MrMary Reflects || Geishas, Monogamy & Infidelity III

I thought I’d would offer my final thoughts in this, the last installment of this series. A few ideas impacted me as I have been writing this series.

• Promiscuity is a significant part of primate mating and reproductive behavior. Some speculate that we are by nature designed to be sexual omnivores.
• As I talked about before marrying for love is a development of the Enlightenment. We have only been doing so for the last 2-300 years. Currently, less than 20 percent of world cultures require monogamy.
• The popularity of the nuclear family began after the Industrial revolution.
• The sexual tourism industry is a global phenomenon indulged in by both men and women.
• Statistics show that the high prevalence of infidelity by both men and women.

I don’t think that monogamy is the society’s one size fits all answer to relationships. I feel that there is a deeper issue at work.

We Distance Ourselves from What We Really Are

An ex-gf asked me once what did I think about marriage. I told her that: “I didn’t think it was anything special being that some animals mate for life. There should not be any points given for doing something  animals do.  I don’t get points for shitting in the grass or doing it doggy style, do I?” She didn’t find that funny. Yet I shared that with you to bring up a point. Civilization makes us imagine that we are something higher and more evolved than animals. We have spent centuries denying and suppressing our animal self.  I’m not advocating a descent into savagery. Good mental, emotional, and psychological health is dependent on balancing our animal and spiritual nature. Spirituality isn’t drumming in a park on mushrooms or whatever counts for spirituality nowadays. Let me give you an example. This below is a picture of a recently unearthed, double ended Bronze dildo from the Han Dynasty, it is about 2000 years old.

This was might have been in use around when Jesus was preaching at fish fries, bringing in wine to parties to give you some context. Once we accept both sides of our nature and not promote one at the expense of the other we can come to terms with the reality of relationships. The centuries long suppression of women and our animalistic nature has lead in part to our imbalance.

According to the animal kingdom, monogamy is exceedingly uncommon in the natural world. In fact, with advances in the technology of genetic testing, many of the species previously lauded as being lifelong monogamous, are now known to actually have many sexual encounters outside their seemingly monogamous partnerships. Among mammals, only a very few species live in seemingly monogamous arrangements, and fewer still maintain sexual fidelity within those relationships. Man certainly does not seem to be one of them. There is increasing evidence that many men are not biologically or psychologically disposed to sexual monogamy.

I find it interesting that monogamy and sexual fidelity are not one and the same, for animals and for possibly for human as well.

In closing I think if over half of divorces occur because of infidelity and one in 25 dads unknowingly raise children that they didn’t father then that is cause to rethink some things.

Done.

MrMary

What taboo topic should i run my mouth about next?

MrMary Reflects || Geishas, Monogamy & Infidelity II

DISCLAIMER: I just wanted to state emphatically before I continue that I am not against monogamy at all. I am in a monogamous relationship myself and have been for a while. What I am doing is raising questions nothing more nothing less. 

Monogamy in Chimps

In college Bio I read something like this statement taken from the wiki on monogamous pairings in animals: “In species where the young are particularly vulnerable and may benefit from protection by both parents, monogamy may be an optimal strategy.” This idea that monogamy is an evolutionary strategy got me thinking. Our post-literate technocratic society is very different from the wilds of the Serengeti Plains, so then is monogamy the still an ideal strategy?

Talking about monogamy today is like sailing through the Symplegades, those clashing rocks Odysseus and crew meet on their legendary peregrinations. There are so many knee-jerk reactions as opposed to thought out responses. I thought with this being the case to look at our closest evolutionary ancestor the chimpanzee. There are many similarities between us and chimps.  For example:

Primatologist have identified temporary monogamous pair-bonds between males and females (bonobos and chimpanzees) that last anywhere from several days to a few weeks, and they call these romantics trysts “consortships.” While these consortship lasts, the couples show all signs of what we know as  “falling in love”. They gaze into each other’s eyes, kiss hold hands and wander off  into the forest to be alone together. When they return to the group the female is often pregnant.

There are more things in common.

1. Mating occurs throughout the year and there is no evidence of a birth season
2. The majority of chimpanzee reproductive behavior is promiscuous
3. Restrictive mating, where the dominant male restricts other males from mating with estrous females
4. Consortship mating, where an adult pair leave the community for several days to weeks

I bring this up because sometimes we tend to forget that we are animals and that a lot of the things we hold to be special and almost sacrosanct like holding hands. gazing into each other’s eyes, and monogamy have a biological and evolutionary basis. As much as we advocate self-restraint and the regulation of sexual desire, statistics show that it’s generally unrealistic.

The divorce rate in America for first marriage, vs second or third marriage

According to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri.

• The divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41% 
• The divorce rate in America for second marriage is 60% 
• The divorce rate in America for third marriage is 73%

Where We Mess Up

I’ve been thinking about some issues that need to be addressed.

Possessiveness

The way I see it, I do not own my significant other. I also do not control her emotions or her sexuality. I cannot get upset if she find some dude walking down the street to be hot. That’s biology. All I can do is articulate what are the boundaries in our relationship and continue to act towards her in such a way that she wants to stay with me of her own volition. If those boundaries are crossed then the actions will have consequences we have discussed and agreed to abide by.

Infidelity

I don’t think we talk enough and at the beginning of our relationships. As a result we have problems with infidelity. Which is worse: someone (man or woman) before getting into a serious relationship saying: “I’m looking for a long-term relationship but I want some flings on the side” or suppressing that need and then sneaking around to fulfill that it? I mean look at the stats, it’s going to happen in 41% marriages, why not be honest at the onset. No one has a gun to your head saying you have to accept anything you don’t want to.

It’s not about Forever

People change over time. Forever is an abstract concept, nothing last forever. Soul-mates are an abstract concept too. When I look at the news everyday, I always find myself wondering if people actually have souls. I don’t know. What I do know is that there is no such thing as a soul mate. If you are lucky you get a mate, for an unknown amount of time.

The Focus of our Happiness

Therapy helped me realize that I made many important life decision with the aim of pleasing and making my parents happy. This is one of the worst fucking things I have ever done. I’ve concluded that each person in the relationship should have themselves as the focus of their happiness. I’m working hard to get the things I want in life that will make me happy. Mrs. Mary empowers me to do so. I in turn empower her to do the same for herself. I support her art work and whatever she needs to get where she needs to go with her career life etc.  I cannot have my happiness dependent on someone else’s happiness. Quite often we have no idea what will satisfy us or make us happiness in life, why should someone pin their happiness on something we don’t know and cannot conceptualize?

Obligation/Settling

No one is under any obligation to do anything for anyone. What I mean to say is that for instance, I take care of my significant other because doing so makes me happy, not because I feel obligated. I’m old school, being able to provide for her is fulfilling. I’ve always tried to do the things that I wanted to do and not the things I was supposed today because I value sincerity. A lot of people get married because they feel obligated to do so. A lot of people give gifts because they feel obligated to do so. I don’t work that way.

I think ultimately what is at the root of many issues with monogamy and marriage is that we neither see ourselves nor accept ourselves for what we are.

What do you think ?

My Blogger in Arms, TarnsZ has written a post similar check it out: Monogamy and Fidelity 

What It’s Like @32 || Sex

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” I dedicate this to all the pretty girls, All the pretty girls, in the world
And the ugly girls too, Cause to me your pretty anyways baby”
~The Old Dirty Bastard

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The Beginning

I remember the first time I had sex.

It was in a hotel near Grand Central Station. My collaborator was beautiful beyond words. She was German from Munchen, blond hair, blue eyes and about 5’11. We had grown close over the last 3 months and it was finally going to happen. Fast forward a few awkward but tense moments later, and I’m there standing face to .. uhm… (face) ? with a Vagina, and in my heart all I could say was: oh my god, oh my god, I’ve seen all your movies… I loved you in Forced Entry!  Not only was I going to have sex. No, no no! I was going have sex with a celebrity; a superstar in her own right as vagina is loved throughout the world.

Youthful Idealism

Seriously, now when I was younger sex was like the ambrosia of Greek myth: it was enticing, mysterious and completely inaccessible.Ten to twelve years later after my first time much has changed about my relationship with sex. Did you know that doggy-style is a gender oppressive and hyper-masculine or heteronormative tool used for the oppression for women? I found that out the hard way, reading late one night when my internet connection wasn’t fast enough for me to get any, from myself of course because that’s what marriage is long stretches of rubbing one out with the occasional lackluster participation of a second party.

When I was young I thought sex was fun. It was for me an expression of love (or lust) shared between two people. Turns out sex is the reward in the operant conditioning used to make sure that the garbage gets taken out regularly, and the dishes  are cleaned dried and put away  right after every meal. Sex has fallen from the higher ranks of a pleasure to more plebeian standings. Sex is an ingratiating need. What I thought would stay a wild and untamed descent into hedonism has since become lobotomized and domesticated. The American bedroom is very much so the table in T. S. Eliot’s opening stanza of the Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock:

LET us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherized upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats 
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels

Now @32

Sex @ 32 theoretically, can be amazing still, in much the same way the Mets can be relevant in a discussion about the post-season. When sex is amazing, it’s because it’s happening more often than the return of the Hale-Bop comet and isn’t being used as a tool to crush someone’s soul or get them to pretend they want to be around you.

Now when I am allowed to have sex [and not just because someone has taken pity on me because I’ve been starved like those stray dogs you see on those adopt a pet infomercials late at night] it’s amazing ! (when it happens) Why you ask, because

1. I lock away my self-respect in a mini-storage place
2. I’ve Accumulated enough sick days at work so I can fuck without worrying about tomorrow
3. I do a lot of dead-lifts in the gym
4. I know my body has changed

Oh you didn’t know?

A man’s body goes through changes in his thirties while I still work out and am active I am not the same athlete I used to be in my early 20’s. I need to expend more energy to produce at the same rate as I used to before. Compare a veteran Kobe Bryant to rookie Kobe Bryant. For Kobe to play  as a rookie now it would require him to expend more energy. But injuries and playing so hard so often has taken a toll, so he plays smarter. So with changes in body come changes in mind set. My current mind-set is to remove my mind from it completely, let biology do it’s thing

Human beings tend to think that because of our advanced technology we are not animals. We like to think that we have subjugated that animalistic part of ourselves. Until you throw in some drinks, a long weekend, and a long drive anywhere and all shit breaks loose figuratively ( or literally if that your fetish).

When I have sex I put all that reading, and political discourse aside, and let biology take its course which means I am trying to recreate with my lady friend the ambiance of sybaritic revelry and orifice plundering that got the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah destroyed. If I don’t feel a ting of shame, or embarrassment, or soreness, or the want to take a shower, eat a Steak burrito from Chipotle, and seek forgiveness then I wasn’t true to myself.

Finally

 

But it’s not all savagery, nature is compassionate too and completely indifferent at times. Sometimes the best part of sex is the talking afterwards. Other times the best part of sex is thinking about the next time you get it which will be on your bday 6 months away, while you really enjoy a sandwich.

So what’s sex like at @32?

Let me give you an analogy

In chemistry the more stable a compound becomes, the less reactive it is. Chlorine is very reactive it was used as a weapon in WW2. It can react with almost any other element out there and form something. You put it together with Sodium which isn’t so reactive unless it’s in pure H2O and you get table salt. And that sums up sex at 32 in a committed relationship. Sure I’m not as volatile, I am not running nude through the streets of Bensonhurt, or on the E train with my pants unbuckled looking for trouble (long fucking story, my date thought she could issue a dare that I would back down from that didn’t involve me losing my life). I’m table salt now, with the memory of what it used to be like as a chlorine.

I will never be as active as I once was but stability counts for something right? I have been table salt now longer than I was a chlorine looking to start some shit. And as much as I like it, it’s not my true nature. So finally sex is a metaphysical punishment: it feels great, but reminds of the freedom I used to have, while at the same time, making me realize how I couldn’t handle that much freedom if it was returned to me.

For no Reason

 

 

 

MrMary Responds || America Not One of the 12 Most Sexually Satisfied Countries (1)

The 12 Most Sexually Satisfied Countries

Americans could learn a thing or two from the ways people get it on in foreign lands.

In any event, one thing remains certain. Americans are having a lot less sex than our friends overseas. Studies show people in other countries have up to  70 times more sex than we do. Indeed, Americans are only about  48 percent sexually satisfied. So how is sexual satisfaction measured? According to  Durex global research, the drivers include: mutual love and respect between partners; freedom from stress; ability to orgasm; freedom from sexual dysfunction; good mental and physical health; and frequency of sex and foreplay. Oh… and having an exciting sex life! A 2014 study revealed that socio-economic status also impacted levels of sexual satisfaction.

After sifting through all the wacky data and numerous studies out there, AlterNet has formulated a list of countries that consistently rate among the most sexually satisfied, in no particular order. It’s time to reignite our nation’s prowess… in the bedroom.

The 12 Countries

1. Switzerland
2. Spain
3. Italy
4. Brazil
5. Greece
6. The Netherlands
7. Mexico
8. India
9. Australia
10. Nigeria
11. Germany
12. China

 

It Actually Makes Sense

You see the people their didn’t consider one key thing:maybe due to years of prude behaviours and repressed feelings we only get off when we see other people suffering, and have no respect for ourselves or the people we bring into our bedroom. How else could you explain Spring Break ?

The again you have people working more hours for less pay so of course you can’t fuck happily if you are over worked and broke. Context is everything with that last statement as I have met women who have been broke and over-worked but that just because they go drunk at a frat-party. But consensual bludgeoning aside, for Americans as a whole, the length of a typical work-week hasn’t changed much in years. But for many middle-class workers, job obligations are creeping into free time and family time. For low-income workers, hours have declined due to a shrinking job market, causing underemployment. Either your working too much or too little.

Just looking at these graphs makes me flaccid, which is pretty amazing being that I am research I see graphs all fucking day. (Uhm I am not sporting an erection while I write this though the wording may seem to indicate so)

The Silver Lining

I think this is good for America though. First off we have become after the cold War a factory for producing people allergic to Wheat Glutten and Peanut Butter. I wonder how can we keep up our neo-colonial empire when huge swaths of our nation can be decimated with peanut butter and jelly sammich? I say the less we enjoy life the better. Imagine enough people start enjoying life they will want to have more personal times with their families. This may lead to reading or talking to their neighbours. Eventually people will get ideas: like they are entitled to fair wages, or that we should invest in ourselves instead of investing in War overseas and letting I veterans die from PTSD complication.

While I do not expect America to change in my life time, I do imagine that flights to Brazil and Australia to get more affordable as I go into my 40’s

 

 

Satire || To Those Getting Married on Valentine’s 2014

Marriage is a wonderful thing!

Just think of how, as the years go by, you both will grow closer to each other, especially if either of you is American.

More than most other nationalities I’ve come into contact with, Americans seem to have the bizarre ability to gain  ponderous amount weight rather quickly. You may be surprised but in the parts of America (historically below the Mason Dixon line) you can estimate the number of years a couple has been married by counting the cracks on the box spring’s centre beam.

But moving on, while nothing says love like being caught in the gravitational field of your significant other, this is not what I am here to talk about. I’m here to help you (those of your getting married on Valentine’s Day) navigate the treacherous waters you are swimming through the next four weeks.

Here are 4 things you need realize and internalize, and accept  to make your marriage work:

You’re Going to Lose Yourself

In chemistry, the greater the stability of a molecule, the less reactive it is. Marriage as everyone says stabilizes you. While everyone says that your spouse is your anchor, what they don’t give you is proper context. Your spouse is your anchor in much the same fashion as cement shoes are an anchors for an enemy of the Mafia in the East River. If you make it past the two year mark you will find that you’ve lost yourself. You have no idea who you are or what you want from life. Your happy hour will be those 30 minutes you spend every morning in front of the mirror wishing your belt was longer and the shower rod was strong enough to support your weight.

It will be I, it will be the silence, where I am, I don’t know, I’ll never know, in the silence you don’t know, you must go on, I can’t go on, I’ll go on.  – Samuel Beckett, Waiting for Godot

Loving someone has nothing to do with being good sexual matches

As your relationship progresses in time, many of you will notice that your spouse (male or female) has  come to have the same need for sex as that cabbage you have in the back of your fridge your parents in law left there when they came over to make soup for you but got side-lined by reality: fuck soup in the dead of Summer. You will rediscover the beauty of platonic relationships one KY jelly filled latex glove at a time

Irony

It’s amazing! As you progress through you profession you will find out that you have becomes more articulate, over the years. You may be able to manage a whole department of people, make executive decision that may cost or make your company millions of dollars but you cannot decide what to have for dinner and you cannot communicate about daily. It’s the tragic sense of irony that ultimately deals the last blow to life. What was once the paragon of animals, and in form and moving like a God will because naught but the quintessence of dust.

Conclusions

Good Luck !!! and ….