A Week of Humorous Reflections about Relationships : The BroApp !!!


I often wish I had the power of a pretty women without having to have the operation. I could do magical things like:

  1. listen to Beyonce’s latest album and enjoy the songs,
  2. say the dumbest asinine stuff at the bar and have people pretend they’re still listening to me
  3. and most importantly, turn a common cellphone into a tools of torture.

Picture your busy at work and  at about 10:30AM a barrage of text messages come your way.

What are you doing? Where are you ? You work too much ? When are you coming home? Do you miss me ? What are  we doing this weekend  ? Oh You Had Plans with your friends ? Why do you still hand out with Tommy ?   Wouldn’t you rather stay home with me and watch some bullshit movies that you would only watch under torture ? Did you take out the garbage ? Why do you always forget to do that ? You know what else you have forgotten? 

Nagging, it’s something we have all experienced and some thing no one likes. In most cases nagging is the result of a breakdown in communications. However I have never seen my female colleagues friends have to run to their cell phone and respond to a laundry list of text messages. I also took count my superiors wife calling him 10 times on the office phone and 7 times on his cell phone put in his office drawer. It was sad to hear him apologize excessively outside our office and hear him explain that at work we do work, especially when reapplying for grants that will guarantee that we continue to get paid.

Every guy I know has experienced this once. You have plans to see friends and your ball and chain calls you up and demands that you drop everything to stay with her. She is well aware that you had plans but if you really loved her, you’d come over to her place instead.

The broApp  to the Rescue

For some bros it can be extremely tasking to adequately balance their time between their girlfriends and bro activities like lifting, video games, broing out, and chilling with the bros. This is a common bro-blem. Bros genuinely cares about their partner but for some reason sometimes accidentally forget to talk to her all day.

Luckily fellow bros share your pain and created the BroApp to bring an end to this bro-lemma.

With BroApp, you can spend as much time with the bros as you want while pre-selected thoughtful, sweet, and heart-felt text messages are sent through the app to your girlfriend during times of your choice that remind her you’re always thinking about her.

Texts include:
Hey babe, how was your day?
:x
Hey babe, what are you up to tonight?
Miss you :)
Hey babe, i’m leaving work now

If the bros who created the BroApp didn’t properly capture the way you communicate with your girlfriend (or lack there of), you have the option of customizing and adding your own messages.  

Every bro surely knows the importance of not getting caught in the act, which is why the app also has certain safeguards preventing your girlfriend from ever knowing.

You can choose which Wi-Fi networks are not bro-friendly so the app doesn’t send her an automatic text when your both on the couch at her house. Also the bros claim they have a way to disguise the BroApp on your phone so she can never detect it.

As always bros prevail for their fellow bros and the BroApp is here to help any member of the bro community who need bro-sisstance. 

Realistically

4b59915ecce0dee4bfa3f60680308695e4491ea42d23781bb3f10bd043621643I tend to hate people who use the word bro, and this whole “bro” culture. I’m more of the early 80’s Hulk Hogan Brother. But this app is as cool as it is ridiculous. It makes relationships seems like Word War 2 we have people in computer labs trying to give someone a defense against an entrench, superior emotional onslaught. In stead of code breakers we have code writers, but according to the comments sections on a lot of BroApp articles, the devastation of young men in their prime is the same.

All I can do is laugh. and call to mind T S Eliot’s poem The Hollow Men below. What do you think about the BroApp is it really that serious ? You know there will be a corresponding Sista/girlfriend/AllMySingleLadies/App ,what do you think it will do

We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or rats’ feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar

Shape without form, shade without colour,
Paralysed force, gesture without motion;

What It’s Like @32 – Romance


Just a reminder this is a satirical series and post. I am poking fun of certain things and providing sarcastic and cynical social commentary.  I am a well adjust young man in real life :-D

_________

‘Romance’ and ‘Dinosaur’ are both words that describe something non-existent. On the one hand you have this outdated thing completely obsolete because of a failure to be relevant. While on the other, you have a diverse group of extinct terrestrial vertebrates.

So It Begins

Now this guy’s girl is his partner. He can go to her with any of his problems. Trouble with his family? He can go to her for ‘support’. Trouble with the the boss at work, with the long commute, he can call her to vent. But now the guy’s gotta come up with her tribute every holiday, no matter what.

Life’s sucks and going bad? Fuck you, pay me in bullshit compliments.
Oh, you fell and hurt your knee, you got the flu? Fuck you, pay me in undeserved hours of listening to my lame stories.
You want sex, huh ? – not by yourself this time, Fuck you, pay me in dead plants and chocolates people under slave labor harvested and processed in the Third world

Between the ages of 5 to 28 I saw enough Mafia movies to reassure me, beyond a shadow of a doubt that romance was a popular euphemism for extortion.  So to guarantee consensual participation in sexual acts, women are presented with gifts requiring significant cash expenditure according to the dictates of  a prefabricated gift-giving guideline. There is a predetermined color scheme (red, pink and white). All gifts are accompanied with flowers, – a symbolic homage to the death of independence and the dawn of a new age of servility. And finally a card must be presented because documentation of you expressing gratitude for allowance into such a pernicious liaison is needed.

Romance

imagesHere are a list of things considered to be romantic: Teddy Bears, Puppies, Chocolates, low-lights, the color-red and selective-blindness.  These things sound a lot like the what the 7 male and 7 female virgins (paid as tribute to King Minos) must have encountered in the labyrinth before they were consumed by the Minotaur: low-lighting, dried up piles of rank shit (no one has ever had a puppy?), bits of soft fur, and selective-blindness at the fact that they were food for some bastard pet. Oh, I forgot the blood-red blotches smeared on the labyrinth walls from the Minotaurs last lunch.

The one thing I like about romance is that it stimulates the economy and encourages spending. I am not representative of my gender but romance meant nothing for me and every other guy I have met and gotten to know. Funnily enough there were no lines of women at the florist or in pharmacies buying bullshit cards and chocolates in my neighborhood. Of course while on line all the guys had the same resting facial expression: misery.

Misery

In case you do not know what misery on a man looks like

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Now @ 32

Now I see that romance is a preferred opiate for certain elements of the population.

Life has become so de-humanizing, so overbearing that we all seek escapes from the daily reminders that we are husks of the dynamic and alive beings we once were. We tack an egregious amount of expectations onto our relationships in the hopes that we will find fulfillment through our significant other; but we don’t. Some of us, completely under the spell of mas media’s socio-political indoctrination, are more content with simulacra rather than reality because our generative organs of perception that allow us to see joy,awe, and non-religion based sanctity in the world around us, has atrophied. So instead of real intimacy and honesty, some of us seek romance aka affectation (behavior, speech, or writing that is artificial and designed to impress) and a hyper form of emotionality.

Bottom line: we can’t make ourselves happy so we push that responsibilities onto someone else. While we end up hating the artificiality and emptiness of romance, we still want to feel wanted and loved and spoiled by attention. But those things are clearly scarce. Thanks to this conflict Catherine Hegel and Jennifer Anniston have made millions staring in Rom-Com movies that ingrain into people’s mind the false stereotype and the idea that women are emotionality driven harpies that live to have man pay them tribute to continue acting irrationally.

It’s not all Snark

It’s not all snark. I do believe that because of our materialistic bent we tend to associate things like love with goods. I’ve dated women who measured how much a guy loves them by the number of gifts they receive. I also know that after years of living with someone, there are some days you are clearly not smiling when you see them.

What matters to me are the little acts that do not have an industry behind them. I am all for thoughtful acts that remind the recipient how much they are loved, and appreciated. In essence to me the closest thing I would call romance are  selfless acts done without any ulterior motives. Without selflessness there is no intimacy or ‘romance’. Take a look around at our dying planet and tell me where you see an abundance in selflessness? Look at divorce rates in this country and try to rationalize how truly rare a sincere expression of romance is.