EPIC RANT || Christmas F*ing Carols

(Warning: I am not a bitter person. These rants are just that: rants. I appreciate the emails asking me why I am so mad, but I am not mad. I am actually enjoying the holidays as they should be enjoyed: surrounded by the people I love and loads of alcohol to make them more lovable. This rant is dedicated to my home-girl Renee)

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One of the pleasures of having a day or two off is that I get to watch movies. This time around I got to watch the Shining. I particularly liked the fact that Jack Nicholson‘s decent into homicidal madness was correlated with his typing the same phrase over and over again ad nausea.

Now I don’t mean to get off on a rant here, but if I hear one more fucking Christmas Carol , one more thing about Rudolph and his red fucking nose, I just may have to bash someone’s brains in… Gonna bash ’em right the f*ck in!

But let back it up for a sec.

Since before Thanksgiving (my favorite homicidal holiday) I have had to hear about Santa, his reindeer, elves and all sort of schizophrenic bullshit that kids don’t even believe. These are the same kids, by the way, who are still scared of the sound a toilet makes when flushed; the same fucking kids who rather shit themselves than wait 5 minute for the guy in the stall to finish.

Supposedly there is a lesson in being forced to participate in Secret Santa at work. Why would I want to get gifts for the co-workers who pestered me all year, and also Gina who decided not to blow me in the broom closet after I politely suggested it, over drinks at the office party.

 The only bag full of gifts to be delivered are on the backs of a few drones right now, for it is after all the season of Giving. Unfortunately we are giving people around the world honorable ways to die to make room for the future.  We are giving our children and grand children a polluted ecosystem that it may not be able to support. I love the irony, by the way in singing about a White Christmas while Global Warming is a reality, and  glaciers are gradually disappearing.

We should sing about holiday Typhoons and Hurricanes that have a penchant for razing outlying strips of civilization back to the antediluvian Philistine ways.

Ok ok, may be I’m being a little too negative, or cynical. Maybe you are right. But in my deffense let us look at Defense Exhibit A mistletoe. Mistletoe is a parasitic plant. Don’t get me wrong it can function on its own quite well but: “its roots are modified to attach and penetrate through the bark of a tree, sucking out water and mineral nutrients from the host.” Think of this next time you kiss someone under mistletoe, it may not be soon but this person you’re kissing will suck the life and will to live out of you slowly.

This says it all about Christmas, aside from Santa Claus being a caricature of Odin, and Zwarte Piet his blackamoor “assistant who works for him, with no rights and no knowledge of his past history” to scare kids into doing good. Btw –  According to wikipedia In other  countries similar black and/or threatening characters are the companion of Saint Nicholas “

How many of us care to ask as we cut in lines and pick fights over our intended gifts for family members that we really can’t stand, how many tears went into each gift. No where is our collective parasitic behavior seen more than during Christmas.

Don’t worry this not all sadness and snark. Let me let you in on a Christmas tradition in my house I started in high-school. I sing parodies of Christmas song to my family or anyone who’s in earshot.

So enjoy:

(If you offend easily or have an aversion to the word cock being substituted for rock in a popular Christmas song please exit now)