Satire || Harvard Researchers Reveal The Real Reason Why

warhol_the_prophetCertain philosophers would have you believe that science at best is an integrated, and reconstituted distillation of all the current knowledge a (much like Campbell’s condensed Tomato soup: similarly mundane and uninteresting). A diminutive subset of these natural thinkers has even dared  to characterize our universe as one with an infinite number of happenings outside the current domain of knowledge.

It’s pusillanimous to concede that despite our best efforts, the unknown will always lord above human affairs. Subsequently, if ever confronted by such dogmatic thought please keep the following in mind. Firstly,  any philosopher or wayward scientist who subscribes to such an antithetical and a virulent brand of epistemophobia is not from Harvard University. That is not to suggest that researchers from Harvard are the only significant ones. It’s to expressly communicate the Gospel truth, that researchers from Harvard are the only significant ones.

Recently, researchers at Harvard have just revealed the real reason “Why”.  For the sake of clarity, Harvard researchers have solved the answer to every question ‘Why’. Answering questions such as “Why your husband’s surprisingly drunk before sex, after you’ve gained 65lbs in a year” or “Why are my dates on OKCupid repulsed by my chronic public masturbation” or finally “Why after Jennifer Facebook posts yet another meme on how love hurts, all her friends wish Chris from her evening class would ask her out on a second date – are without challenge for such celebrated minds.

s1200_loose_turkey_meme_generator_bitches_be_like_i_m_so_tight_d41d8cHow were Harvard researchers able to accomplish such a gargantuan feat? About three years prior, one researcher started thinking that if a question is asked and no one at Harvard hears it, is it in fact a question? The answer is an unequivocal ‘no’ given both the ponderous size Harvard’s endowment and the public need to feel our ego stretched after having grown complacent with average.  Coincidentally, having been stretched out and her complacency with the average is precisely why Chris won’t ask Jennifer out again. According to his research her ex-boyfriend wasn’t just a giant dick when watching the Flyer’s games on television.

To summarize, today’s society is concerned primarily with how information makes one feel, followed by how communicating the indicated information makes others perceive us. American Presidential elections are pertinent examples. People are polarized by the reactions to the facts, not their inherent forthrightness or falsity. In a world where both human life and truth has been reduced to a series of primal knee-jerk reactions, the answer to every question is whatever will make people involved feel as if they are further remarkable than they’ve imagined themselves to be.

It took a team of Harvard scientists 75 years to discover that the secret to happiness doesn’t reside in the fierce dedication to the accumulation of wealth. Who could have imagined that to be the case aside from the victim of such thinking like children in Chinese iPhone factories or those working to harvest chocolate, or those prisoners forever trapped in the confines of the Prison Industrial Complex, or Native Peoples who find their habitat overflowing with mining run-off ?

Furthermore, as long as these so-called researchers remain as vapid and unaware of societal abuses as the populace at large, there won’t be a question they cannot answer.

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