What’s It’s Like @32 – Talking To Women

You may not believe it, but there was a time when MrMary had trouble talking to the vagina-possessing constituent of our species. Even though at 32 I’ve long freed myself from the weight of such a heavy burden, I can’t help but to look back at past follies and reminisce. I thought I would share  some of these ‘reminiscings’ with you this Friday night to kick off a series I am going to launch called @32.

So It Begins

how-to-talk-to-women-in-public1415324220-sep-12-2012-1-600x400So then… As many guys can attest to, approaching a woman is quite difficult. You want to save the coming off strong for the date with sex, after you have paid for the movie, movie popcorn movie soda, dinner and the cab back to your impoverished domicile. You also don’t want to come off too weak, that’s what you do 4 months into a relationship when you awaken to the fact that you are trapped. Yes, at 4 months that joie de vivre that made you come so strong on the 4th date is about as present as, well you get the point.

In my younger days I’d go up to a chick and ask: “Hey, what’s going on?“. I stopped doing that because I got tired of witnessing women grab their purses as they hurried off to rejoin their friends all funnily enough carrying whistles attached to key-chains. Even the advice I got from some older dudes did not work well for me. They recommended things like:

  1. Start things off by giving her a compliment
  2. Offer to buy her a drink
  3. Ask her opinion on something
  4. Make references to something in the news or celebrity stuff

Here’s the thing, honesty and giving compliments do not mix. How can I, in good conscious, tell a woman her hair looks nice when it can be a wig or extensions?  Since I don’t know if what I’m seeing is real or a product of some mechanical feat of engineering, I can’t risk being dishonest because according to Oprah that’s the one thing all women value. Moving along, I am not going to buy any chick a drink because it sets a false precedent. Basically 0.5 to 3 minutes of your attention is worth anywhere from $5 -$12 depending on the Happy Hour Deal? If I’m paying some chick money to indulge me, compared to the other jobs she’d be doing, answering questions will be the least of her worries.  Concerning asking her opinion on something, or making references to the news, maybe I do not want to be thinking of or talking about the genocide in Syria while I am trying to suppress an erection. It’s a dangerous game; I could never go back into the place where people know me as the guy who gets hard over Middle Eastern violence.

Now @32

Nowadays @32 I have a totally different approach to talking to women.

What changed for me was hanging out with married men. Married men have the same empty-soulless look in their eyes wild animals do who are held in captivity too long. There are catholic priest that have more sex than most of the married men, I know. OK bad analogy. When I realized that drastic weight gain, and sexless cohabitation was what lay at the end of the yellow brick road of holy matrimony, it became easy to talk to women.

I walked up to a chick once and said “hey” not caring about making a good impression or much anything. I didn’t even pay attention to whether she responded or not. I gave her the same “hey” I give to my friend Steve, my dog happy, and the pink elephants I see when I drink too much. Surprisingly enough conversations progressed, and I became the toast of the town. I also got better at picking out which women would be into the “black thing”, so that helped.

I don’t care how attractive a woman is I have no issue talking with her provided that we are in the same space during that part of the day when I actually feel like seeking out a fellow human being to talk to. The message of feminism have also helped me a lot in talking to women. When you realize that that chick smiling at you is as completely full of shit and hypocritical as you are, it takes the edge off. What’s honesty among the dishonest?

I’m not trying to be a dick. Tell me if I am wrong if when I see a lady I would like to talk to I imagine that:

  1. She farts discreetly in public, (she has to especially if she has a job).
  2. At least one time a week she has loaded up, and disgraced a toilet bowl
  3. She has an annoying friend who she cannot kick out of her circle so she indulges her out of pity.
  4. In a heated argument she will say stuff she doesn’t mean.
  5. She is insecure about her body, and
  6. When she wears white she spills things on herself.

So, then if we’re both equally falliable and forlorn, what the problem? 


      • Most likely. Though I do wonder exactly what I’m missing out on…from a scientific standpoint. I’ve been debating with myself about going to some of the bars in my locale, just to see what it’s like. It’d be for the express purpose of gathering data…”people watching” in other words. A part of me says it could be unethical though.


      • TarnsZ

        You should go check it out, people watch start conversations etc It would be nice to see what you report back. I dont see how its unethical you arent making kids make sneakers for Nike for pennies per hour or denying anyone rights. You going to the watering hole to see 🙂 😀


  1. hahah…you are SHY! That is so cute. Listen, you, my girlfriends all have a hard time talking to guys too! I did the lloooong walk across the club to ask a guy to dance and he said he was waiting for his girlfriend. And the LLoooong walk back across the club while my bitchy girlfriends who encouraged me to go and ask fell about themselves laughing. I’ve bought my fair share of drinks, endured shared looks and then wondering if that could have been ‘the one’ while they walk away because I couldn’t think of a thing to say. aaarrgghh…I just spilled coffee on my white pj’s.


    • lol yes I used to be cripplingly shy now it only happens out the blue every now and then.

      I have nothing but respect for you for going out there talking to guys and buying drinks *fist-bump*! I noticed that when I want to say something to the person but don’t know what I just say that, it generally works to start a conversation especially if you smile, and there is some initial eye contact. it works 60% of the time every-time. Like for example: Hey Laura Lynn I saw you sitting round in your black turtle neck and wanted to come over and say something but I don’t know where to start?

      White pj’s are awesome, I had a pair and felt like I was a wizard in the lord of the rings trilogy.


      • I was shy too. I went the other way and found out that by writing and remembering funny things that people think I’m funny. I’m really not so much. Except when I’m kinda drunk…


      • When I found out that I could make people laugh it changed my fucking life, navigating through the treacherous waters of social interaction was not the burden it once was! best thing to me since guinness pub style cans!


      • And the pub style cans taste better, way better, than the swill they call draught. Yeah, anytime you can make ’em laugh they think you’re a fool. Who takes the laughing person seriously? It’s a slippery slope, isn’t it?


      • The best comedians have the most fucked up lives. They all die young it seems, Farley, Belushi, Radner, Andy Kaufman and didn’t Patrice O’Neal just die? That’s true, it’s a double edged sword. My favorite comic is Katt Williams. That guy makes me spew water out of my nose. You ever see his Tiger skit? Or his one about black people “Tryin’ shit and tryiin’ shit and tryin’ shit…DON’T WORK!’ He’s hilarious and truthful. Gotta check him out if you haven’t.


  2. “She farts discreetly in public, (she has to especially if she has a job).
    At least one time a week she has loaded up, and disgraced a toilet bowl
    She has an annoying friend who she cannot kick out of her circle so she indulges her out of pity.
    In a heated argument she will say stuff she doesn’t mean.
    She is insecure about her body, and
    When she wears white she spills things on herself.”

    I think its a great idea to have this on your mind while trying to talk to women, it takes the edge off. In fact I am no going to think of ” At least one time a week she/he has loaded up, and disgraced a toilet bowl” when I speak to people in general. Hopefully I can keep a straight face.


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