A Convo on Gender Roles, Dating & other stuff 2 : The two issues we aren’t dealing with

When Last we Left ….

Today, men are given confusing and contradictory advice. Socially, they are expected to be “compliant” (i.e. cooperative) partners to women. However, they are also urged by women’s sexual interest to maintain an “attractive personality” (i.e. assertive and ambitious). Unfortunately, men sometimes report that attempting to balance these notions does not result in satisfaction, happiness, or women’s appreciation and respect.

… men lament about being in a “no win situation” in modern dating. If they follow what society tells them to do, they often end up “good guys” who are taken advantage of, mistreated, and disrespected. In contrast, if they follow more “assertive” biological imperatives, they are labeled “jerks” and “players”—who may get sexual gratification, but not love or respect from what they would consider a “good woman”. Overall, they report that there is often little incentive for men to date and even less for them to consider long-term commitments.

___________

If for a second, I believed anything society told me I would have killed myself a long time ago. Society has a vested interest in you working to maintain its biases, inherent power structures, and lies. Every time some one talks about peace, coming together, free thought, they get killed! Killed !!!

I believe that there is a direct relationship between how much you benefit from society and how much you believe the nonsense it wants you to ingest. It’s been clear to me that society doesn’t value my life so I don’t drink the Kool Aid offered. Society by it’s very nature cannot promote individuality. It has to treat people as pieces of meat that act a specific set of ways under a handful of conditions. Furthermore, unless you are a Caucasian of a certain class society has never cared for you.

We can agree that our society is a going through changes. I feel as many others do that we are put at odd with who and what we are. Or in other words, we are facing a conflict between social demands and biological motivations. A psychologists advises that: “until something changes, the best we can all do is adapt and find our own, unique way.”

I am going to offer you my thoughts: THE ONLY WINNING MOVE IS NOT TO PLAY.

I will be saying more on this later.

The Reality

I try to be as realistic as possible. I have no allegiance to Men’s or Women’s Right’s movements. My allegiance is to self-respect, common sense and humanism. What I do know well is myself. I spent a lot of time getting to know my self (that’s actually not a masturbation joke). I push myself, learn new things, engage people etc. I’ve come to a point where I can identify my voice from the multitudes of voices telling me: what I should aspire to, what I should look for, how I should behave, etc. I have settled on three rules for myself:

1. My happiness is paramount I like everyone else is search for meaning and something real help us move forward to the vision of how we want to live.
2. I never do something because I am supposed to, rather I do things because I want to do it.
3. Be sincere. What I feel internally should match what I say externally. I should never repress or silence what I feel

Looking at Sex & Gender Roles

I have been informed that that there are many “strategies” guys use to deal with the frustrating dating scene. Some dudes opt out of the dating game completely. This is actually a movement called Men Going Their Own Way Movement. Other dudes get into the whole pick up artist scene, etc. To be honest with you, I was dumbfounded reading about all this stuff. To me these “strategies” are only momentary patches on a larger problem in my opinion. The problem is two fold:

1. Coming to terms with the advances and collateral damage of feminism.
2. Suppression and demonization of the expression of masculinity.

Until we deal with both issues, we will not make any real progress I feel. I am going to leave this here and go one from this place.

MrMary

A Convo on Gender Roles, Dating & other stuff 1

Finding a lady to date was and still continues to be a numbers game.The fun starts when a lady considers you attractive enough to engage you in talk. Once this happens you have a small window of time to say exactly the right thing, the right way, at the right time. Doing so in conjunction with spending money on this lady in the form of drinks or other consumables, gets you her number. After securing her digits, there are tests. Passing each successive test keeps the lady’s attention. My female friends, ex-gfs and dating experts have confirmed that:

A woman will unconsciously use a ‘shit test’ as a way of seeing if you’re a man who can handle her ‘shit’ when she can’t take it anymore. It stems from a subconscious desire to have that strong, masculine presence in her life: someone that will stand by her, accept her and keep her steady when the going gets tough..” 

As a guy you submit to the audition process because this may lead to a moment(s) of intimacy culminating in the rod-ramming sex we know and love. But by the time the cervix punching has transpired a poison has already taken hold of the relationship.

A Conservative Estimate

Let say after the 4th date, about 3-4 weeks in of seeing someone steadily, consent by the lady is given for sex. (a conservative estimate). For 4 weeks the guy auditioning, investing time, energy and money to pretend this chick is inherently special. To her family and friends she’s special, but after four week you know nothing about who she is. It takes therapists, trained in getting to know and talking to people more than four session to get a feel for and develop a rapport with their clients.

We each have something that the other wants but we have to pretend that this isn’t a business transaction. 

Side Note:

The Reality of Tests

The guy works to bring down the walls barring access to her sugar-walls. The lady works to devise tests for him to prove he’s a good enough person for her to get the part he is auditioning for. A woman dating experts had this to say:

“A woman will unconsciously use a ‘shit test’ as a way of seeing if you’re a man who can handle her ‘shit’ when she can’t take it anymore. It stems from a subconscious desire to have that strong, masculine presence in her life: someone that will stand by her, accept her and keep her steady when the going gets tough..” 

The tests don’t stop. There are auditions for the steady boyfriend, live-in boyfriend, fiancee, and husband role. These tests set a precedence during the marriage: “Don’t do this  and you won’t get access to the emotional / sexual / nurturing / supportive / communicative services I provide. Dating (like marriage) is both business and pleasure with an interesting power dynamic at work centered around consent.

I read something from Psychology Today that sums what I have seen but couldn’t articulate. I want to use these quotes as an launching to talk about gender and sex roles and some anthropological stuff I have always found interesting. Your input is always much appreciated. Check it out and leave some thoughts

Socially, today’s woman is encouraged, empowered (and perhaps expected) to do it all. Social norms tell her she is expected to succeed in work, run her home, raise the perfect children, and be attractive and chipper too. It is a tall order. It is also an order that requires women to be intelligent, motivated, powerful, and in control.

Given those social instructions, women are motivated to “choose” men for how well they mesh with their life plan, goals, and ideals. Essentially then, some women choose to “attach” to men who are cooperative, agreeable, supportive, and often take their lead in areas the woman finds important. From a cultural standpoint, men who are categorized as “disagreeable,” “opinionated,” or expect women to “acquiesce” may be considered unappealing as “attachment” partners.

Unfortunately, however, many of those “culturally undesirable” male traits are similar and overlapping with the traits that are biologically “attractive.” Although not always true, often the man who is intelligent, high status, and ambitious will be unlikely to take a back seat, follow, and submit in a romantic relationship. Generally speaking, men who have “leadership characteristics” may want to lead in many situations. With those two “feelings” juxtaposed, women often find themselves unfulfilled in love. 

____________

Today, men are given confusing and contradictory advice. Socially, they are expected to be “compliant” (i.e. cooperative) partners to women. However, they are also urged by women’s sexual interest to maintain an “attractive personality” (i.e. assertive and ambitious). Unfortunately, men sometimes report that attempting to balance these notions does not result in satisfaction, happiness, or women’s appreciation and respect.

… men lament about being in a “no win situation” in modern dating. If they follow what society tells them to do, they often end up “good guys” who are taken advantage of, mistreated, and disrespected. In contrast, if they follow more “assertive” biological imperatives, they are labeled “jerks” and “players”—who may get sexual gratification, but not love or respect from what they would consider a “good woman”. Overall, they report that there is often little incentive for men to date and even less for them to consider long-term commitments.

Check out the Beginning of this Series here

Beginning a Convo on Gender Roles, Dating, and more Anthropology stuff

I remember going on a date one day. When I met the lady in question outside the chosen restaurant  I told her upfront: “Listen, I’m not going to spend any money on you, or incur debt to feed you tonight.” She didn’t seem to happy when I told her that I had taken 6 month vow of not paying for shit for anyone else. All in all, at least we were on equal terms she wasn’t going to put out, well that part of herself and I wasn’t going to put out my $$$.

I want to share with you my observations on dating and the power dynamic between men and women on dates, but before that I wanted to tell you about something interesting that happened in Israel not to long ago, aside from the massacre of Palestinians. Did you know that the Israeli kibbutzim are to many evidence of innate masculine and feminine characteristics ?

Gather Round for a Gender Difference Story

The Kibbutzim were were founded as farming communities in  the late nineteenth century under the influence of Marxist ideals. Men and women were viewed not only as equal, but as inherently the same. In the fields, women worked the same long hours as the men. In the kitchens, nurseries, and children’s dormitories men worked the same long hours as the women. As the years passed, however, an unexpected development occurred. Slowly the women left the fields, the traditional areas of men’s work. More and more they specialized in the work of the kitchen, nurseries, and dormitories. Gradually, the men specialised in the field work. Against the enormous pressure of kibbutz ideology most men and women sorted themselves into “traditional” gender specific roles. 

Did you know that some anthropologist believed that our gender roles gave us an evolution advantage over our Neanderthal competitors. Supposedly and the research is still out, Neanderthal men and women hunted side by side. Neanderthal women were truly equals to their male counterparts, not just in family court.

Where does that Leave us ?

Somewhere about 50,000 to a 100,000 years ago these sex based roles emerged in our species. That’s a significant amount of time  for a habit to become deeply ingrained not only in our culture but also in our behaviors. Now we come to the dating and why shit seems more difficult than it has to be. I have seen that in our culture our body, mind and psychology are out of synch with each other. What that means to me is contradictions galore.  Case and point:

Why Strong, Independent Women Just Want to Be Taken Care of (Sometimes)

I would like to explore the idea that mature, confident, independent women do sometimes face the catch-22 of wanting to be strong in the world while wanting to be ‘taken care of’ — and not just sexually — in romantic relationships. That is, some women want to be completely respected for their capabilities and strength of character while also wanting to be led, supported and cared for emotionally, socially and yes, sometimes even economically when they are with a man.

Moving Forward

I see a kind of arc growing, I have been talking about marriage and human relationships. I guess now I want to continue talking about some gender differences and their consequences. I want to talk about stuff in real way, based on what I have seen, and my own experiences. Not according to a buncha fucking books, theories and self-righteous horse-shit I don’t for a second believe.  From what I gather you all seem to like me when I being sincere so let’s hit the gas and see what happens

Whaddya say

MrMary

MrMary Reminisces on Dating || So is it true what they Say about lack Men?

My Dating Experiences

When it comes to dating there are generally two main approaches that guys take. The first approach is to focus on the numbers. The more women you ask out, the higher your chances of landing something if you are not completely unattractive and have someone to offer more than cheap one liners. The other approach is a bit more selective in that you seek quality. You invest time in getting to know someone, before the consensual cervix punching ensues. it without saying that depending on the availability of women in the area sometimes a hybrid systems is  employed.

The Reality

As many of you may have guessed I went for quality.  It was only after some time of doing this did I realized that it’s the rarity of something that makes it valuable. It’s not that I was striking out, it’s that major league baseball was on Strike. There were many things I noticed first that this graph is true to the nth degree.

This picture comes from an article written by a Ms Jenny Davis, Assistant Professor of Sociology, James Madison University. Basically Quartz, a business and marketing website, recently released data on the Facebook dating app Are You Interested (AYI), which connects singles within the confines of their direct and indirect Facebook networks.

I didn’t need a study to tell you the results: all men except Asians preferred Asian women, while all except black women preferred white men. And both black men and black women got the lowest response rates for their respective genders.

Ms Davis had this to say: “Social psychologists know that what people say and what they do have little empirical connection. Dating sites capture what we do, and play it back for us. They expose who we are, who we want, and of course, who we don’t want. As shown by Quartz, “we” fetishize Asian women while devaluing blacks.

Clearly she is wrong. We live in a contemporary color-blind post-racial society. We fetishize Asians of course but we devalue and fetishize blacks as well. We get the best of both worlds and this is the topic of today’s post.

Is it true about Black Guys and their …

If you are thinking bad credit, no – it’s the other stereotype. I was seeing some chick from upstate NY that told me that being with a black guy was like dating a foreigner. I was exotic. I cannot tell you how many times over the years my ability to bruise a cervix from  an arm’s length away has come up.

It has come to my attention that having sex with a black guy is on a few women’s bucket list. Let me be more specific having discrete sex with a black guy is on a lot of non-black women’s bucket list.  Don’t believe me? Please check out the “I Want to Be Fucked by a Black Guy” thread on the Experience Project [Experience Project is a destination for people to share life stories, ask questions, and connect with others around what matters to them most.] I don’t mind that at all. I mean being an object for someone’s sexual gratification is better than being shot to death by the cops or tortured killed and mutilated in Texas right?

A Long History

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The brute caricature portrays black men as innately savage, animalistic, destructive, and criminal — deserving punishment, maybe death. This brute is a fiend, a sociopath, an anti-social menace. Black brutes are depicted as hideous, terrifying predators who target helpless victims, especially white women. George T. Winston (1901), another “Negrophobic” writer, claimed:When a knock is heard at the door [a White woman] shudders with nameless horror. The black brute is lurking in the dark, a monstrous beast, crazed with lust. His ferocity is almost demoniacal. A mad bull or tiger could scarcely be more brutal. A whole community is frenzied with horror, with the blind and furious rage for vengeance.(pp. 108-109)

I bring this up because

I read this awesome piece on Advocate.com : How the Mythical Big Black Man Killed Romance Abroad. The author said something that brought to some of the things some drunk women have told me at parties or bars, or from women I was seeing: “My biggest frustration with being a gay black man from the U.S. living in South America, Australia, and Southeast Asia — all places where black is a rarity, not just a minority — was that from the moment many people saw me, they dragged out those ancient stereotypes about black men, sizing me up the way I assumed they did all the others who seldom crossed their paths. Everyone wanted to know one thing: “Is it true what they say about black men?”  Sex for the first time with anyone began to feel like an audition. Size mattered more than ever when you were black in Bangkok, Melbourne, and Buenos Aires (especially Buenos Aires!), all cities that I called home at various points after I left New York City in 2006. Either you fulfilled the fantasy about the big black man (the one immortalized and objectified in Robert Mapplethorpe’s 1980 black-and-white photo “Man in a Polyester Suit”), or you probably wouldn’t get a call back. It was such a deflating process that I frequently found myself second-guessing my sex appeal. Did I measure up?

So truth be told, this stupid fucking question came up every time even when I was hanging out in Bangalore in 1996. I always gave of course legendary replies. But its interesting in retrospect how stereotypes still endure through time and how they show up in many different contexts.

Think that’s it

MrMary

What’s It’s Like @32 – Talking To Women

You may not believe it, but there was a time when MrMary had trouble talking to the vagina-possessing constituent of our species. Even though at 32 I’ve long freed myself from the weight of such a heavy burden, I can’t help but to look back at past follies and reminisce. I thought I would share  some of these ‘reminiscings’ with you this Friday night to kick off a series I am going to launch called @32.

So It Begins

So then… As many guys can attest to, approaching a woman is quite difficult. You want to save the coming off strong for the date with sex, after you have paid for the movie, movie popcorn movie soda, dinner and the cab back to your impoverished domicile. You also don’t want to come off too weak, that’s what you do 4 months into a relationship when you awaken to the fact that you are trapped. Yes, at 4 months that joie de vivre that made you come so strong on the 4th date is about as present as, well you get the point.

In my younger days I’d go up to a chick and ask: “Hey, what’s going on?“. I stopped doing that because I got tired of witnessing women grab their purses as they hurried off to rejoin their friends all funnily enough carrying whistles attached to key-chains. Even the advice I got from some older dudes did not work well for me. They recommended things like:

1. Start things off by giving her a compliment
2. Offer to buy her a drink
3. Ask her opinion on something
4. Make references to something in the news or celebrity stuff

Here’s the thing, honesty and giving compliments do not mix. How can I, in good conscious, tell a woman her hair looks nice when it can be a wig or extensions?  Since I don’t know if what I’m seeing is real or a product of some mechanical feat of engineering, I can’t risk being dishonest because according to Oprah that’s the one thing all women value. Moving along, I am not going to buy any chick a drink because it sets a false precedent. Basically 0.5 to 3 minutes of your attention is worth anywhere from $5 -$12 depending on the Happy Hour Deal? If I’m paying some chick money to indulge me, compared to the other jobs she’d be doing, answering questions will be the least of her worries.  Concerning asking her opinion on something, or making references to the news, maybe I do not want to be thinking of or talking about the genocide in Syria while I am trying to suppress an erection. It’s a dangerous game; I could never go back into the place where people know me as the guy who gets hard over Middle Eastern violence.

Now @32

Nowadays @32 I have a totally different approach to talking to women.

What changed for me was hanging out with married men. Married men have the same empty-soulless look in their eyes wild animals do who are held in captivity too long. There are catholic priest that have more sex than most of the married men, I know. OK bad analogy. When I realized that drastic weight gain, and sexless cohabitation was what lay at the end of the yellow brick road of holy matrimony, it became easy to talk to women.

I walked up to a chick once and said “hey” not caring about making a good impression or much anything. I didn’t even pay attention to whether she responded or not. I gave her the same “hey” I give to my friend Steve, my dog happy, and the pink elephants I see when I drink too much. Surprisingly enough conversations progressed, and I became the toast of the town. I also got better at picking out which women would be into the “black thing”, so that helped.

I don’t care how attractive a woman is I have no issue talking with her provided that we are in the same space during that part of the day when I actually feel like seeking out a fellow human being to talk to. The message of feminism have also helped me a lot in talking to women. When you realize that that chick smiling at you is as completely full of shit and hypocritical as you are, it takes the edge off. What’s honesty among the dishonest?

I’m not trying to be a dick. Tell me if I am wrong if when I see a lady I would like to talk to I imagine that:

1. She farts discreetly in public, (she has to especially if she has a job).
2. At least one time a week she has loaded up, and disgraced a toilet bowl
3. She has an annoying friend who she cannot kick out of her circle so she indulges her out of pity.
4. In a heated argument she will say stuff she doesn’t mean.
5. She is insecure about her body, and
6. When she wears white she spills things on herself.

So, then if we’re both equally falliable and forlorn, what the problem?