What’s It’s Like @32 – Men’s Health

You need a sense of humor to read this

Greys in my beard are no longer a shock, neither is taking longer to recover from colds or injuries. There will come however a change in eight years that’ll be of a different order entirely. At the conclusion of the two thousand nine hundred and twenty-one some odd days, my anus will become prized real estate for the medical profession. At 12:01 AM Aug 5th, 2022  it will become that one block in the hood where an away-team of intrepid hipsters have established a center from which to venture forth and colonize all in the name of coffee shops and eccentric fashions.

images2And colonize the doctors will. Something wrong with the ole right eye? Clearly there’s a solution to be found wrist-deep in my rectum. Knee pains ? no better ice-breaker for talking about joint health than spreading your cheeks prison shower style. The colonoscopy was only the first ring in our decent into the Inferno.

The Reality

Growing older is nothing more than accepting increasing amounts of discomfort to fool one’s self into believing that

  1. You will not only live longer but
  2. In a better shape than your corpulent High School classmates on your Facebook’s limited access profile list. You know, the ones with 2-5 horrid, isle of Dr Moreau looking children, and the cackle of  unamused looking wives capable of wielding the most exotic of sex toys, which from a distance look like props for the next tasteless Star Wars installment.

When I was younger  I lifted a lot of weights and ate whatever I wanted (when I could afford to eat). I traded in my copy of Che Guevarra’s Guerrilla Warfare, for Schwarzenegger’s Encyclopedia of Modern Body Building. That was it, that was all that being healthy encompassed for me at 22; lifting heavier weights and not getting AIDS.


bagginsWhile neither as muscular nor as lean as before, I’m happy I haven’t gotten an STD. My physique isn’t that bad. I don’t go to the Doctor’s office often mostly because I don’t like to bothered about much anything after I get home. I am content being part of the disposable section of society. Don’t believe young men are disposable? – talk to war veterans of any war (in the USA). You can find a lot of them on the streets ; well that is where they live. Ask them what it was like to fight for one’s country and then abandoned, spit on and forgotten

Here’s the script: We work to pay bills. We take on stress so that our progeny can enjoy all the thing we didn’t in a society with less civil liberties then we had. The best part is that we die early. Hopefully just early enough for the wife to find someone else and for them both to live off what I left.

In my younger days I didn’t include mental psychological and emotional well-being as part of health. It was only when I started working out alone did I notice how important it was at that time to work out with other angry young men. But those days are long gone. All my friends are being crushed under the weight of student-loan debt, and the stress of raising kids and paying mortgages. We have no time now, but in the afterlife hopefully we will.

The only pleasures left are our most primal sex eating and sleeping. The reality is that as long as we are wracked by stress we will never sleep in peace. And food either gives you cancer or makes your progeny autistic or allergic to gluten or both. That leaves only sex.

download (1)As a dude the older I get the more important my genitals becomes. What no one tells you as a child was that for your genitals to work properly, repeatably you need to be ok holistically: mentally physically and psychologically. To much stress and you’ll be half mast at best, too many extra pounds, too much cigarette smoking you will be as flaccid as soft-serve custard from the ice cream truck on an August day. There is a reason why there are all these jokes for old men about getting it up. Its to help prepare them for the slow death of a purposeless existence now that no pleasures are available. You eat pumpkin seeds because of its effect of keeping the male reproductive system healthy. Want to know how healthy you are try getting an erection and having sex with your significant other, providing they are either willing or can be guilted into it.

That’s it!

So the hope of satisfying our single primal urge keeps us from giving up completely. And that’s men’s health @32 trying to eat healthy, work out to slow down the physical ramifications of the inevitable why goading yourself forward with the carrot of sexual activity.

Side Note: Fellas I have thought of starting a blog/magazine dealing with men’s health and issues. I have a lot of info that could be useful and it will be fun I think. Tell me what you think I have the blog already and its all good to go actually. Lemme know watcha think

MrMary Tackles Men’s Health for Movember ||Things that Will Improve your Health #2 – Doctor Visits


Men die at higher rates than women for all of the top 10 causes of death.

Hey Fellas,

Without health there is not much you can do. One rule which has proven itself time and time again is that all the money in the world is for naught if you are in poor health. If you are unwell:

  • Who will wash the dishes after dinner ?
  • Who will family, friends and spouse turn to, to ask for money ?
  • Who is going to shit on your personal dream w/ every outrageous demand and nag ?

Wait. hmmm

annieAs attractive as that bit of cynicism may sound let’s be honest: being sick fucking sucks. There is no greater embarrassment than being in the hospital with tubes poking into you and having a ham-fisted nurse with a grip that should have given her a career in equestrian porn ,clean your nether regions. Or can you imagine, every time you are awake being in so much pain that you have to take these amazing pain-killers than reduce you to a vegetable hanging around  what used to be your living room.

But you know, I’m not a motivational speaker. I’m not going to dress it up and put a little bonnet on it (unless my lady says yes and I have to wear a condom. So let’s get to it!

Why Don’t Guys Like Going to the Hospital

Nothing reminds one of their mortality more than some pencil neck fuck throwing big words at you like your dumb, half dressed in a gown that is every Catholic priests dream in that it exposes your backside to attack.  We have to really look at these attitudes of recalcitrance (“toughing it out”,”I don’t have time, I’m fine, It doesn’t hurt too much). They do not happen in  vacuum. We have to admit that this attitude is feed by social attitudes and practices. I think we have to re-analyse what we messages we feed to the male population in its entirety about their worth and how they are to act social, when it comes to their self image, worth and health.

Bottom Line:

2013-09-26_11.38.32There are many diseases and ailments that do not have many outward signs in their early stages. Being proactive can help address these issues before they grow in size and become unstoppable. There are many simple things you can do right now to better your health, that will give many positive returns in your future. I think our responsibility to our loved ones requires we take our health seriously. Unless you a fucking doctor you should shut the fuck up and get that fat doughy ass to the doctors.

I’ll be making an appointment within a week as I havent been to a doctors in about two years, granted my father is a doctor and I consult with him very often but its nice to have a real appointment. So join me

Cya soon