If I Don’t Take Your Pamphlet, Does that Mean I’m not Cool With Jesus ?

DISCLAIMER: Dark Adult Humor,please don’t read further if you are easily offended.

While a friend and I were talking today outside, we were approached by two people offering us a great deal on our eternal salvation; all we had to do was accept a pamphlet. I took the free pamphlet in the hopes that they would leave us alone. My friend on the other hand said: “No Thanks!” in much the same way hot women say “No” to the homeless man requesting  consent to lick their anuses, on the A train at 59th street Columbus Circle at noon-times. The proselytizer were horrified; how could anyone turn down the opportunity to know the man who died 2000 years ago for their salvation like it was codified offer of anilingus. They walked away from us shaking their heads. So now I am curious:

If I don’ take your pamphlet, does that mean I’m not cool with Jesus?


This isn’t the first time I have been propositioned. I was propositioned by a young woman once who I knew only vaguely, She brought me back to her place where I came upon the Bible, due to cramps in my leg and bad aim. It’s not something I am proud of, not calling her back but that marked an interesting moment in my religious experience. I wondered if Jesus knew me so long before I was going to be born that he would be willing to die for me he would know that I can’t say no to a Peruvian chick with long brown hair, brown eyes, and an inability to distinguish the letter “b” from “v”.

Furthermore did not Jesus say in the Gospel of Thomas: Jesus said: “Split wood, I am there. Lift up a rock, you will find me there.” Well that night with “Maria”  wood was split, and deez rocks were lifted, so I technically found Jesus which was amazing as I didn’t know I was looking for him.

Let me be serious for a second. First there are only 4 canonical Gospels Mathew, Luke, Mark and John, the first two of  which were based on a single source  named “Q”. As this was before algebra was mandatory in school, Q not X was chosen.  These gospels where written by communities of people after the death of Christ. The earliest Gospel (mark) dates back to 70 years after the death of Christ. I don’t see why only 4 of the many others should be promoted, but my criticism of Catholicism history of Draconian, over-reach and epistemophobia is another story.

It’s a very arrogant thing is it not to be an evangelist. You go around to strangers offering them things you feel they need. What’s worse is that you need them to need what your offering just as badly and in the same way as you. Misery love company, as do addicts. People addicted to misery i.e. following blindly an ideology are the worse type of addicts. The quote from the non-canonical gospel above is  often used to support an individual coming to terms with the mystery of life by themselves without intervention of a massive world-wide hierarchical social entity hell-bent on subverting people’s minds and the rectum of their children.

I am very anti-religion. What you choose to believe is private just like what you like during sex and what’s on your ipad and what you watch on Netflix. I am down with Jesus, Mohammad, Buddha, Baal, The American Dollar, whatever you worship I support your right to worship it, as long as you are not a dick about it to others.


  1. I agree with your last sentence. You kinda described my parents. Sad. I am not anti-religion. I don’t even know what I am.I do respect all religions and people’s faith in them. I was raised to be a catholic and i went through all the usual routines that catholics do but even when i was a kid, deep inside i don’t think i was really convinced. Ilove my parents but they forced me to do so. School forced me to do so. Now that i don’t go tochurch regularly, my parents look at me like I’m evil or something. They still try to force me until now. They mention church once or twice in a conversation. And they couldn’t even explain WHY i have to do as they say.


    • Hola Alias M,

      My grandfather was a deacon and I didn’t know till his funeral. SO many people came up to our family and told us how much he had helped them and their family. He never brought up religion. He let his actions speak for themselves. I will always appreciates someone who lives what they believe sincerely, and doesn’t try to force it on others. I went to Catholic School for 14 years so I feel your pain. Coercion never does well really, it does more harm than good.

      I’m glad the jokes before hand didn’t deter you from reading the whole post. In retrospect I wondered if I went too far. Thanks for sharing though and stopping by !


      • Nope, your jokes do not stop me at all. I follow several bloggers and throughout the years i’ve observed that there are those who seem all cheery and who write to impress to get lots of followers which isn’t bad. It’s just exasperating and repetitive sometimes and life couldn’t be all that peachy, right? It’s about the good AND the bad. Your blog is otherwise. Your jokes and writing in general, though shocking sometimes, hehe, are honest and that’s the reason i drop by your blog from time to time.


      • Thank you Alias, that’s one of the greatest compliments I’ve gotten here. I really hate that overly positive nonsense it puts me into rage because life isn’t like that at all. I try to have a sense of humor about things and sometimes things come across as sarcastic and cynical but that’s part of life and its real. I dont let stuff weigh me down but I shoudl be at least able to call a spade a spade.

        Anyways thanks for stopping by 🙂


  2. Love your last paragraph, the world would be a much better place if religious organisations were banned, their funds taken and actually spent helping the people the constantly talk about helping, the poor, ill and needy and everyone could practise their own beliefs within their own walls (assuming you weren’t hurting anyone else).


    • I feel ya Paula, so many times I find that religion is all talk, so many scandals involved. I think sometimes that religious thinking is what holds some people in the world back from making progess that could better the lives of many others. It will be nice to see where we as a global society go on from here. Thanks for stopping by Paula


  3. This was an awesome post, it made me laugh so frickin hard. Love the pics you chose, too.

    I have met quite a few evangelicals in my travels. Some use tracts that are nice…things that their own people have written and crafted. Others use “Chick Tracts” as their pamphlets…if you’ve never read any of these, Google them and check it out. I’d say you’re in for a treat, except you’ll most likely end up sad and slightly nauseous. Jack Chick’s pamphlets are truly some of the most revolting pieces of religious literature ever created. When I was in Ohio with a group of friends, a pastor came around and gave each of us one. I had one friend gather them up and put them under his coat because I refused to have them on the table…much like how I wouldn’t want Nazi propaganda pamphlets on my table, where passerby could see them and think I approve of the message contained within.

    I told my mother about it later, and she said that doing so was wrong and she was very disappointed that I’d be so hateful to Christians. Shocked, I told her I wasn’t hateful toward Christians…most of my friends are of that faith, and one is even a deacon. It was those specific pamphlets, with their gross messages, that I didn’t want to be associated with. She said that still means I hate a small part of Christian thought, and you need to accept an ENTIRE religion, even the kooks, because their faith is just as strong as mine.

    Bullshit, I say. I can judge people when they do things I find morally reprehensible in the name of religion. I will judge people who make tracts saying that you can rape/murder/steal all you want so long as you accept Jesus before you die. I will judge people who blow up abortion clinics and shoot doctors. I will judge politicians who say that only Jews and Christians should be allowed in the military. I will judge religions that say black people are less than human, that women are unsuitable for work outside the home, and that children need to be ‘broken’ while young so they are receptive to the need for salvation. I will judge parents who willfully starve their offspring, or deny them vaccines and medical help.

    Judge not, lest you be judged? No thanks. I will judge, and expect to be judged in return. It’s how we create laws and regulations in the first place, and though I have found solace in Wicca, I’d be sickened if practitioners started using faith as a reason to be unethical.

    End rant.


    • TarnsZ

      I dunno even where to start I agree with you 100%. Religion is not something for me. I believe that we have to hold each other accountable while giving every the freedom to believe what they want to believe. We cannot deny access or rights because of religion of course but we need to hold people accountable. I wrote something about judging very early on in the blog we have to judge, Judging isnt the issue ,its what we do based on our judgements. If we judge and live better and endear ourselves to causes that support others then its gravy!


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