MrMary Call BullShit ! || NYC Book Club Goes Topless ‘To Make Reading Sexy,’ Succeeds

The Huffington Post recently reported that the NYC Literary club that promoted going topless to promote reading  succeeded. I am here to tell you that, that is bullshit.

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It’s spring in New York City, and that means the city’s most topless literary club is back in action. Members of the The Outdoor Co-Ed Topless Pulp Fiction Appreciation Society bared their breasts in Central Park on Friday, and then again Saturday while lounging on the rooftop sundeck of a certain “nude-friendly, gay-friendly, everything-friendly boutique hotel.” The reading material included, of course, some pulp fiction titles like “Hunt Through The Cradle of Fear,” “Borderline,” as well as “Abraham Lincoln, Presidential Fu*k Machine,” and, er, “Moby Dick.” For the uninitiated, OCETPFAS formed a few years ago. It’s the group’s mission to “make reading sexy,” as well as remind New Yorkers that toplessness is very legal in New York City.

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Lemme ask you a question. Let’s say I wanted to promote critical thinking. I started a club where we would just hang out with our dicks out in public thinking critically. We would call it The Outdoor Co-ed Cock-out Critical Thinking Appreciation Society. OCCCTAS, Octa,because 8′ of Thought was just the beginning. Not only am I the President I’m also a member, etc haha. Now would getting a bunch of dicks together to think critically out in public promote my cause or would it be just another sarcastic but uncomfortably visible simulacrum of the state of American Politics?

I’ve never been able to read with an erection. If tits promoted reading then one day I might be able to ask someone subscribed to Playboy, Penthouse or Hustler what the articles are about, and get an answer other than a shrug. If tits put together with books promoted anything more than pages sticking together, then the SAT verbal scores among teenage boys would be amazing. If tits promoted reading wouldn’t it be that the bigger a rack a women had the more well read she would be? The DD strippers of America would have solved the energy crisis back in the 80 when coke was as pervasive as syphilus.

Please understand, I am not a hypocrite. I tried valiantly the first time a friend passed me an playboy magazine. For those of you who don’t know, I had a very Dickensian youth. Meaning I went to an all boys Religious High School. When I wasn’t cleaning chimneys I lead a very limited and sheltered life mired in misery. I was 17 and had not seen a woman in all her shaved, and what seemed like scorched-earth glory. Actually I remember when I saw who ever was at the time’s [insert politically correct non-offensive term for a vagina] I was reminded of these lines from Revelations:

The first angel sounded his trumpet, and there came hail and fire mixed with blood, and it was hurled down on the earth. A third of the earth was burned up, a third of the trees were burned up, and all the green grass was burned up.

~ Revelation 8:7

Anyways I saw the table of contents, then once I got into the magazine the words evanescence into nothingness like inhibitions do around closing time at the bar.

Don’t get Me Wrong

Listen, if you want to walk around topless to remind me that walking around topless is legal fine. Just don’t bullshit me. There is a reason pornos start with a sausage pizza delivery and not the opening of Proust’s Swann’s Way – For a long time, I went to bed early. Or David Foster Wallace’s opener from the Broom of the System: “Most really pretty girls have pretty ugly feet, and so does Mindy Metalman, Lenore notices, all of a sudden”. Or finally, if you can indulge me a little longer Hemingway’s “In the late summer of that year we lived in a house in a village that looked across the river and the plain to the mountains” from his A Farewell to Arms.