Equality and An Asymmetry in Relationships



           Intimate relationship is never the priority in a masculine man’s life and always the priority in a feminine woman’s life. If a man has a masculine sexual essence, then his priority is his mission, his direction toward greater release, freedom, and consciousness. If a woman has a feminine sexual essence, then her priority is the flow of love in her life, including her relationship with a man whom she can totally trust, in body, emotion, mind, and spirit. Man and woman must support each other in their priorities if the relationship is going to serve them both.

If she has a feminine sexual essence, her core will be fulfilled when love is flowing. For example, she can experience difficulties in her career, but if full love is flowing in her life—with her children, friends, and with you—then her core will be fulfilled. If you have a masculine sexual essence, then your woman and children can be loving you all day and night, but if your career or mission is obstructed, you will not feel at ease. You won’t even want to share much intimate time with your woman until you have your career or mission back on track. Your woman’s core is fulfilled by love. Your core is released from stress by aligning your life with your mission. To you, intimacy is something to be enjoyed in addition to your purpose. To your woman, intimacy is at the core of her life, and the tone of your intimacy colors everything else she does.

~ David Deida

I have said in a previous post that our socio-political concept of equality doesn’t carry over into our intimate relationships. I was asked recently to elaborate. The quote selection above explicates in much clearer words what I would say.

There is an asymmetry in relationship between people with a distinctive masculine or feminine core (which account for 80% of relationships). In the context of this asymmetry which is a product of differences in our drives, psychology and biology both participants cannot be said to be on even terms.

From My Own Experience

Every important male figure in my life has in their own way given me their insight on finding one’s purpose. I have a vision of how I want to live and that has been the goal I have worked towards since I was aware that I could work to bright about my unique vision. I feel that until a man has found what is his purpose in life he is not full alive. He also is not mature. Pursuing my vision and failing and having to go back to the drawing board each time has caused me to grow in ways I couldn’t have imagined. I have had to learn passion, humility, sincerity as well as how and when to use them.

What this means is that my happiness is in direct relation to the extent to which my life at the moment aligns to my vision. When they are both aligned, I am able to honor my relationships to my love ones as a brother, son, significant other, friends etc. Without that sense of fulfillment I cannot be available for another person. It took me 5 years of heartache about career and my personal relationships to realize that. The last three years I have worked to slowly change some things that will put me in a better situation to reach my goals

Did you know that the main reason my friends who have gotten married have given for choosing their spouse  has been that she supports them in their aspirations. I state that to give some sort of indication how important aligning one’s life to their mission is.

What’s your take on this?
Whaddya feel bout all this ?



  1. A very intriguing observation my friend. A concept that is too ingrained within our current society and the teaching of gender roles assigned by it. Nice work and commentary. Much love and naked hugs. 🙂


  2. What is left out is how we’re essentially trained from birth to be that way. Women are supposed to be all about nurture and love and support; and men are supposed to be all about their goals and ambition. We’re told that from the moment we’re born, and it gets reinforced in us in millions of subtly invisible ways every single day. I’m not saying there’s not some natural inclination toward the two poles in the sexes, but that the opposite inclinations that are also present in each sex get pushed down by society.

    Think about it. Women who place their career goals above getting married and having a family, or who like sleeping around instead of being in a committed relationship are labeled negatively. Men who are nurturing and supportive are also labeled negatively. There might be some nature involved here, but I think it’s mostly social training.


    • PurpsssszzZZZZ !!!!!

      This comment kicked ass.

      I believe that every society exploits the intrinsic difference between the sexes in a unique way. I feel that ours tends to aggrandize this differences to maintain as certain class-based patriarchal social structures that allows for the easy exploitation and separation of its people.

      I feel that the concepts of masculinity and femininity change through time as society does. I definitely agree with you that a lot predispositions are reinforced to a great degree but I don’t feel that that was something arbitrarily chosen. The division of tasks along gender lines is what supposedly gave us a competitive edge over Homo Neanderthals and allowed our species Homo Sapien to thrive and be the dominant species that we are destroying the earth.

      I think at the stage we are now we are at a cross roads. The rigid definitions of masculinity and femininity of the 20 are not as prominent thank god! Women do not have to be subservient homemakers and males the dominant breadwinner. In the 60 -70’s men were able to get into touch with their feminine side and women their masculine. I think we are having problems now because we are in an intermediary stage along this stage of evolution. Hence the hypocritical labeling for career women and nurturing and supportive etc There are many levels of subtle popular conversation doesn’t take int account!

      What I do feel is that our social conditioning is out of touch with our collective biology and psychology.


      • Actual biological differences shouldn’t be included in personality issues. The XX and XY chromosomes, reproductive organs, etc. aren’t the problem. And yeah, I think giving birth inspires a lot of nurturing and protective hormonal changes in women, but fatherhood does the same thing for men. You’re right that the social conditioning is the heart of the problem. If the world were truly equal, it wouldn’t matter if a woman was more nurturing than a man. But I think the hunter-gather mentality has been kind of tough to eradicate in society, and the biological functions of women are seen as a weakness.


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