What It’s Like @32 || Drinking and growing up

While for many it’s an abstract word, salvation for me was something tangible. From 1999 to about 2006 salvation was the sense of euphoria that washed over me nine to twelve beers into the night. During those youthful days I drank and performed sexually as if I had something to prove. Friday Nights revolved around pounding shot, after shot, after shot. Then of course after I’d finish, I’d shower and then go for some drinks. There was no drink too foul, no dare to egregious.

Back in the Day

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There were no drinking games. There was just this need to yank myself away from the uniformity of life either with friends or solitarily. Alcohol sublimated the emotional and psychological pain I felt. It quieted my general misanthropy. It wasn’t too long before being yanked out of mind and body I fell in love with this new sense of levity. While under the influence I could be extremely amorous, however more often than not I drank alone in complete silence lost in thought.

My alcohol tolerance then was legendary, as were my antics. There was nudity, screaming hollering and hysterical jokes. In one instance if not for my friend’s fast-thinking I would have gotten arrested for disturbing the peace. Alcohol was basically an accelerant. Depending on where I was in my oscillations between the extremes of depression and mania, it push me towards whichever extreme I was closest. Sobering up was the worst, not just because of the hangover but I could feel the shackles on again. Gone was that sense of levity. Gone was the euphoria. and there was a pervasive chagrin in their stead.

Now @32

guinness_0Now I am not in the same place. The pain is there and real, but I am older and more mature. I have other healthier ways of dealing with it. Every now and then I go to a pub and sit there and drink, make conversation with strangers and  the usual 3-5 pints of Guinness and 2 shots of Jameson. I usually drink at home once a week, and I end up playing  some songs steeped in nostalgia. I sing out loud off key to annoy MrsMary who eventually joins in because I’m that irritating. games of Wii tennis are played.

But you know what I’ve noticed the most?

There is a significant change in energy. Robert Bly in his Iron John has said of adolescence that” It [adolescence] is the time of risk-taking for boys, and that risk taking is also a yearning for initiation.”  In what we would call traditional societies adolescence is the time where the older men of the tribe or community take the young males and initiate them into adulthood. One of the failures of our society is the lack of initiation of adolescent boys into men. I think the prevalence of gangs, and gang culture is a testimony to that. With no one there  young men initiate each other into their gangs and you see the result in the news.

This is one of the major themes of Kerouac’s On the Road. With no one there for Sal or Dean, what do they do ? They go on the road, it is an act of defiance and rebellion.


According to Kingsley Widmer’s The Literary Rebel, “to take to the road is initiation ritual and educational foray, as well as a rebellion against the given circum­stances”. Taking to the road in Kerouac’s novel is both escaping and returning, or circling and criss-crossing the continent, “leaving con­fusion and nonsense behind and performing our one and noble function of the time, move” 

“We gotta go and never stop going till we get there.”
“Where are we going, man?”
“I don’t know but we gotta go.”  

The saddest part about on the road is that they do not have a clear site of the goal and often return again to how they were. The book ends as it begins with Sal thinking about Dean Moriarity. Look at the last paragraph of on the Road:

“So in America when the sun goes down and I sit on the old broken-down river pier watching the long, long skies over New Jersey and sense all that raw land that rolls in one unbelievable huge bulge over to the West Coast, and all that road going, and all the people dreaming in the immensity of it, and in Iowa I know by now the children must be crying in the land where they let the children cry, and tonight the stars’ll be out, and don’t you know that God is Pooh Bear? the evening star must be drooping and shedding her sparkler dims on the prairie, which is just before the coming of complete night that blesses the earth, darkens all the rivers, cups the peaks and folds the final shore in, and nobody, nobody knows what’s going to happen to anybody besides the forlorn rags of growing old, I think of Dean Moriarty, I even think of Old Dean Moriarty the father we never found, I think of Dean Moriarty.”

Adolescence some have argued continues on nowadays til 25 and I can looking at my life, vouch for that. Things are very different now. Thirty-two feels very different from 25. The craziness has died down a lot, and I found my own “initiation into society”. It still peaks out  here and there, but for the most part unless I am in Vegas or  celebrating something I feel much more stable.


My Lady is 10 Weeks Pregnant: A Guy’s Sarcastic Journey (1)

bukowskiYou lose what individualism you have, if you have enough of course, you retain some of it, but most dont have enough, so they become watchers of game shows, y’know, things like that. Then you work the 8 hour job with almost a feeling of goodness, like you’re doing something, and you get married, like marriage is a victory and you have children like having children is a victory, but most things people do are a total grind, marriage, birth, children, it’s something they HAVE to do because they have nothing else to do. There is no glory in it, no esteem, no fire, their lives are flat and the earth is full of them. Sorry, but thats the way I see it. I could not accept the snail’s pace 8-5, Johnnie Carson, merry christmas, happy new year, to me it’s the sickest of all sick things.

~Charles Bukowski

You Know It’s Love

I know it’s love when you realize that this baby will effectively cock-block you for the next 5-8 years, put you in debt, and make you wished sometimes that you pulled out 5 minutes earlier than you did, and still be happy.  I have opinions on everything many of them are fucking crazy and pregnancy is no different. I am going to take you along part of y journey as my lady swells up and takes her frustration out on me, and all the nurses in the hospital and staff completely ignore me although I am the father of this kid and I accompany the lady on every fucking appointment. But let me begin at the beginning.

The Beginning

indexI do not think getting a woman pregnant or raising kids is a meritorious thing, animals in the wild do that.  I do not think being married is an accomplishment either Britney Spears got married. I’m not saying she is an animal, I’m just saying that some animals rut for longer than she was married. Actually I will go on record and saying that one of the biggest mistakes we make is to think because we are born human we are Human. Notice the difference between the common noun human and the proper noun HUMAN. The common noun deal with out biology, we are of the species Homo Sapien Sapien. However we on a whole if you look at our history do not live as Human Beings. To me we aspire in how we live and treat each other to walk the path from human to Human.

Celine said it the best to me at least:

” so many vaginas, stomachs, cocks, snouts, and flies you don’t know what to do with them … shovelsfull! … but hearts? … very rare! in the last five hundred million years too many cocks and gastric tubes to count … but hearts? … on your fingers! …”

I would like to raise a child, not a mindless animal who assumes that because  they use really expensive whitening toothpaste, got a degree from some famous school that pushes out effete passive excuses for human beings and gets discounted electronics made by children their own age who throw themselves from roofs when they can’t take it any more, that they are a human being. If that is a human being then I relinquish that title. Like I said strong crazy opinions.

This Doesn’t Mean I’m not Happy

This is my ecstatic face, once I take it off Nick Cages Face
This is my ecstatic face, once I take it off Nick Cages Face

Au contraire, I’m really happy  I’m quite fucking ecstatic and somehow I am willing to put up with bullshit, and look past shit I normally might curse to the heavens about. Its pretty cool to see how in 10 weeks just the minor changes in things. Anyway, I thought I’d share my thoughts and observations along the way without the sentimentality and bullshit of the other blogs that have come to define that genre of blogs. I wont be placing or recommending any products. I won’t be sharing any of that joyous I creamed my pants when the crib came with that musical mobile filled with ducks and air planes and things that would cause an aviation disaster.

I will tell you what its like to heart a heart beating in a large room, where every corner is empty yet filled with the primal sounds of life, etc stuff like that .

That’s it