What It’s Like @32 – Romance

Just a reminder this is a satirical series and post. I am poking fun of certain things and providing sarcastic and cynical social commentary.  I am a well adjust young man in real life 😀


‘Romance’ and ‘Dinosaur’ are both words that describe something non-existent. On the one hand you have this outdated thing completely obsolete because of a failure to be relevant. While on the other, you have a diverse group of extinct terrestrial vertebrates.

So It Begins

Now this guy’s girl is his partner. He can go to her with any of his problems. Trouble with his family? He can go to her for ‘support’. Trouble with the the boss at work, with the long commute, he can call her to vent. But now the guy’s gotta come up with her tribute every holiday, no matter what.

Life’s sucks and going bad? Fuck you, pay me in bullshit compliments.
Oh, you fell and hurt your knee, you got the flu? Fuck you, pay me in undeserved hours of listening to my lame stories.
You want sex, huh ? – not by yourself this time, Fuck you, pay me in dead plants and chocolates people under slave labor harvested and processed in the Third world

Between the ages of 5 to 28 I saw enough Mafia movies to reassure me, beyond a shadow of a doubt that romance was a popular euphemism for extortion.  So to guarantee consensual participation in sexual acts, women are presented with gifts requiring significant cash expenditure according to the dictates of  a prefabricated gift-giving guideline. There is a predetermined color scheme (red, pink and white). All gifts are accompanied with flowers, – a symbolic homage to the death of independence and the dawn of a new age of servility. And finally a card must be presented because documentation of you expressing gratitude for allowance into such a pernicious liaison is needed.


imagesHere are a list of things considered to be romantic: Teddy Bears, Puppies, Chocolates, low-lights, the color-red and selective-blindness.  These things sound a lot like the what the 7 male and 7 female virgins (paid as tribute to King Minos) must have encountered in the labyrinth before they were consumed by the Minotaur: low-lighting, dried up piles of rank shit (no one has ever had a puppy?), bits of soft fur, and selective-blindness at the fact that they were food for some bastard pet. Oh, I forgot the blood-red blotches smeared on the labyrinth walls from the Minotaurs last lunch.

The one thing I like about romance is that it stimulates the economy and encourages spending. I am not representative of my gender but romance meant nothing for me and every other guy I have met and gotten to know. Funnily enough there were no lines of women at the florist or in pharmacies buying bullshit cards and chocolates in my neighborhood. Of course while on line all the guys had the same resting facial expression: misery.


In case you do not know what misery on a man looks like

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Now @ 32

Now I see that romance is a preferred opiate for certain elements of the population.

Life has become so de-humanizing, so overbearing that we all seek escapes from the daily reminders that we are husks of the dynamic and alive beings we once were. We tack an egregious amount of expectations onto our relationships in the hopes that we will find fulfillment through our significant other; but we don’t. Some of us, completely under the spell of mas media’s socio-political indoctrination, are more content with simulacra rather than reality because our generative organs of perception that allow us to see joy,awe, and non-religion based sanctity in the world around us, has atrophied. So instead of real intimacy and honesty, some of us seek romance aka affectation (behavior, speech, or writing that is artificial and designed to impress) and a hyper form of emotionality.

Bottom line: we can’t make ourselves happy so we push that responsibilities onto someone else. While we end up hating the artificiality and emptiness of romance, we still want to feel wanted and loved and spoiled by attention. But those things are clearly scarce. Thanks to this conflict Catherine Hegel and Jennifer Anniston have made millions staring in Rom-Com movies that ingrain into people’s mind the false stereotype and the idea that women are emotionality driven harpies that live to have man pay them tribute to continue acting irrationally.

It’s not all Snark

It’s not all snark. I do believe that because of our materialistic bent we tend to associate things like love with goods. I’ve dated women who measured how much a guy loves them by the number of gifts they receive. I also know that after years of living with someone, there are some days you are clearly not smiling when you see them.

What matters to me are the little acts that do not have an industry behind them. I am all for thoughtful acts that remind the recipient how much they are loved, and appreciated. In essence to me the closest thing I would call romance are  selfless acts done without any ulterior motives. Without selflessness there is no intimacy or ‘romance’. Take a look around at our dying planet and tell me where you see an abundance in selflessness? Look at divorce rates in this country and try to rationalize how truly rare a sincere expression of romance is.


  1. A relationship isn’t about keeping score, no matter if its a friendship or “other”. I see too many people in my life who measure the health of their relationship on gestures at planned intervals or dates (like yesterday) vs. selfless acts or how they communicate.

    Great post!


    • Thanks NotAPunkRocker

      Once I come across anything where there is this feeling that I am supposed to do something I immediately drop that shit, excuse my french. I think being in love is awesome and even if it’s cheesy I don’t mind expressing myself with gifts and cards, as long as I am sincere about it and doing it for the right reasons. The older I get the more sincerity matters. I cant stand anything where I have to go trough the motions to appease someone’s ego. I always hope that with these @32 posts its clear that I’m joking and being a little more sarcastic than usual.


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