Satire: Dating Difficulties Abound for Local Area Feminist

PARK SLOPE, BROOKLYN – If one word local area feminist Ada Cunningham says describes her and how she’s been feeling as of late, it would be distraught.  This past Thursday night after having waved five separate men over to her table at the local watering hole and eatery to fill out her Consent to Maybe Initiate A Conversation Form (CMIC), Ada couldn’t understand why no one wanted to indulge her. I made the mistake of pointing out that the ‘In Case You Rape Me After This‘ header might turn some men off. However, what was to me baseless castigation to Ada was an unarguable fact. Noticeably louder than before Ada proceeded to enlighten me:  ‘An alarming  majority of women are raped by men they know. No woman ever thinks that their smiling back at a male exhibiting interest could be encouraging a rapist into our space. That’s a scary thought, especially seeing how every man, even those who haven’t raped yet, are rapists. Yes, all men are rapist. The one’s who haven’t done it haven’t been presented the opportunity’. Since conceiving of forms as a way to keep track of who she talks to in the event of a rape, not a single one has been filled out. Ada finds herself alone weekend after weekend and visibly distraught. Moved by the severity of her predicament, I proposed that Ada  walk to the bar with me, where I give the bartender $20 while simultaneously pointing to Ada, telling him that whatever 2 drinks she wants are on me. I instruct Ada that she must at her discretion, first go to the bar while I walk back to our table, then chose her drinks in order to finally see them made in front of her eyes. This ensures no date rape drug conveniently finds its way into her drink. To my surprise, my following to the letter, the instructions for how to make a woman feel safe when buying her a drink, Section II of her CMIC’s Supplementary Information Section, changed Ada’s demeanor. Days later she called me to tell me that she had updated that header I commented on  to “In Case You Chose To Rape Me After This”.


And if the professional rapist is to be separated from the
average dominant heterosexual (male), 
it may be mainly a quantitative difference.”
– Susan Griffin, “Rape: The All-American Crime”,
Ramparts Magazine, September 1971


Me Gender Fluid ? No I’m rather Gender Stagnant

Gender stagnation is a term which refers to an unchanging gender identity. A vital component of a gender stagnant person’s ideology is that, while willing to happily support individuals from all walks of life, choosing to identify themselves in a manner comparable to cream in the dairy aisle (fat-free, half-&-half, heavily or double-creamed), they fundamentally feels that a social privilege that people have struggled long and hard to bring deep into the nation’s consciousness gets devalued when given empty, sensationalist coverage.

When it comes to gender, I’m admittedly quite vanilla, as in a ‘chocolatey’, African-American vanilla variant. Meaning, if you’re like the last woman I dated, you’ll probably put me in the back of the fridge out of sight of parents and friends. But when you’re all alone, you know where to go to get that fix for what has been described as ‘the sweet, soft texture of euphoria.’ I’m unabashedly masculine, which is entirely different from choosing to identify as masculine. Before elaborating further, you should know, namely that without a doubt masculinity is more than just laughing aloud after reading the latest feminist piece on male sexuality. Masculinity has nothing to do with being macho, or the excessive consumption of alcohol, or being/enjoying gratuitous violence, or finally an intolerance of difference, albeit sexual, racial, etc.

Continue reading “Me Gender Fluid ? No I’m rather Gender Stagnant”