes of our history as a nation that we haven’t dealt with that linger. If certain conditions are met this issues will quite often violently way make their presence felt. Human history is a volatile thing. Today’s subjugated just may in enough time become the oppressors. We become the very thing we hate I mean look at Israel and what’s being done to the Palestinians.

I think that the centuries long suppression of both the feminine and women has left many scars on our psyche. While we work to address the consequences of this legally, economically etc, there is much more that we have to do to address those scars internally that we all carry because we each whether male or female have to work at balancing the masculine and feminine energies inside of us.

The suppression of the feminine didn’t just hurt women, it stunted the development of men for centuries. The demonization and criminalization of masculinity hurts not just men but women too.

and ill leave it at that and come back to this in the next part