Responding to a comment || Why I feel Marriage Fail as Much as they Do


I got this comment on my post MrMary Sarcastically Responds || 21 Ways You Do Not Want To Be Proposed To from Asklotta:

Let me tell you exactly why people get married with a 50% success rate…Because no one on their death bed said, I wish I was more selfish, I wish I had more me time, I wish I didn’t have family that loved me,…AND trust me on this one, they never said I wish I didn’t love as much as I did.

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This comment made me think of a quote that my grandfather was fond of saying: “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.” I believe that every human being has a want and need to be self-less. Every human beings wants to love someone with all their heart, and in turn feel that they are completely loved by another. I believe that with all my heart. But what I have sat up late thinking about is how we go about achieving these goals.

My opinion is that we need to look at the vehicles through which we express our love for those near to and far from our hearts. One of the things I have criticized a lot has been marriage. Marriage is one institution through which we can express our love and selflessness. Joking aside, I believe that it is a beautiful thing when it works between mature adults. The key word is mature.

The_Wounded_Angel_-_Hugo_Simberg-707When I look out at the world I fail to see mature individuals male or female. I can say at least in the USA, our society isn’t producing mature individuals. By mature here, I do not mean able to do their own laundry, balance a check book and read the Sunday New York Times. By mature I mean in the psychological sense. Have we confronted our woundedness from past hurts? Do inferiority complexes color the vision of the world around us?

Each one of us is wounded, much more so then we would like to admit. There are many tell-tale signs that we are still ruled by past hurts. Look at for example our destructive environmental policies. Let’s also add to the mix our practice of mass incarceration and surveillance as well as our international record of belligerence.

About five years ago in the Bronx, I had a Marine break down into tears while talking to me about his experiences in war,. He felt without a place in society, no one cared about him or his PTSD, who was there to help him cope ? He’s is not the only case. Almost every generation since the beginning of this country;s history has been privy to war. (WW1, WW2, Vietnam, Korea, Persian Gulf War , Iraq War, Afghanistan War, Mexican American War to name a few.) How many immigrants in this nation of immigrants came here fleeing persecution? What happens when these people lay down roots and start a family ? How stable are their families? How about the diverse demographics that live in fear of discrimination in our countries? Bottom line is that society is factory skilled in the production of maimed people. Unfortunately two maimed people put together do not equal a whole person.

I advocate cohabitation because it allows us a chance to become aware of our own woundedness. In living with MrsMary for 8 years now I have learned a lot about myself. I have had to go to therapy a few times to help me address the weight of what I carry. I think that the institution of marriage today, should take into account a few things.

  1. The increase rates of depression
  2. The ramifications on families inopportune financial times have
  3. The excessive amount of time spent working
  4. The effects the focus on the nuclear family

ronpyattThere is a point in every relationship where the fairy tales stops. At some point something the other person says or does holds a mirror up to your face. Maybe for the first time you  really see yourself and you don’t like what you see, maybe you see yourself in a recurring awful situation. Whatever the case is, we on a whole are not ready to handle those moments. We’ve spent a life time running from ourselves and our shadow and we are left defenseless when it catches up to us.

Eh I think that’s about it
I’m done ranting and raving

Enjoy!

Thanks to all of you for reading and leaving comments, I really appreciate your sincerity and you making me think

10 thoughts on “Responding to a comment || Why I feel Marriage Fail as Much as they Do

  1. I was just having this conversation at breakfast this morning. My facebook feed is full of baby and wedding photos and not to mean but on many occasions, I have thought to myself that some people should not be allowed to marry/have babies. It all comes down to maturity. Like you said. I completely agree with everything you are saying – about love, cohabitation, maturity etc.

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    1. Hola Mon Amie,

      You reminded me of this quote from Bukowski:

      You lose what individualism you have, if you have enough of course, you retain some of it, but most dont have enough, so they become watchers of game shows, y’know, things like that. Then you work the 8 hour job with almost a feeling of goodness, like you’re doing something, and you get married, like marriage is a victory and you have children like having children is a victory, but most things people do are a total grind, marriage, birth, children, it’s something they HAVE to do because they have nothing else to do. There is no glory in it, no esteem, no fire, their lives are flat and the earth is full of them. Sorry, but thats the way I see it. I could not accept the snail’s pace 8-5, Johnnie Carson, merry christmas, happy new year, to me it’s the sickest of all sick things.”

      It’s really easy to get caught up in the script they beat you over the head with since you are young. Get a good job corner office get married etc. You can go through life without asking yourself “Who’s there, what am I about?, Why do I do the things I do,like the things I like”. I never want to be in a position that I make someone else unhappy because I havent dealt with my shadow, and the past in general.

      thanks for leaving a comment and sorry if i went off on a rant again

      vc

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      1. I love when you rant. Don’t stop on account of me. Good old Bukowski! I completely agree. You don’t have to be perfect, but be honest about the shadows you carry and carry them together as a unit.

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      2. Honesty is up there on things I value.

        I found that I enjoyed my relationships more once the romance fairy-tale part was over. I felt we each got to finally see the real people and that’s when the real work of “relating” started.

        I was reading and ahve read that we tend to find or stay with people who have the qualities we need but are lacking to continue towards individuation. Actually I feel that you cannot be a mature grounded person without a having had a deep intimate relationship. I think without that you never have an opportunity to put ur ego aside and sincerely do something for someone else.

        Its a difficult act to balance to stay true to yourself your life and goals and then sacrifice for another person, but those moments when it happens its really beautiful.

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  2. As an ‘oldie’ I wish I could put the case for marriage, but I can’t. My parents were married for 50 years and pretty much loathed each other. I divorced after 17 years, yet my brother-in-law and his partner never married and they’ve been together for over 30 years. A good friend of mine who is in her 70’s believes every relationship has its use-by-date. I’d like to believe, but the anecdotal evidence all around me is just too strong.

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  3. Amen! You nailed it perfectly about maturity. But why throw-out the baby with the bathwater? Its like a clothing store. Just because some of the clothes aren’t a good fit, it doesn’t make them wrong! But I do know one thing about living together without marriage, it is NOT an insight into marriage. You’re just playing house (trust me) And that is fine if that is all you want…”There are only two options regarding commitment. You’re either IN or you’re OUT. There is no such thing as life in-between.”
    -Pat Riley
    I truly believe, Life/marriage is NOT a spectator sport, it’s a team sport…It’s messy, painful, challenging, showcaseing your strengths and limitations! But it is also filled with much joy! Keep posting, love your ideas/opinions!

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    1. Hola Asklotta,

      Thanks for your comment.

      I don’t think I am throwing out the baby with the bathwater by advocating cohabitation before marriage. That is was works for me personally and isn’t a panacea or something everyone should do. Just an idea I’m throwing out there. Everyone is free to chose what works. However I feel that our cultural institutions are reflective of our society. If our society is compromised of people who are wounded, and it values exploiting others for profit then I should expect that the institutions will bear that same mark. It is up to everyone to find their own way and define marriage or being together in a way that makes sense of them.

      I wanted to ask you if you can explain a little more how living together is playing house or just different from marriage?

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      1. Love, love, love your thought provoking posts! And you are correct, it is so wonderful that we have far more choices regarding lifestyles then 50 years ago! I support any decision that involves love, kindness and respect for all. Do you have an email address I may use to explain the difference between living together and marriage?

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