You may not believe it, but there was a time when MrMary had trouble talking to the vagina-possessing constituent of our species. Even though at 32 I’ve long freed myself from the weight of such a heavy burden, I can’t help but to look back at past follies and reminisce. I thought I would share some of these ‘reminiscings’ with you this Friday night to kick off a series I am going to launch called @32.
So It Begins
So then… As many guys can attest to, approaching a woman is quite difficult. You want to save the coming off strong for the date with sex, after you have paid for the movie, movie popcorn movie soda, dinner and the cab back to your impoverished domicile. You also don’t want to come off too weak, that’s what you do 4 months into a relationship when you awaken to the fact that you are trapped. Yes, at 4 months that joie de vivre that made you come so strong on the 4th date is about as present as, well you get the point.
In my younger days I’d go up to a chick and ask: “Hey, what’s going on?“. I stopped doing that because I got tired of witnessing women grab their purses as they hurried off to rejoin their friends all funnily enough carrying whistles attached to key-chains. Even the advice I got from some older dudes did not work well for me. They recommended things like:
- Start things off by giving her a compliment
- Offer to buy her a drink
- Ask her opinion on something
- Make references to something in the news or celebrity stuff
Here’s the thing, honesty and giving compliments do not mix. How can I, in good conscious, tell a woman her hair looks nice when it can be a wig or extensions? Since I don’t know if what I’m seeing is real or a product of some mechanical feat of engineering, I can’t risk being dishonest because according to Oprah that’s the one thing all women value. Moving along, I am not going to buy any chick a drink because it sets a false precedent. Basically 0.5 to 3 minutes of your attention is worth anywhere from $5 -$12 depending on the Happy Hour Deal? If I’m paying some chick money to indulge me, compared to the other jobs she’d be doing, answering questions will be the least of her worries. Concerning asking her opinion on something, or making references to the news, maybe I do not want to be thinking of or talking about the genocide in Syria while I am trying to suppress an erection. It’s a dangerous game; I could never go back into the place where people know me as the guy who gets hard over Middle Eastern violence.
Nowadays @32 I have a totally different approach to talking to women.
What changed for me was hanging out with married men. Married men have the same empty-soulless look in their eyes wild animals do who are held in captivity too long. There are catholic priest that have more sex than most of the married men, I know. OK bad analogy. When I realized that drastic weight gain, and sexless cohabitation was what lay at the end of the yellow brick road of holy matrimony, it became easy to talk to women.
I walked up to a chick once and said “hey” not caring about making a good impression or much anything. I didn’t even pay attention to whether she responded or not. I gave her the same “hey” I give to my friend Steve, my dog happy, and the pink elephants I see when I drink too much. Surprisingly enough conversations progressed, and I became the toast of the town. I also got better at picking out which women would be into the “black thing”, so that helped.
I don’t care how attractive a woman is I have no issue talking with her provided that we are in the same space during that part of the day when I actually feel like seeking out a fellow human being to talk to. The message of feminism have also helped me a lot in talking to women. When you realize that that chick smiling at you is as completely full of shit and hypocritical as you are, it takes the edge off. What’s honesty among the dishonest?
I’m not trying to be a dick. Tell me if I am wrong if when I see a lady I would like to talk to I imagine that:
- She farts discreetly in public, (she has to especially if she has a job).
- At least one time a week she has loaded up, and disgraced a toilet bowl
- She has an annoying friend who she cannot kick out of her circle so she indulges her out of pity.
- In a heated argument she will say stuff she doesn’t mean.
- She is insecure about her body, and
- When she wears white she spills things on herself.
So, then if we’re both equally falliable and forlorn, what the problem?