MrMary’s Jocular Look @Today’s News || Bachelorette party ruined: thieves take $500 of sex toys.

article-2336548-1A2B205F000005DC-341_634x345Thieves broke into five cars in Sandy, Ore., and we’re betting that one of those hauls came as a big surprise: $500 worth of sex toys. The story behind the theft is somewhat less salacious than the circumstances might suggest: Chelsey Coutts was storing the gear in her car in advance of an upcoming bachelorette party so her kids wouldn’t get a look at the stuff, which she described as “lots of toys, blow-up items, all kinds of stuff.” The bride-to-be also expressed her disappointment: “I don’t even know what they could use it for.” Both women valiantly maintained that the bachelorette party will go on as planned

It was horrible. The officer kind of started laughing, but he felt bad so he asked me to describe everything in detail, and it was just horrible,’ Coutts said to KPTV.Com

Getting into it:

I’m going to say it was an inside job. I think they thieves wanted $500 dollars of sex toys and they had to break into the other 4 cars to make it seem like they haphazardly in the course of their chicanery came across such a pay load.

But the real question is:

What can $500 dollars of sex toys get you in Oregon

especially given the state of the economy ?

Until that is answered we are at a loss. I’m guessing local stores buy in bulk from china here everything is produce from food, to rat meat for shipping to Angelina Jolie‘s new breasts (to soon ?) As a unrepentant NY‘er I have no idea about Oregon. I know the lovely Jen and Tonic calls the state her home. I know this one girl who lived in Portland but when I imagined her responce to my question: How many dildo can $500  get ya, I think she would be mortified that I thought that she has an appetite for pillaging (herself) that rivals that of Genghis Khans

Investigative Journalism

I decided to price online how much can $500  get you in sex toys.  Then I decided to customize a package for a bridal showers. Here is my dilemma: What do women do at a bachlorette party: do they surreptitiously do quality control of the products with each other?  Does Minday say to Brianna, bend over I want to try the automatic feature on the PeenGun ( I should trade mark that). Do they hire a stripper male and or female and bludgeon their soul into submission.

Research Results:

A decent sized bachelorette party: 4-6 Women.
For 4-6 women the sex toy price per woman ranges from: $83 – $125
Battery Cost: Like everything else in life  not included: ???
About the Bachelorette Paty: The Bride-to-Be’s Bachelorette Party (aka The Bachelorette) is a rite of passage — it’s the bride’s last night out on the town as a single woman. The Bachelorette is THE party where no matter what happens it remains a Sacred Trust between sisters. Forever!
Bachelorette Oath of Trust:

“I, (state your name) do solemnly swear that as a woman of the world I will respect and honor my sisters. I will not reveal the secrets of the evening. I understand that violating this treatment will spread bad karma upon my being and may result in increased bloating and cramping.

If asked about the happenings of the evening I shall reply:

‘Oh, you know, girl stuff, like opening presents and decorating the party with streamers. The bride’s grandmother was there'”

Side Note:

When a guy gets married and he meets with his boys there is an air of solemnity. We all pat him on his back and re-assure him. We don’t know what we are reassuring him for. But this is the end. We drink we remember the good times, and if strippers are involved its only to quell the sadness that the beloved friend we know is going to die to the world. We smoke we do everything we could to delay the impending.

Sex Toys

This far into my research I feel like I have been transport back to the time of Sappho of when the Isle of Lesbos was a big destination stop for wooden boats on the Mediterranean. I do not know anything about sex toys but I do know looking at the MsMaryMFPoppins and SisterMaryMFpoppins that if I looked for a deal/sale I would be ok. Affordability is key. Of All the stores I pick:  because they have been protecting privacy sing 1998 I go to Women’s Best Sellers and I saw some things that if this was in Ancient Greece I would have been struck blind for my insolence:

Liquid Virgin Drops – Tighten Up Your Va-Jay-Jay


I kind of have to wonder why is this such a popular product, is spring break that taxing on the body ? But that discussion is neither here nor there, but hey if you wanna make every time Your first time.

The Sqweel 2

sqweel_2_offen_schwarzI imagine someone was looking at a PinWheel at a fair and had a Eureka moment

Deep Throat Oral Desensitizer Spray


I can sort of get this but why is it strawberry flavored ? I don’t see the connection between strawberries and mouthing a phallus  But Now I have to go back and wonder if some of ex girlfriends were genuine happy or just technologically equipped.

So at this I stopped this research. Because frankly everyone in my house is looking at my strangely and I feel a discussion coming where I am told that everyone love and accepts me for who I am but to keep my nastiness to myself.

The Mathematics of it

Average dildo price $15.00

If you are more conservative,  one for each participant will cost $60 -$90. Getting one that squirts is an extra dollar fifty/dildo.

If you and your girls are very liberally and do not get yeast infections easily or don’t mind getting your cervix punched you could go for the pricier “World’s Biggest Dildo” aka the The Dick Rambone Dildo coming in as 14.5 inches, it will hit your pockets hard at 32.99. I am  guess approximating $128-$170  just to get one for everyone. Or you could get one  rinse it off and share. I don’t know the etiquette here. I love though the marketing and the image of Sylvester Stallone  it conjures up.

I am going to stop my research and investigative journalism here. Curiousity got the best of me and I check out something called strange sex toys. Things were going fine until I saw the penetration station and the Blow Up Barack – The Presidential Love Doll. I think these women were preparing for an all out assault on democracy and marginally empty space. Next time I see a girl that’s going to a bachelorette party, i will be wondering what’s in her truck, and thanks to Shop in Private I have jsut teh right technology to figure it out


Final Thoughts:

Advice for Ladies Planning a Bachelorette Party unless your Ramboning it, keep the dildo prices to about 15-20% of your allotted sex toy budget.

If You can imaging looking each other in the eye the next day you’re doing it wrong

Best Marketing/Sales Pitch/Item Description

Look no further, my friend, you have found what you have always been seeking: the world’s biggest dildo. I mean, it’s part of the American Dream, right? A wonderful husband, 2.5 kids, a dog, a house with two bathrooms and a garage, and a 14.5 inch dildo with a massive 2.5 inch diameter girth. Oh, and don’t forget the white picket fence!

The Dick Rambone Dildo is a ginormous dildo. My boss thwacked me on the leg with it (yes, weird things happen in our office), and I fell over with the force. This dildo is THAT heavy. You can use it to defend yourself against intruders. You can use it to make your boyfriend feel vastly inferior. You can use it as a rolling pin next time you’re making bread.  Made in the USA. Features a large suction cup that will adhere to clean, smooth surfaces.

Education: Castrating Mo’fos for a while now! featuring also an Inappropriate conversation

This conversation is a real conversation between my friend and I. My friend and I are old friends, old jokers and clowns. No insult was intended to anyone. While prurient and strong language is used please be aware that this was carefully selected not for shock value but to illustrate something important that I go on to discuss later. Caution is advised


Education: Castrating Mo’fos for a while now

Chuck: Sup Dave
Hey Man what’s happening
Chuck: Nothing much,
I’m kinda tire, ya had the day off?
Chuck: Central Park man just came back from around the tennis court
I love women who play tennis a lot
Chuck: What is a lot,
well enough tennis so that they can do that thing, ya know?
Chuck: Nah, I can’t read ya mind D-Bo
Most female tennis do they cool thing, they can hold like a three balls in their hand easy …
Chuck: Seriously … ? … are ya fucking serious right now
I wouldnt mind coming home, and being held… cuddling at its best
Chuck: [chuckling] That ain’t cuddling man
Sure it is, I am going to help feminist everywhere liberate themselves from the old definitions
of cuddling, I feel that a feminist will understand that I want to my feelings to be factored in to the cuddling.
Chuck: Yer full of shit
I dont want to be an object just because I’m muscular and give off a lot of body heat

[My Co worker passes by]  What ‘s going on [Co-worker’s first name] …Yeah ?!?! ..ok cool Cya next week Good luck with your experiment

Chuck: Who Dat fuck was that
My Co-worker
Chuck: He must be European
Why do you say that
Chuck: His pants are so fucking tight, if he aint euro maybe he’s a 70’s Burt Reynolds fanplus my sister has sandals like that…. what up with all you academic types man ?
Just because I work amongst them in the mist doesn’t mean I am one of em Jane Goodall
Chuck: Ya know what I mean though right … Right? .. Jane Goodall?
Yeah Man, that lady who studied gorillas ….
Chuck: That dude looks off man, if he’s married , his lady wears the dildo in that relationship, and he tucks his shit back, and prolly sits to pee
Sitting to pee isn’t bad, sometimes after heavy drinking or leg day at the gym …
Chuck: You know what I mean,  … fucking meat head
Seriously don’t hate because I’m making all kinds a fucking gains
Chuck: Betcha the last time this guy’s face was deep getting cut up and shit,
in some p@$$y, was the day he was born

Ok Getting Right into it

I believe it was Dave Chappelle who made the apt analogy that college/universities are the modern day equivalent of the slave ship. Instead of educating you and providing you the means to take your own evolution in your own hands, you are moulded into a worker, a mindless drone. You’re not so mindless, but your smart enough to do what is needed, without every questioning what’s going on. I have worked exclusively in academia since 1999 -2000, and I have never gone for drinks with my co-workers, because I find them sorta bland. They talk about work at work they are over-analytical. They are push-overs, like all the intellectuality has made them effete. When I look at myself and my friend I feel we are like Nebuchadnezzar and the Bad Boys of Babylon or the four horsemen of death. Where is the vigor? the vitality? the  touch of wildness ?

The seem neutered. Have you ever seen a neutered male lion ? It’s not aggressive, it loses it’s mane. It gains a lot of weight

Side Note

blt_2_mediumIn a small pen, Baloo (an American black bear), Leo (the lion) and Shere Kahn (a Bengal tiger) cuddle, play ball, chase each other around, eat cookies daily and seem to have forged a friendship for life. The three predators were rescued as cubs 12 years ago from drug dealers who’d abused and neglected them. But when trainers tried to separate the animals, they acted out. For years, trainers said they worried and waited for fights but had witnessed nothing but peace among the three. Hedgecoth said she didn’t know how the trio had managed to get along together so well and for so long. “I think that the ordeal they went through as youngsters really bonded them together,” she told ABC News. “That’s all that they had. They only had each other for comfort.”

[By this is not friendship. If you cut off my nuts and the nuts of 2 other guys and kept us in an enclosure and we got along and became the best of friends it wouldn’t be a normal friendship, it would be a farce.]

Don’t get me wrong they are amazingly intelligent and smart people,but they almost seem devoid of some essential human characteristic. I have noticed this two in all accountants I met when I needed one for my business back in the day. But that’s neither here nor there. But I definitely feel education castrates/neutered/ detaches us from our body consciousness and prevents us from being grounded.

Did you know that to be a Spartan Warrior you had to be proficient in poetry in argumentation. I think In ancient times this over development of the intellectual facility wasn’t seen as the thing to do.

300-fightThe Spartan public education system, the agoge, trained the mind as well as the body. Spartans were not only literate, but admired for their intellectual culture and poetry. Socrates said the “most ancient and fertile homes of philosophy among the Greeks are Crete and Sparta, where are found more sophists than anywhere on earth.”Public education was provided for girls as well as boys, and consequently literacy rate was higher in Sparta than in other Greek city-states. In education, sports was given the most emphasis in teaching.  Self-discipline, not kadavergehorsam (mindless obedience) was the goal of Spartan education. Sparta placed the values of liberty, equality, and fraternity at the center of their ethical system.

Just my thoughts that our education system overdeveloped our intellectual faculties to the point of exacerbating our of our time most prominent imbalance that of course has serious ramifications for our mental, physical, psychological, and emotional health. This was very different to how education was viewed in some parts of the world centuries  or millennia ago.