Paula Deen & The Anatomy of a Racial Apology

MrMary neither judges Ms Deen for her words or action. I would imagine that after at least a good 2 centuries of hardcore using the N-word it must be hard to quit cold turkey. I imagine it is for the same reason that atheist women still during the incendiary apex of sexual congress still cry out “Oh God, Oh God” , well they do with me at least. But that not the point of this post. I wanted to talk about some trends I have noticed for racial apologies, when the race being lambasted by the repeated sour bitter verbal ejaculations (a short sudden emotional utterance) is black and the ebullient speaker is Caucasian.

Generally speaking these sort of apologies will have the following elements

  1. Tears
  2. Reference to God/Constitution
  3. Mention of a positive experience with a “black person” real, imagined or stage
  4. Mention of a black people that is social acceptable to like
  5. Apologies not necessarily directed at a particular group of people
  6. An apology to the sponsors
  7. Strong wafting of Bullshit

Let Me Explain

bgreaNothing says that you are sorry like tears. That’s why the groom sometimes cries during the exchange of vows , or the afore mention lady atheist who was racked with grief that she did have a connection to some ineffable omnipotent, omniscient being to explain away my legendary prowess after make my supplications at the alter of recreational use of Cialis and Powers Gold Label Whiskey. Serious as we know from history and from Mark Anthony’s speech in Shakespeare Julius Caesar, the way to get the people on your side is to appeal to their emotion. The most stirring passionate speeches in history have been those which have pulled at the heart string of the people. Why else for example Did Kennedy say he was a sausage at the Berlin Wall Speech.*

For me I cannot tell if the accused is crying because  of loss of money or if they are really sorry.  I generally feel that anyone after enjoying certain privileges would hate to not enjoy them. Losing a part of a 16 million dollar empire as in Ms Deen case would make me cry. If being a biggott out in the open only paid, she would be alright but Antonin Scalia and his corpulent ways leaves no room for Ms Deen and a potential political career

eyelinerYou have to reference a higher power and belief in it, in particularly one greater than butter that everyone can get behind. “Then let me say this, the main reason I am here today Matt is that it’s important that I tell you and everyone out there how I believe and how I live my life. I believe that every creature on this world, everyone of God’s creatures is created equal, no matter who you go to be with, where you pray, everyone should be created equal.”

When I was a kid I went to a Roman Catholic Mass with my pops, and when it came time for the sign of peace (this is where you shake hands  with the people around them and offer them a blessing of peace) no one really made any move to shake my pops or my hand. I didn’t understand then what being the only black people in the church at that time meant. I asked my pops afterwards why didn’t they shake our hands and he said ” White people don’t believe in God, if they believed in a higher power they wouldn’t print In god we Trust on the Dollar Bill” This was said out of anger of course. My father wasnt racist he bought me santa claus pyjamas and Santa Claus last I checked is a very popular White Person. This brings me to my next point

tb_640x480Mention of a positive experience with a “black person” real, imagined or stage.

I love these statements in particular, “my mom (Paula Deen) isnt racist she brought me Hank Aaron Pyjamas.” Let me give you an example: I have exactly one black friend. I dated a black girl and the sex was ok for her, or at least that what she said in a text while she was running out of my mom’s basement. The guy who used to shine my shoes was black. My favorite mechanic is black. My favorite porn to watch has tons of black actresses.  Have you noticed that…

bikoIt’s always a certain type of black person they mention.

They do not mention Nat Turner pyjamas or t-shirts. or Malcolm X Cd’s, or Black panther Berets. As I discovered  there are certain black people who are acceptable for admiration to be given publically: Old time ball players who have been recreated by the news, Black Abolitionist, and MLK. When I say recreated I mean when these sport figured played they were assaulted, berated, chastised, abused for playing a white man’s sport. Now that we want to distance ourselves from those times we name highways or blvd after them. If he had worn Steve Biko pyjamas, or hoodie with the Archbishop Desmond Tutu (Not to be confused with former pimp the Archbishop Don “Magic” Juan) I may believe him.

hFAA10B3CApologies not necessarily directed at a particular group of people. 

I learned all about apologies  when I started dating. They have to be super specific with at least 5 assurances that you wont do it again and 5 things you will do to show your sorry. As far as I know and I don’t know much, Ms Deen apologies didn’t have any specifics. One of the first things she said is that there are many lies being said about her which made it seem that she was there not really to apologizes but damage control so all her sponsors wouldn’t drop her

An apology to the sponsors – says it all


Try it out, insult some Negros and use my guide  to crafty your apology.




  1. I hate that you had to experience that rejection as a child – at a church of all things. I hate that people of color are still facing prejudice. It’s a skin tone – that’s like just hating one crayon in the box for no damn reason. I don’t understand. I will never understand, I guess.

    This was a great post.


    • Thanks Alice! I loved your post about guns killing people and not statistics. Its was a great article I had to reblog it. I am glad that you consider this a great post. Hate is unfortunately illogical, logically it makes more sense to be more inclusive and treat people with some sort of kindness.


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