Autobiographical Moments: Vaginas and Catholic School Part 1


After years of therapy, I can share  without the horrid flashbacks, my experiences at a post-Vatican II catholic elementary school run by nuns. Years would pass before realizing how deep this torment buried itself into the depths of my psyche.

In my school faculty members unmarried to Christ fell into one of two categories. On the one hand, you had the group comprised of widows or unmarried women who not only cast no shadow  in the mirror of focused self-reflection but left no visible marks of their passage through classrooms and hallways. In the 8th grade, I theorized that similar to a star destined to become a black hole, the sexuality and vitality of these women collapsed upon itself and created a misery so dense that it couldn’t stop draining the life force of any living being around. When I came of age, I was nonplussed by the plague of extemporaneous erections which weighed down quite heavily on the spirit of my then compatriots.  One of these teachers would pass by and this dull ache in the depths of my abdomen would commence. Finally,  my erection would skulk away in a way comparable to how my penis retreats to safety the moment the woman who I am on a date with  tells me she is a vegan, or follows the friendship first approach to dating. Suffice it to say, I never had to think about baseball,  although the parallels to a dry leather cracked mitt and well-cleaned vaginas atrophied from lack of use, are astounding. Those two images  are a classic pairing reminiscent of  Boucheron cheese and a Sauvignon Blanc or Chardonnay.

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Satire || Harvard Researchers Reveal The Real Reason Why


warhol_the_prophetCertain philosophers would have you believe that science at best is an integrated, and reconstituted distillation of all the current knowledge a (much like Campbell’s condensed Tomato soup: similarly mundane and uninteresting). A diminutive subset of these natural thinkers has even dared  to characterize our universe as one with an infinite number of happenings outside the current domain of knowledge.

It’s pusillanimous to concede that despite our best efforts, the unknown will always lord above human affairs. Subsequently, if ever confronted by such dogmatic thought please keep the following in mind. Firstly,  any philosopher or wayward scientist who subscribes to such an antithetical and a virulent brand of epistemophobia is not from Harvard University. That is not to suggest that researchers from Harvard are the only significant ones. It’s to expressly communicate the Gospel truth, that researchers from Harvard are the only significant ones.

Recently, researchers at Harvard have just revealed the real reason “Why”.  For the sake of clarity, Harvard researchers have solved the answer to every question ‘Why’. Answering questions such as “Why your husband’s surprisingly drunk before sex, after you’ve gained 65lbs in a year” or “Why are my dates on OKCupid repulsed by my chronic public masturbation” or finally “Why after Jennifer Facebook posts yet another meme on how love hurts, all her friends wish Chris from her evening class would ask her out on a second date – are without challenge for such celebrated minds.

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