Random Thoughts || Questions for my Female Readers

Hey Ladies!

I need your help.

Since my last female friend got pregnant with her third child and moved away to Europe, I find myself without a female friend. I’ve found that it’s much more difficult to make female friends now than in college. I don’t know what happened between college and the present day. A lot has changed.

VikingShipFor example, certain women think saying “hello” means “I want to go deep inside of you”. It’s completely unfathomable that one would just want to talk with another human being who just so happens to have a vagina. These same women often times feel that every dude is a closeted rapist just waiting for the chance to coerce a woman into sexual situations. My favorite though is the one I heard at a bar not to long ago. It seems that drinking beers while watching a UFC pay-per-view is the precursor to taking the old Gokstad replica ship out of the garage and mount a small highly trained army to pillage the West Coast of England.

I know what many of you will say: “Not all women are like that, every man has an inner rapists inside of them, and that the Vikings would probably want to raid northern Ireland more than the West coast of England. The truth of the matter is that for all our talk about femininity and masculinity we have, I feel at least made it hard to simply befriend one another.

To be fair, on a whole I find it’s much harder to make friends now than before. It is hard to related to guys nowadays. My college and high school friends are becoming more and more important as the years go by. This quote summarizes things quite nicely

When men hit their 30s, many cling to their high school and college friends. And if these don’t last, men have a hard time forming new friendships. I’m not talking about work-out partners and neighbors you pound a few beers with while ribs are grilling, I’m talking about confidants. People who you are willing to share your innermost self to because you feel it will be valued and accepted (regardless of what evils lurk there). 

I was thinking about the number of confidants I have today, versus a good 10 years ago and they are more or less the same people. The difference now is that none of them are female. So ladies I have some questions for you:

  1. How many confidants do you have as friends?
  2. Do you hang on to a core group of friends or do you continue to make new friends into your 30’s ?
  3. Do you find it difficult to make male friends?
  4. Is it even possible to have platonic male friends?

Satire || To Those Getting Married on Valentine’s 2014

Marriage is a wonderful thing!

bride-groom-cakeJust think of how, as the years go by, you both will grow closer to each other, especially if either of you is American.

More than most other nationalities I’ve come into contact with, Americans seem to have the bizarre ability to gain  ponderous amount weight rather quickly. You may be surprised but in the parts of America (historically below the Mason Dixon line) you can estimate the number of years a couple has been married by counting the cracks on the box spring’s centre beam.

imagesBut moving on, while nothing says love like being caught in the gravitational field of your significant other, this is not what I am here to talk about. I’m here to help you (those of your getting married on Valentine’s Day) navigate the treacherous waters you are swimming through the next four weeks.

Here are 4 things you need realize and internalize, and accept  to make your marriage work:

You’re Going to Lose Yourself

In chemistry, the greater the stability of a molecule, the less reactive it is. Marriage as everyone says stabilizes you. While everyone says that your spouse is your anchor, what they don’t give you is proper context. Your spouse is your anchor in much the same fashion as cement shoes are an anchors for an enemy of the Mafia in the East River. If you make it past the two year mark you will find that you’ve lost yourself. You have no idea who you are or what you want from life. Your happy hour will be those 30 minutes you spend every morning in front of the mirror wishing your belt was longer and the shower rod was strong enough to support your weight.

It will be I, it will be the silence, where I am, I don’t know, I’ll never know, in the silence you don’t know, you must go on, I can’t go on, I’ll go on.  – Samuel Beckett, Waiting for Godot

Loving someone has nothing to do with being good sexual matches

As your relationship progresses in time, many of you will notice that your spouse (male or female) has  come to have the same need for sex as that cabbage you have in the back of your fridge your parents in law left there when they came over to make soup for you but got side-lined by reality: fuck soup in the dead of Summer. You will rediscover the beauty of platonic relationships one KY jelly filled latex glove at a time


It’s amazing! As you progress through you profession you will find out that you have becomes more articulate, over the years. You may be able to manage a whole department of people, make executive decision that may cost or make your company millions of dollars but you cannot decide what to have for dinner and you cannot communicate about daily. It’s the tragic sense of irony that ultimately deals the last blow to life. What was once the paragon of animals, and in form and moving like a God will because naught but the quintessence of dust.



Good Luck !!! and ….