Satire: Dating Difficulties Abound for Local Area Feminist

PARK SLOPE, BROOKLYN – If one word local area feminist Ada Cunningham says describes her and how she’s been feeling as of late, it would be distraught.  This past Thursday night after having waved five separate men over to her table at the local watering hole and eatery to fill out her Consent to Maybe Initiate A Conversation Form (CMIC), Ada couldn’t understand why no one wanted to indulge her. I made the mistake of pointing out that the ‘In Case You Rape Me After This‘ header might turn some men off. However, what was to me baseless castigation to Ada was an unarguable fact. Noticeably louder than before Ada proceeded to enlighten me:  ‘An alarming  majority of women are raped by men they know. No woman ever thinks that their smiling back at a male exhibiting interest could be encouraging a rapist into our space. That’s a scary thought, especially seeing how every man, even those who haven’t raped yet, are rapists. Yes, all men are rapist. The one’s who haven’t done it haven’t been presented the opportunity’. Since conceiving of forms as a way to keep track of who she talks to in the event of a rape, not a single one has been filled out. Ada finds herself alone weekend after weekend and visibly distraught. Moved by the severity of her predicament, I proposed that Ada  walk to the bar with me, where I give the bartender $20 while simultaneously pointing to Ada, telling him that whatever 2 drinks she wants are on me. I instruct Ada that she must at her discretion, first go to the bar while I walk back to our table, then chose her drinks in order to finally see them made in front of her eyes. This ensures no date rape drug conveniently finds its way into her drink. To my surprise, my following to the letter, the instructions for how to make a woman feel safe when buying her a drink, Section II of her CMIC’s Supplementary Information Section, changed Ada’s demeanor. Days later she called me to tell me that she had updated that header I commented on  to “In Case You Chose To Rape Me After This”.


And if the professional rapist is to be separated from the
average dominant heterosexual (male), 
it may be mainly a quantitative difference.”
– Susan Griffin, “Rape: The All-American Crime”,
Ramparts Magazine, September 1971


A Week of Humorous Reflections about Relationships: Day 2 The Origins of Marriage

Please remember that this is a HUMOROUS reflection 

Marriage as is practiced, is a colossal failure. If the Saturn V rocket had a 50% success rate NASA would have scrapped them all for something better the same way Madonna does her husbands. I think if marriage was updated it could work really well. Marriage is first a contract, it is a love affair though it might start that way. Let me break it down for you:

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For most of human history marriage was considered too serious a matter to be based on such a fragile emotion (love). “If love could grow out of it, that was wonderful,” said Stephanie Coontz, author of Marriage, a History. “But that was gravy.” In fact, love and marriage were once widely regarded as incompatible with one another. In the 12th and 13th centuries, the European aristocracy viewed extramarital affairs as the highest form of romance, untainted by the gritty realities of daily life. And as late as the 18th century, the French philosopher Montesquieu wrote that any man who was in love with his wife was probably too dull to be loved by another womanOnly in the 17th and 18th centuries, when Enlightenment thinkers pioneered the idea that life was about the pursuit of happiness, did marrying for love became popular.

The Reality

money-heart-4This marrying for love thing happened around the same time as the Industrial Revolution. Fathers were sent far away to work and so began the eternal nag: “You work too much, I never see you”. As a provider my best years (20-30’s) are spent working excessively so that I can: live in a my own home, retire, and provide a nice life to my family. The this is that modern marriages are about the happiness of those provided for not the husband’s. He’s fresh out of luck. If the husband becomes rich and divorces his wife, he has to pay for her to continue living her same lifestyle.

What this means at home

As a dude, the only time some chick worked for your happiness was after the first time you had sex and she decided to keep you around for a relationship. She bought you stuff, pretended to give a fuck about what you liked, paid for your shit. Ultimately after you signed on the dotted like you became her pet. Now her happiness is your burden. At best, you can only be happy indirectly through her happiness. The harder you work to give her “everything” the happier she is (happy wife happy life). Unfortunately you’ve given your best to someone else and there is no on there for you. Chris Rock said it best:

  • See… Relationships are hard, man. For order, for any relationship to work, both people have to be on the same page, both people have to have the same focus, and we all know what that page is. We all know what that focus is. In order for the relationship to work both people have to have the same focus, and what’s that focus? That focus is all about HER! It’s all about her! Fellas, when you wake up in the morning, you should look yourself in the mirror and say, “FUCK YOU! Fuck your hopes, fuck your dreams, fuck your plans … fuck everything you thought this life was going to bring to you. Now let’s go out there and try to make this bitch happy.” 

It’s All About Her

I will illustrate with examples of course taken from this bullshit article: 50 Ways to Make Your Husband Happy.

Plan a vacation. Make arrangements for a romantic vacation, to a destination you know your husband would love to visit. 

How about you pay for it, plan it, make the arrangements and I just show up in stupid hat, aviator glasses, sandals and a flask full of vodka and you stay home.  Booking a joint vacation means you are as much a part of this as he is. Just because you pick the place doesn’t mean shit, unless you let him pick the activities. You going on a trip where you aren’t the center of attention for more than a day will bring back all those insecurities you were able to chase away into the night with therapy.Then he has to deal with your crappy mood: “What the matter?”, ” What did I do?”

If a Super Bowl game or something equally popular is coming up, let your husband know he can watch it at home with his mates. Admittedly there will be beer cans and hot dog wrappers to clean up the next day, but your hubby will love your generosity.

The word ‘let’ bothers me So at best he is paying for 50% of the mortgage or the rent. But it is up to your graciousness to let him bring his friends over and watch something he loves ? Compassion should be made of sterner stuff.

Buy a really expensive gift for your husband, like a watch from Cartier or a Bvlgari perfume.

This sounds like bullshit to me, because I can easily see a chick picking out stuff that she feels will make her man look good when he wears it as he accompanies her to some fancy bullshit meeting, he has been guilted into attending.

Recreate your first date and your husband is sure to be happy falling in love with you all over again.

The first date is all about impressing you and getting you to believe that we are not rapist, or psychopaths in the hopes that we can either secure a second date and eventually get laid. So to make me happy I have to take you out to the same fucking place, dress up like I still give a shit, how  like I did back then and also pay for it? How is this supposed to make happy? Are victim happy to go back to their places of sexual abuse, torment, or capture to recreate/relive the scene.

Ask him to share his fantasy with you and see if you can try it out – or at least a part of it. Even if you both end up laughing, your husband will be pleased to know you care about what he wants.

Bullshit! Whatever he tells you will be a sanitized version of a fantasy will keep him outta the dog house. What if his fantasy is to bang your younger hotter sister. Or for you to pick out another chick for him for those 6-8 month stretches where you happen to have a  headache when he petitions you for sex.

Let your husband be at home the next time you want to go Christmas shopping. He will be glad to have escaped the chore and you might have more fun doing it with someone, who enjoys shopping, like your mom or a friend.

How gracious of you to let him decided not to accompany you on some shopping trip. Using emotions and the threat of not putting out to get someone to do what they don’t want is horrible