DISCLAIMER: Jocular is the operative word here: characterized by joking; humorous or playful. Keep in mind that I am joking around here. _____
BEIJING — Chinese authorities in the southern resort island of Hainan have announced a crackdown on nude sunbathers, with loudspeakers and surveillance cameras as well as police patrols being used to deter potential offenders. The official Xinhua news agency reported on Sunday that would-be nudists – usually middle-aged men from China – could be detained for between five and 10 days, depending on the seriousness of the offence. Hainan’s provincial party secretary, Luo Baoming, has said that: “Normal people will not swim or sunbathe naked in a public place. This kind of behaviour is not consistent with China’s cultural traditions”
Diving Right In
The few times I have been naked in public involved excessive consumption of alcohol. I don’t remember much. Did I feel liberated? Did I enjoy the breeze? What does a brief exposure to acid rain do to testicles – will my kids grow a third ear on the back of their heads? (I hope they do because I hate repeating myself).
This article caught my attention because it highlighted
- Middle Age Men
- Returning to nature
Of all people to get a quote from the reporter spoke to a man named: “Wang”. (Really?) According to Wang: “the men were not at the beach to expose themselves but to treat their skin diseases through sunbathing.” He also said a portion of them also swim in the nude to “enjoy the feeling of returning back to nature“.
Thinking About it
First off someone should tell Wang that the Sun cannot cure skin diseases. Look at me, I’ve tried but sunbathing exacerbates my skin disease. If I continue sunbathing I’ll never get approved for a loan but I will have the proud hue and quick gait of a future police brutality victim.
Secondly what is it about middle-aged men and nudity. When I approach middle age will I just be over come with the need to whisper in the wind with my meat whistle? I have nothing against nudity. Usually nudity is a precursor to sex unless you do it through the hole of your pyjama bottoms, which is cool provided that your significant other likes looking at that smiling Jack-O-Lantern pattern up close for a few minutes. (Am I the only one who has only holiday-themed pyjama bottoms?) Every time I would go to the gym locker room to change after a tough work out it would look like the morning set of a gang-bang: the female star visibly absent but outrageous amounts of cock and high-tops everywhere.
Again I am not trying to disparage nudity, I just want to prepare my friends and MrsMary for when I become middle-aged. I’d love to interview Wang but I’m not at the age where I need to do so, as often, and I’ve also read up enough on air pollution levels in China and cancer.
Which brings me to my last issue, the feel of returning to nature. I do not want to return to Nature. Think about this: a few minutes out in the rain nude, drunk off gin (ran outta juice) probably won’t lead to physically deformed progeny. What about then, swimming in that radioactive Fukushima waters? Or in the Gulf Of Mexico where the BP Oil spill and the chemicals used to Clean the spill up have destroyed a lot of the natural ecosystem. Who can forget the fracking chemicals in the ground water and that Texas sized floating mass of garbage in the Pacific Ocean – I wouldn’t be surprised if actually going out into nature is what making these people sick. Just my thought.