When I heard that girls were plumping their lips for the Kylie Jenner lip challenge, I immediately celebrated.
Finally I thought, US vaginal technology had something that would dethrone the ever popular juggernaut known among the young and vulgar as “pussy waxing”. By this point, it is safe to assume that everyone’s life in some way shape or form has been touched by a slippery Brazilian. (Tourist who have been mugged and kidnapped in Rio don’t count). It was about time for something new. Now that the war in the Middle East is over and we’ve effectively denied two generations a chance at humane living, America has needed a new arena to dominate.
But alas I was mistaken. Gone was my first foray into the domain of lip reading jokes. I had even started a celebratory post that began: ” thanks to lip plumping deaf men will be able to become the amazing gynecologist I knew they could, given their proficiency in lip-reading”. Moving forward, that’ll have to wait for a vaginoplasty gag-reel I’ll develop in the future.
The Serious Bit
It’s not just me that was hurt when the public learned the truth about lip plumping. The big-lips section of American adult film stores could have really used the renewed interest (typical ROI stuff). For the uninitiated, the Kylie Jenner challenge requires a girl to suck on a shot glass until her lips inflame and puff up. Given the prevalence of domestic abuse in America there were easier ways to go about getting the desired result like over cooking a steak, or just staying in an abusive relationship after the first couple of ‘accidents’, but that is besides the point.
When combined with too much spray on tan and a butt lift surgery lip-plumping can be dangerous. To the untrained eye of a rookie cop, you could be mistaken for a black women. To be fair I must say that one of the best things about police brutality is that it doesn’t discriminate on the basis of gender.
Should I remind you that jokes about big lips are a long-standing tradition in this country.
The Modern Day Prometheus
Mary Shelley dreamt about a scientist who created life and was horrified by what he had made. Her dream later evolved into the story of Frankenstein. Extending that analogy; through cultural appropriation we select certain features of various ethnic and cultural groups. We then suture them together. Finally with the electrifying aegis of mass-media we project on, inculcated within and bring to life in the minds of masses, an aberration, an insult to the domain of uniqueness and diversity. This is of course all done for the sake of consumerism. What bothers me is that no one seems horrified. No one is whispering as they give themselves over to the tide of an ambivalent cultural iniquity: “The horror! The horror!”. (Heart of Darkness reference).
Upon second thought, I could be going about this incorrectly. Maybe people who take the Kylie Jenner challenge are just idiots. Since the majority of lip-plumpers are teens, it’s not that much of a stretch. While I secretly hope no one tells these same teens the tired aphorism, that loose lips sink ships, another part of me hopes that when faced with an image of a slack vagina downing an entire warship, vaginoplasty rates among the young increases. I could finally get back to my vaginoplasty gag-reel.
MrMary MF Poppins