DISCLAIMER: Dark Adult Humor,please don’t read further if you are easily offended.
While a friend and I were talking today outside, we were approached by two people offering us a great deal on our eternal salvation; all we had to do was accept a pamphlet. I took the free pamphlet in the hopes that they would leave us alone. My friend on the other hand said: “No Thanks!” in much the same way hot women say “No” to the homeless man requesting consent to lick their anuses, on the A train at 59th street Columbus Circle at noon-times. The proselytizer were horrified; how could anyone turn down the opportunity to know the man who died 2000 years ago for their salvation like it was codified offer of anilingus. They walked away from us shaking their heads. So now I am curious:
If I don’ take your pamphlet, does that mean I’m not cool with Jesus?
This isn’t the first time I have been propositioned. I was propositioned by a young woman once who I knew only vaguely, She brought me back to her place where I came upon the Bible, due to cramps in my leg and bad aim. It’s not something I am proud of, not calling her back but that marked an interesting moment in my religious experience. I wondered if Jesus knew me so long before I was going to be born that he would be willing to die for me he would know that I can’t say no to a Peruvian chick with long brown hair, brown eyes, and an inability to distinguish the letter “b” from “v”.
Furthermore did not Jesus say in the Gospel of Thomas: Jesus said: “Split wood, I am there. Lift up a rock, you will find me there.” Well that night with “Maria” wood was split, and deez rocks were lifted, so I technically found Jesus which was amazing as I didn’t know I was looking for him.
Let me be serious for a second. First there are only 4 canonical Gospels Mathew, Luke, Mark and John, the first two of which were based on a single source named “Q”. As this was before algebra was mandatory in school, Q not X was chosen. These gospels where written by communities of people after the death of Christ. The earliest Gospel (mark) dates back to 70 years after the death of Christ. I don’t see why only 4 of the many others should be promoted, but my criticism of Catholicism history of Draconian, over-reach and epistemophobia is another story.
It’s a very arrogant thing is it not to be an evangelist. You go around to strangers offering them things you feel they need. What’s worse is that you need them to need what your offering just as badly and in the same way as you. Misery love company, as do addicts. People addicted to misery i.e. following blindly an ideology are the worse type of addicts. The quote from the non-canonical gospel above is often used to support an individual coming to terms with the mystery of life by themselves without intervention of a massive world-wide hierarchical social entity hell-bent on subverting people’s minds and the rectum of their children.
I am very anti-religion. What you choose to believe is private just like what you like during sex and what’s on your ipad and what you watch on Netflix. I am down with Jesus, Mohammad, Buddha, Baal, The American Dollar, whatever you worship I support your right to worship it, as long as you are not a dick about it to others.