download (3)

A Week of Humorous Reflections about Relationships: Day 2 The Origins of Marriage


Please remember that this is a HUMOROUS reflection 
 

Marriage as is practiced, is a colossal failure. If the Saturn V rocket had a 50% success rate NASA would have scrapped them all for something better the same way Madonna does her husbands. I think if marriage was updated it could work really well. Marriage is first a contract, it is a love affair though it might start that way. Let me break it down for you:

download (3)

For most of human history marriage was considered too serious a matter to be based on such a fragile emotion (love). “If love could grow out of it, that was wonderful,” said Stephanie Coontz, author of Marriage, a History. “But that was gravy.” In fact, love and marriage were once widely regarded as incompatible with one another. In the 12th and 13th centuries, the European aristocracy viewed extramarital affairs as the highest form of romance, untainted by the gritty realities of daily life. And as late as the 18th century, the French philosopher Montesquieu wrote that any man who was in love with his wife was probably too dull to be loved by another womanOnly in the 17th and 18th centuries, when Enlightenment thinkers pioneered the idea that life was about the pursuit of happiness, did marrying for love became popular.

The Reality

money-heart-4This marrying for love thing happened around the same time as the Industrial Revolution. Fathers were sent far away to work and so began the eternal nag: “You work too much, I never see you”. As a provider my best years (20-30’s) are spent working excessively so that I can: live in a my own home, retire, and provide a nice life to my family. The this is that modern marriages are about the happiness of those provided for not the husband’s. He’s fresh out of luck. If the husband becomes rich and divorces his wife, he has to pay for her to continue living her same lifestyle.

What this means at home

As a dude, the only time some chick worked for your happiness was after the first time you had sex and she decided to keep you around for a relationship. She bought you stuff, pretended to give a fuck about what you liked, paid for your shit. Ultimately after you signed on the dotted like you became her pet. Now her happiness is your burden. At best, you can only be happy indirectly through her happiness. The harder you work to give her “everything” the happier she is (happy wife happy life). Unfortunately you’ve given your best to someone else and there is no on there for you. Chris Rock said it best:

  • See… Relationships are hard, man. For order, for any relationship to work, both people have to be on the same page, both people have to have the same focus, and we all know what that page is. We all know what that focus is. In order for the relationship to work both people have to have the same focus, and what’s that focus? That focus is all about HER! It’s all about her! Fellas, when you wake up in the morning, you should look yourself in the mirror and say, “FUCK YOU! Fuck your hopes, fuck your dreams, fuck your plans … fuck everything you thought this life was going to bring to you. Now let’s go out there and try to make this bitch happy.” 

It’s All About Her

I will illustrate with examples of course taken from this bullshit article: 50 Ways to Make Your Husband Happy.

Plan a vacation. Make arrangements for a romantic vacation, to a destination you know your husband would love to visit. 

How about you pay for it, plan it, make the arrangements and I just show up in stupid hat, aviator glasses, sandals and a flask full of vodka and you stay home.  Booking a joint vacation means you are as much a part of this as he is. Just because you pick the place doesn’t mean shit, unless you let him pick the activities. You going on a trip where you aren’t the center of attention for more than a day will bring back all those insecurities you were able to chase away into the night with therapy.Then he has to deal with your crappy mood: “What the matter?”, ” What did I do?”

If a Super Bowl game or something equally popular is coming up, let your husband know he can watch it at home with his mates. Admittedly there will be beer cans and hot dog wrappers to clean up the next day, but your hubby will love your generosity.

The word ‘let’ bothers me So at best he is paying for 50% of the mortgage or the rent. But it is up to your graciousness to let him bring his friends over and watch something he loves ? Compassion should be made of sterner stuff.

Buy a really expensive gift for your husband, like a watch from Cartier or a Bvlgari perfume.

This sounds like bullshit to me, because I can easily see a chick picking out stuff that she feels will make her man look good when he wears it as he accompanies her to some fancy bullshit meeting, he has been guilted into attending.

Recreate your first date and your husband is sure to be happy falling in love with you all over again.

The first date is all about impressing you and getting you to believe that we are not rapist, or psychopaths in the hopes that we can either secure a second date and eventually get laid. So to make me happy I have to take you out to the same fucking place, dress up like I still give a shit, how  like I did back then and also pay for it? How is this supposed to make happy? Are victim happy to go back to their places of sexual abuse, torment, or capture to recreate/relive the scene.

Ask him to share his fantasy with you and see if you can try it out – or at least a part of it. Even if you both end up laughing, your husband will be pleased to know you care about what he wants.

Bullshit! Whatever he tells you will be a sanitized version of a fantasy will keep him outta the dog house. What if his fantasy is to bang your younger hotter sister. Or for you to pick out another chick for him for those 6-8 month stretches where you happen to have a  headache when he petitions you for sex.

Let your husband be at home the next time you want to go Christmas shopping. He will be glad to have escaped the chore and you might have more fun doing it with someone, who enjoys shopping, like your mom or a friend.

How gracious of you to let him decided not to accompany you on some shopping trip. Using emotions and the threat of not putting out to get someone to do what they don’t want is horrible

1969227_249089761940489_1523454453_n

A Week of Humorous Reflections about Relationships: Day 1


Last Saturday night my two best friends and I accompanied by our ladies went to see a movie. Afterwards over dinner we got to talking. This August, one of my friends and his fiancée will move in together. I dropped down some advice  for him that I thought  after 7 years living with MrsMary would save them from committing seppuku or killing each other

A Lie We’ve all Been Fed

sheepliesThe saying is happy wife, happy life: the happier you keep your wife, the happier you will be. Let’s think about that  shall we?  This means that once you are in a husband -wife relationship, as a husband your happiness is not dependant upon you! The saying doesn’t go “having a happy wife will provide you the ambiance where you can better figure out how to achieve what you need to for fulfilment and happiness”. It doesn’t even say having a happy wife is one facet of happiness.

Furthermore if I were to follow the logic of female relationship experts and some feminists, this is quote is chauvinistic and oppressive because ‘a person’s happiness depends only on them.’ As one lady put it: “Therefore it’s up to the women to determine their happiness since it comes from within despite of the loving men in their lives.

We have been fed a lie

A Little experiment

Look at this article: 20 Ways to Make Your Wife Happy. If you type into google: “How to make your wife happy?” it’s the first to come up. What I am going to do is share an excerpt. However I have taken the liberty of substituting Das Führer for the word ‘wife’ to make a point

  • Compliment  Das Führer. Don’t be fake about it, be sincere. If Das Führer goes shopping, ask to see what he bought for himself. Your interest in his shopping purchases shows that you like that he dresses nice for you.

  • If Das Führer has a car, service it for him by taking it to the garage for a scheduled tune-up and oil change.

  • Let Das Führer decide what to watch on TV. Watch whatever He wants to watch, and be interested in the program.

  • Let Das Führer  pick out your clothes and shoes. You will look better, and He will like the way you look too.

  • Don’t be stingy. Spoil Das Führer in anyway you can. Small things can add up, and this can help if He is stuck paying for everything. He can put his money in the bank to save, instead of spending it on things you should pay for.

  • Don’t waste money. This might mean you have to cut back on things you really don’t need, like going out to a bar and buying too many drinks for yourself. Cut back on your consumption of beer, cigarettes, gas, ordering food in a restaurant, coffee house coffee, and whatever else you waste money on.

  • Remember that Das Führer is a person, not your servant. He has an opinion, and He would like you to hear it. Be understanding when you listen to him, and do not interrupt him when He is talking to you.

Nien Nien Nien

This doesn’t work if we (my wife and I are equals). If we are completely equal, why is she denying or controlling my self-expression i.e picking out my clothes, deciding what I should watch, what I should waste money on (especially when 20 pairs of shoes aren’t considered excessive at all). By the way, isn’t the whole points of compliments, that they are earned? I have my errands she has hers. If she is wearing her big girl pants I shouldn’t have to do get her car serviced or all that shit. And while I am on the topic compliments are earned.  BTW, very rarely do women buy dresses for their husbands. According to the women I’ve talked to most of the times your purchases are inspired by the want and pleasure of looking cute and feeling good about yourself. It’s one of the steps of find your inner goddess.

This is why Your guy is that way at home

1969227_249089761940489_1523454453_nThe bottom-line is that for many husbands or guys in long-term relationship, being with you the lady is a job for which there are no sick days or vacations. I can explain a majority of issues couples have with just this.

Look at it this way: there are 168 hours in a week, 40 hours spent at work, 2 hours a day (5 days a week) commuting, 8 hours asleep a day leaving  hours left. This is already 108 hours 64-65% of the week. (I didn’t count showering, shopping for groceries, brushing teeth, punishing the toilet bowl, this is also not counting kids.) So with that 35-15% left of your week, you’re supposed to dictate yourself to the needs of a despot who needs to be fed unearned compliments ? Basically when you commit you become your wife’s or long-term gf’s pet.

He’s on the computer ? Watching TV? He is not giving you the attention you need, when and how you want it? aka slacking on his responsibilities ?  Imagine going from one boss at work to a second boss at home.

Stay tuned for the next blog post where I give you enough pearls of my wisdom to make a pearl necklace. Btw here are some concession

Offering Concessions

I know not all women  are this way, there are some who are enlightened despots and rule with what might appear to be the beginnings of compassion. There are very few which are all around awesome. However this mind-set I am describing here is pervasive. Pervasive enough to be the source for endless jokes, comedy specials and dudes I meet at the bar, trying to get the fuck away from home.

MrMary on Why Homophobia Hurts Heterosexuals & Planet Earth


In today’s world the close-minded believe that sexual preference can be  grouped into two categories: righteous and vile. People like me work to promote equality and celebrate difference. This is one of many stories.”

_________

It’s weird how many heterosexual guys live in fear that something they do or did might appear to others as gay. To give you an example, in my early 20’s I wanted to study Brazilian Jujitsu. An acquaintance of mine at the time pejazzlingadvised against it because grappling with sweaty guys looked “gay”. Turns out there are a lot of things, unbeknownst to me, that were gay: wearing skinny jeans, eating healthy (especially consuming exotic grains like quinoa), pejazzling, and my favorite liking the song Moves Like Jagger.

The main reason I find this weird is that gay men don’t live in fear that they will do something that will appear heterosexual. They don’t for example eat steak, bench-press, squat unless its onto a dick…, or restore old muscle cars and say “no hetero” afterwards. Because masculinity is in crisis and we have no idea how to either define or celebrate it in the current milieu of our global culture, we use all sorts of terms and bigoted behavior to police it. Every guy has one friend who hides to sing Miley Cyrus’s Wrecking Ball because doing it in the company of his male friends is “seriously gay”. The comedian Bill Burr sums it up perfectly in the first three minutes of this following sketch

But there is Hope

Historically human beings are quite selfish in their outlook. If homophobic people only knew there was a benefit to be had in letting go of their homophobia the world will be a better place. I have done copious research on how foregoing homophobia benefits  lives. Here are my most compelling reasons/cases:

Better Sex

“Steve”  loved his girlfriend “Micah” very much but didn’t have the heart to tell her that after being on the receiving end of oral sex his dick would look like a dog’s mangled chew-toy. All that changed when “Steve’s” girlfriend became friends with Derrick, an openly gay coworker at her office at the office Christmas party. Four glasses of champagne into the holiday conversation  Steve’s girlfriend was egregiously armed with tips/instructions. Steve’s friends have barely seen him and the few times they do he looks depleted. Last I heard Steve’s friends were chipping in  together to buy protein powder for him at GNC. Take Home Message: Accepting others and  being open minded enriches our personal relationships

gays more eco-friendly & Advocates of Social Change

Here’s the breakdown:

  • 55 percent of LGBT adults vs. 33 percent of straight adults say they care a lot about green issues
  • 48 vs. 25 percent consider the environment when shopping
  • 45 vs. 27 percent highly value a political candidate’s stance on green issues
  • 25 vs. 17 percent use the environment as a factor when considering a potential employer

Not just with climate change, but gays are more open-minded about supporting social change and upholding civil rights. How can this not be a good thing? Furthermore for me none of the gay people I know try to sell me any religious propaganda.

As opposed to Priests who Fuck Kids, Gay People can make great parents

(This pic is of two gay dads kordalenkaleb raising 3 kids, I think they look like a lovely happy family)

Think of it like this, having kids is a serious decision. You may think that this is common sense but how many children were born because someone on Spring Break was too drunk to pull out and finished in or on the sperm dumpster designated spot. According to a study published in 2011— in 2006, 49% of pregnancies were unintended—a slight increase from 48% in 2001. How many of those unwanted kids find good homes where they will be loved and cared for? Did you know that on any given day, there are approximately 400,000 children in out-of-home care in the United States. During the last year about 650,000 children spent some time in out-of-home care in the United States. In 2011, 11 percent of the children (over 26,000) exiting foster care aged out of the system. Research has shown that teens aging out of the system are highly likely as adults to experience homelessness, poor health, unemployment, incarceration, and other poor outcomes.

The Reality

2012-new-york-city-gay-pride-paradeSeriously now. I believe that what someone does in the privacy of their bedroom is none of my business unless I’ve been given both the invite and OK to be at the front end of the women in an Eiffel Tower, and there is an agreement of no eye contact.

It is a shame that we cannot just accept that not everyone will see the world like us and express themselves in the ways we choose. I am kind of disgusted that we  have to find reasons why we should be nice to or befriend someone who bleeds when they are cut, or feels the pain of hunger when they haven’t eaten or loss when someone they love has past, because of a different sexual orientation. Did we really need scientific studies to tell us that gay and lesbian parents are as fit and capable as heterosexual parents, and that their children are as psychologically healthy and well-adjusted as children reared by heterosexual parents? Granted when I get off the train and I see a guy with angel wings and fury boots in an I love Cock T-shirt ( it has a rooster on it not the word cock)  I giggle a little but that’s because I normally dont see that and the work cock sounds funny to me.

Peace

MrMary

download (1)

What’s It’s Like @32 – Men’s Health


You need a sense of humor to read this
________

Greys in my beard are no longer a shock, neither is taking longer to recover from colds or injuries. There will come however a change in eight years that’ll be of a different order entirely. At the conclusion of the two thousand nine hundred and twenty-one some odd days, my anus will become prized real estate for the medical profession. At 12:01 AM Aug 5th, 2022  it will become that one block in the hood where an away-team of intrepid hipsters have established a center from which to venture forth and colonize all in the name of coffee shops and eccentric fashions.

images2And colonize the doctors will. Something wrong with the ole right eye? Clearly there’s a solution to be found wrist-deep in my rectum. Knee pains ? no better ice-breaker for talking about joint health than spreading your cheeks prison shower style. The colonoscopy was only the first ring in our decent into the Inferno.

The Reality

Growing older is nothing more than accepting increasing amounts of discomfort to fool one’s self into believing that

  1. You will not only live longer but
  2. In a better shape than your corpulent High School classmates on your Facebook’s limited access profile list. You know, the ones with 2-5 horrid, isle of Dr Moreau looking children, and the cackle of  unamused looking wives capable of wielding the most exotic of sex toys, which from a distance look like props for the next tasteless Star Wars installment.

When I was younger  I lifted a lot of weights and ate whatever I wanted (when I could afford to eat). I traded in my copy of Che Guevarra’s Guerrilla Warfare, for Schwarzenegger’s Encyclopedia of Modern Body Building. That was it, that was all that being healthy encompassed for me at 22; lifting heavier weights and not getting AIDS.

Now@32

bagginsWhile neither as muscular nor as lean as before, I’m happy I haven’t gotten an STD. My physique isn’t that bad. I don’t go to the Doctor’s office often mostly because I don’t like to bothered about much anything after I get home. I am content being part of the disposable section of society. Don’t believe young men are disposable? – talk to war veterans of any war (in the USA). You can find a lot of them on the streets ; well that is where they live. Ask them what it was like to fight for one’s country and then abandoned, spit on and forgotten

Here’s the script: We work to pay bills. We take on stress so that our progeny can enjoy all the thing we didn’t in a society with less civil liberties then we had. The best part is that we die early. Hopefully just early enough for the wife to find someone else and for them both to live off what I left.

In my younger days I didn’t include mental psychological and emotional well-being as part of health. It was only when I started working out alone did I notice how important it was at that time to work out with other angry young men. But those days are long gone. All my friends are being crushed under the weight of student-loan debt, and the stress of raising kids and paying mortgages. We have no time now, but in the afterlife hopefully we will.

The only pleasures left are our most primal sex eating and sleeping. The reality is that as long as we are wracked by stress we will never sleep in peace. And food either gives you cancer or makes your progeny autistic or allergic to gluten or both. That leaves only sex.

download (1)As a dude the older I get the more important my genitals becomes. What no one tells you as a child was that for your genitals to work properly, repeatably you need to be ok holistically: mentally physically and psychologically. To much stress and you’ll be half mast at best, too many extra pounds, too much cigarette smoking you will be as flaccid as soft-serve custard from the ice cream truck on an August day. There is a reason why there are all these jokes for old men about getting it up. Its to help prepare them for the slow death of a purposeless existence now that no pleasures are available. You eat pumpkin seeds because of its effect of keeping the male reproductive system healthy. Want to know how healthy you are try getting an erection and having sex with your significant other, providing they are either willing or can be guilted into it.

That’s it!

So the hope of satisfying our single primal urge keeps us from giving up completely. And that’s men’s health @32 trying to eat healthy, work out to slow down the physical ramifications of the inevitable why goading yourself forward with the carrot of sexual activity.

Side Note: Fellas I have thought of starting a blog/magazine dealing with men’s health and issues. I have a lot of info that could be useful and it will be fun I think. Tell me what you think I have the blog already and its all good to go actually. Lemme know watcha think

keep-calm-please-don-t-kill-me

Black History Month 2014 || A Friendly Open Letter to Caucasian Americans


[I was hesitant to publish this post. I did 10 revisions on it. I want to thank my readers for their positive comments and for encouraging me to publish it. This is a reactionary piece, a piece of satire. I love and respect all people, especially female. read about my conflict writing this here.]

My fellow Caucasian-Americans,

I come in Peace!

I come alone and I am not wearing a wire or selling weed. I come with good tidings for the future bearing the gift of friendly language,  a copy of Hustle and Flow, and an offering of peace to start Black History Month 2014!

NGEp115Bullysc410013--1700957356191996463It’s been a while since we talked. Actually we have never talked; we are both too scared of each other. The only time we talk socially is on the television, specifically on past episodes of New Girl. I want to put an end to that. I want to kick-off this Black History Month with the truth. I am not ashamed to admit that you scare me. I am not scared of you on a one on one basis. I’m scared of you as a whole, which is why I memorized a few alternative routes into Canada.

In my defense I inherited my fear of you (plural) from my father who received his from his, who received it from his and so on as far back as 1783 when the first African slaves entered the Island of Haiti. That means that for about 21 generations, the beast under our bed, in our closet, in our heads either looked like your or a relative of yours. (I’m listening to enter the sandman at the moment). The NYPD had something to do with it too but that’s another story.

My father first came to this country, to Memphis Tennessee, three years after the death of MLK in 71 and was frightened. Look at these two pieces of advice used to give me as a young child:

  1. Never hang around or talk to white women. They might accuse you of rape and we have no money to bail you out of jail or pay for lawyers. It will be her words against yours there is no justice for blacks.
  2. If you see a group of white men anywhere and they do not look like they work together or are on the job,or in suits run. My fathers uncle was beaten up in Bushwick Brooklyn by a gang of white guys. Also my my maternal grandmothers brother was beaten up by US Marines who invaded the island to help fix the price of sugar and bananas and stayed to help occupy the island as part of the Banana War initiative.

I totally get that that wasn’t you or your pops. I am not blaming you. The reality is that we are both suffering. As I read through the article Study Shows White People Believe They Experience More Racism Than Black People I started to be able to sympathize with how isolated you must have felt on the other side of town, in the gated communities you live in.

Researchers from Harvard and Tufts University have conducted a surprising study which shows that white people think that much needed racial progress has been made since the 1950s — but at their expense. … white people now believe that the decrease in anti-black racism has led to the rise of anti-white racism. In other words, white people believe that equality has been reached but that this has subjected them to experience more racism than black folk.

article-2547018-1B0346FC00000578-679_306x423

Rodney Bruce Black, 62, of Barboursville, West Virginia was arrested after shooting two of his new neighbors. He only called the police after he killed the two brothers.

All forms of racism are evil. Racism kills people, that tend to look mostly like my extended family, with the exception of Carl and Garrick Hopkins. Authorities claim race had nothing to do with the death of these two brothers (not slang, actual brothers) shot by Rodney Blacks rifle. Their story was a sobering reminder that people don’t kill people, guns kill people. The brothers had made the mistake of inspecting a building on Garrick’s newly purchased piece of land. Black maintains that he thought the Hopkins were breaking into a building on his property. While the land in question did once belonged to Black’s family, it did not at the time of the incident. 

And I think after years of living in fear from the police, and hearing stories that form the basis of my heritage, I am just starting to get that being judged by your skin color is awful. I’m prepared to sit with you at counters at the soul food places that refused to serve you and also boycott airlines where they make some of you sit in the front of the plane, in that tired, oppressive structure called First class.

One of my favorite writers said it best:

We do not talk—we bludgeon one another with facts and theories gleaned from cursory readings of newspapers, magazines and digests. Henry Miller (1891-1980), U.S. author. “The Shadows,” The Air-Conditioned Nightmare (1945)

And that’s a shame. Because of the fact that every WW1, WW2,Vietnam, Korea and Rambo movie had Caucasian actors as the lead. I tended to think you were all a naturally belligerent race. The White on White violence during the turbulent periods of European History didn’t help either. I also never took, service and hospitality jobs in well to do area because the TV and cinematic depictions of colonialism had someone who looked like you stepping on the neck of someone who looked like me in a servants outfit.

keep-calm-please-don-t-kill-meI didn’t have a conversation with a Caucasian women, (unless you count Becky at that 800 number I called back in the day) until freshman physics in college. She was cool, she never blew her rape whistle when I approach to talk in class. I missed out on all of that.

Bottom line we need each other. After the police, miraculously sentient guns, and  mass incarceration kill off enough of us, they will be after your kids and they will start with the poorer of you first. So what do you say we died by each other in enough wars;  do you think we can finally walk together into the future, preferably without me carrying your stuff?