A Week of Humorous Reflections about Relationships : The BroApp !!!


I often wish I had the power of a pretty women without having to have the operation. I could do magical things like:

  1. listen to Beyonce’s latest album and enjoy the songs,
  2. say the dumbest asinine stuff at the bar and have people pretend they’re still listening to me
  3. and most importantly, turn a common cellphone into a tools of torture.

Picture your busy at work and  at about 10:30AM a barrage of text messages come your way.

What are you doing? Where are you ? You work too much ? When are you coming home? Do you miss me ? What are  we doing this weekend  ? Oh You Had Plans with your friends ? Why do you still hand out with Tommy ?   Wouldn’t you rather stay home with me and watch some bullshit movies that you would only watch under torture ? Did you take out the garbage ? Why do you always forget to do that ? You know what else you have forgotten? 

Nagging, it’s something we have all experienced and some thing no one likes. In most cases nagging is the result of a breakdown in communications. However I have never seen my female colleagues friends have to run to their cell phone and respond to a laundry list of text messages. I also took count my superiors wife calling him 10 times on the office phone and 7 times on his cell phone put in his office drawer. It was sad to hear him apologize excessively outside our office and hear him explain that at work we do work, especially when reapplying for grants that will guarantee that we continue to get paid.

Every guy I know has experienced this once. You have plans to see friends and your ball and chain calls you up and demands that you drop everything to stay with her. She is well aware that you had plans but if you really loved her, you’d come over to her place instead.

The broApp  to the Rescue

For some bros it can be extremely tasking to adequately balance their time between their girlfriends and bro activities like lifting, video games, broing out, and chilling with the bros. This is a common bro-blem. Bros genuinely cares about their partner but for some reason sometimes accidentally forget to talk to her all day.

Luckily fellow bros share your pain and created the BroApp to bring an end to this bro-lemma.

With BroApp, you can spend as much time with the bros as you want while pre-selected thoughtful, sweet, and heart-felt text messages are sent through the app to your girlfriend during times of your choice that remind her you’re always thinking about her.

Texts include:
Hey babe, how was your day?
:x
Hey babe, what are you up to tonight?
Miss you :)
Hey babe, i’m leaving work now

If the bros who created the BroApp didn’t properly capture the way you communicate with your girlfriend (or lack there of), you have the option of customizing and adding your own messages.  

Every bro surely knows the importance of not getting caught in the act, which is why the app also has certain safeguards preventing your girlfriend from ever knowing.

You can choose which Wi-Fi networks are not bro-friendly so the app doesn’t send her an automatic text when your both on the couch at her house. Also the bros claim they have a way to disguise the BroApp on your phone so she can never detect it.

As always bros prevail for their fellow bros and the BroApp is here to help any member of the bro community who need bro-sisstance. 

Realistically

4b59915ecce0dee4bfa3f60680308695e4491ea42d23781bb3f10bd043621643I tend to hate people who use the word bro, and this whole “bro” culture. I’m more of the early 80’s Hulk Hogan Brother. But this app is as cool as it is ridiculous. It makes relationships seems like Word War 2 we have people in computer labs trying to give someone a defense against an entrench, superior emotional onslaught. In stead of code breakers we have code writers, but according to the comments sections on a lot of BroApp articles, the devastation of young men in their prime is the same.

All I can do is laugh. and call to mind T S Eliot’s poem The Hollow Men below. What do you think about the BroApp is it really that serious ? You know there will be a corresponding Sista/girlfriend/AllMySingleLadies/App ,what do you think it will do

We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or rats’ feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar

Shape without form, shade without colour,
Paralysed force, gesture without motion;

download

What It’s Like @32 – Romance


Just a reminder this is a satirical series and post. I am poking fun of certain things and providing sarcastic and cynical social commentary.  I am a well adjust young man in real life :-D

_________

‘Romance’ and ‘Dinosaur’ are both words that describe something non-existent. On the one hand you have this outdated thing completely obsolete because of a failure to be relevant. While on the other, you have a diverse group of extinct terrestrial vertebrates.

So It Begins

Now this guy’s girl is his partner. He can go to her with any of his problems. Trouble with his family? He can go to her for ‘support’. Trouble with the the boss at work, with the long commute, he can call her to vent. But now the guy’s gotta come up with her tribute every holiday, no matter what.

Life’s sucks and going bad? Fuck you, pay me in bullshit compliments.
Oh, you fell and hurt your knee, you got the flu? Fuck you, pay me in undeserved hours of listening to my lame stories.
You want sex, huh ? – not by yourself this time, Fuck you, pay me in dead plants and chocolates people under slave labor harvested and processed in the Third world

Between the ages of 5 to 28 I saw enough Mafia movies to reassure me, beyond a shadow of a doubt that romance was a popular euphemism for extortion.  So to guarantee consensual participation in sexual acts, women are presented with gifts requiring significant cash expenditure according to the dictates of  a prefabricated gift-giving guideline. There is a predetermined color scheme (red, pink and white). All gifts are accompanied with flowers, – a symbolic homage to the death of independence and the dawn of a new age of servility. And finally a card must be presented because documentation of you expressing gratitude for allowance into such a pernicious liaison is needed.

Romance

imagesHere are a list of things considered to be romantic: Teddy Bears, Puppies, Chocolates, low-lights, the color-red and selective-blindness.  These things sound a lot like the what the 7 male and 7 female virgins (paid as tribute to King Minos) must have encountered in the labyrinth before they were consumed by the Minotaur: low-lighting, dried up piles of rank shit (no one has ever had a puppy?), bits of soft fur, and selective-blindness at the fact that they were food for some bastard pet. Oh, I forgot the blood-red blotches smeared on the labyrinth walls from the Minotaurs last lunch.

The one thing I like about romance is that it stimulates the economy and encourages spending. I am not representative of my gender but romance meant nothing for me and every other guy I have met and gotten to know. Funnily enough there were no lines of women at the florist or in pharmacies buying bullshit cards and chocolates in my neighborhood. Of course while on line all the guys had the same resting facial expression: misery.

Misery

In case you do not know what misery on a man looks like

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Now @ 32

Now I see that romance is a preferred opiate for certain elements of the population.

Life has become so de-humanizing, so overbearing that we all seek escapes from the daily reminders that we are husks of the dynamic and alive beings we once were. We tack an egregious amount of expectations onto our relationships in the hopes that we will find fulfillment through our significant other; but we don’t. Some of us, completely under the spell of mas media’s socio-political indoctrination, are more content with simulacra rather than reality because our generative organs of perception that allow us to see joy,awe, and non-religion based sanctity in the world around us, has atrophied. So instead of real intimacy and honesty, some of us seek romance aka affectation (behavior, speech, or writing that is artificial and designed to impress) and a hyper form of emotionality.

Bottom line: we can’t make ourselves happy so we push that responsibilities onto someone else. While we end up hating the artificiality and emptiness of romance, we still want to feel wanted and loved and spoiled by attention. But those things are clearly scarce. Thanks to this conflict Catherine Hegel and Jennifer Anniston have made millions staring in Rom-Com movies that ingrain into people’s mind the false stereotype and the idea that women are emotionality driven harpies that live to have man pay them tribute to continue acting irrationally.

It’s not all Snark

It’s not all snark. I do believe that because of our materialistic bent we tend to associate things like love with goods. I’ve dated women who measured how much a guy loves them by the number of gifts they receive. I also know that after years of living with someone, there are some days you are clearly not smiling when you see them.

What matters to me are the little acts that do not have an industry behind them. I am all for thoughtful acts that remind the recipient how much they are loved, and appreciated. In essence to me the closest thing I would call romance are  selfless acts done without any ulterior motives. Without selflessness there is no intimacy or ‘romance’. Take a look around at our dying planet and tell me where you see an abundance in selflessness? Look at divorce rates in this country and try to rationalize how truly rare a sincere expression of romance is.

MrMary Reads: Subtle Degrees


imagessubtle degrees
of domination and servitude
are what you know as love

but love is different
it arrives complete
just there
like the moon in the window

like the sun
of neither east nor west
nor of anyplace

when that sun arrives
east and west arrive

desire only that
of which you have no hope
seek only that
of which you have no clue

love is the sea of not-being
and there intellect drowns

this is not the Oxus River
or some little creek
this is the shoreless sea;
here swimming ends
always in drowning

6ks9O

Another Inappropriate Christmas Gift …. Uhm this one is crazy


 

Doc Johnson Good Head Strawberry Oral Sex Mints

Flavored desensitizing mints. For the ultimate blow job. Individually wrapped oral sex mints. Good Head once only available as a lickable oral sex gel is now in a more convenient mint. Deep throat like never before. Helps suppress the gag reflex. Doubles as a minty breathe freshener. Easy to use. Sugar free. Oral anesthetic. Single tin 20 oral sex mints.

Now these come in two flavors

Spearmint

&

Strawberry

Doc Johnson is a name you can trust obviously because Johnson is a Doctor.  Is anyone willing to be a secret product shopper and test out this product on their significant other and report back?

Similar Product

 

 

 

Go Deep Oral Sex Mints Adam-Eve

Customer Review:

GO DEEP ON YOUR MAN, November 11, 2012 5/5 Stars

THE NAME IS WHAT CAUGHT MY EYE!!! I LUV THESE!! THEY ARE GREAT FOR GAGGERS. MY HUSBAND HAS LENGTH & WIDTH…BEFORE USING THESE I COULD NEVER TAKE HIM IN AS FAR AS I CAN NOW. I KNOW I HAVE IMPROVED FROM HIS EXPRESSION’S. I WOULD LIKE TO TOOT MY OWN HORN AND SAY I AM A GREAT AT IT NOW…LOL. I HAVE READ OTHER REVIEWS AND IT DIDN’T WORK FOR SOME BUT FOR I TRY TO KEEP THEM BC I KNOW MY MAN LOVES THEM. ALSO YOU HAVE TO BE INTO WHAT YOU’RE DOING BC IF YOU DON’T ENJOY DOING IT THEN YOUR PROBABLY NOT GOING TO BE GOOD AT SOMETHING YOU DON’T ENJOY DOING,,JUST A THOUGHT. I RECOMMEND THESE!! I GIVE THEM 5 STARS!!!!

________

BLAH, June 18, 2012 1/5 STARS

I bought these awhile back and thought they might work, why not they said they would, be very careful with them they are large mints and take awhile to do dissolve but they numb your tongue, not your throat. Plus my fiancee said that after I used them he had a pain for about an hour not a rash but he was really red for that time these I wouldn’t recommend. Trying to get them to numb the back of your throat is just not worth the hassle of trying not to choke, I almost did twice on these, and you can’t even try and do anything while they are in your mouth or your looking at a 911 call for sure LOLZ.

1325303113_arguing_with_a_woman_gag

Showing that Blogger Love: Reason I Hate Being a Man


I was inspired to write this after I read The Curse of Eve: Reasons I Hate Being a Woman. You all should check her out !!!  Her blog I mean. I’m sure she is quite fine in person.

DISCLAIMER: This is meant to be a JOKE.  You know Ha-Ha funny kinda of joke. If You take this seriously then you jsut may be a joke.

Reasons I hate Being  Man

Reason # 1

I don’t live as long as my female counterparts, I don’t know if that is a gift or blessing but I kind feel left out

Reason # 2

Turn out that I can get woken up from the libidinous clutches of sleep to investigate sounds or kill insects. There is nothing more absurd than walking investigating strange sounds half asleep with a boner. It is one of the original Commandments  Thou shall not bludgeon thy female neighbours ass  (a lot of grey area with legal interpretation concerning this commandment)

Reason # 3 Had to learn about gentleness subtlety

I didn’t naturally come knowing about subtlety or tact. For example turns out my  over development of  leg and lower back strength didn’t help out my intimate relationships especially when my lady friend had to wake up early for work the next morning. Now by default I rut like an old man:  slow and ugly.

Reason # 4   Movies

Sometimes I have to not only watch movies but pretend to be into it. It’s not my fault I am genetically predisposed to plotless stories with love, violence explosions, car chases, hot girls, and people getting beat-down.

Reason # 5 Arguments

I was born not being interested in winning arguments. So I have no compulsion to win them. Even if I had that inclination I could not. So I stay silent but my silence is always misconstrued and  misappropriated which is why dudes have arguments with other dudes over completely trivial stuff like the weather, the quickest way to get to work, i.e  meaningless stuff where there is a clear winner.

Reason # 6 Other Dudes

There are other dudes that always try to show off and exert what little power hey think they have on you by force and administration of pain, we call them the police where I am from.

Reason #7 Oprah

She tells women all kinds of crazy bullshit that some actually believe.