What the History of Coffee tells us about our Civilization


coffeeusa

Origins of Coffee

Most modern coffee-drinkers are probably unaware of coffee’s heritage in the Sufi orders of Southern Arabia. Members of the Shadhiliyya order are said to have spread coffee-drinking throughout the Islamic world sometime between the 13th and 15th centuries CE. A Shadhiliyya shaikh was introduced to coffee-drinking in Ethiopia, where the native highland bush, its fruit and the beverage made from it were known as bun.To this day the shaikh is regarded as the patron saint of coffee-growers, coffee-house proprietors and coffee-drinkers, and in Algeria coffee is sometimes called shadhiliyye in his honor.The beverage became known asqahwa — a term formerly applied to wine — and ultimately, to Europeans, as “The Wine of Islam.” It became popular among the Sufis to boil up the grounds and drink the brew to help them stay awake during their night dhikr (meditation)

taken from here:

Modern Day Use

AceYourCoffeeDate

All of us go on coffee dates these days. They’re quick, relatively cheap, and casual. But as relaxed as they may seem, they have the power to jump-start a terrific relationship…or leave you both feeling like the dregs at the bottom of a mug of joe. The truth is, to go from latte to love, you’ve got to ace that let’s-meet-for-coffee moment. With that in mind, we culled advice from experts to help you brew a positive first impression.

– written by Kimberly Dawn Neumann  a New York City-based freelance writer whose work has appeared in Cosmopolitan, Fitness, and Marie Claire. She has no problem ordering her favorite grande skim 6-pump no-water chai latte on a date, but always thanks the barista by name. 

What da Fuck Happened?

In a few centuries we’ve gone from coffee being the Wine of Islam, and mystical aid to now a rallying point for the boring, spiritually syphilitic people of our communities, to come together in the hopes of finding a mate. And luckily for us when they do mate they will be raising a specific breed of children – the kind that will continue to view all Muslims and Arabs as either terrorist or corrupt purveyors of the finest in fossils fuels. Luckily they will continue the systematic campaign of belligerence against North Africa and the Middle East they have inherited. What an ironic turn of events; American soldiers doped up on caffeine to steering fleets of drones, annihilating innocent people whose ancestors were involved in the coffee trade?

Coffee was once synonymous with public spaces where people talked. Have you seen coffee shops today? – every space of today’s coffee shop, along with every person in it, is a billboard. Very rarely, between someone trying to palm off stale scones on me, do I see people talking to each other. Instead the store is catering to a unique culture of self-important consumers blatantly playing at exuding an ironic self-deprecation. Ask someone one day on their mini laptop, with their ears plugged into headphones that would be over-sized for most statue depictions of the Buddha, if you can sit at an empty seat next to them. Go ahead report back how long it took them to acknowledge your presence, how long did they draw out moving their stuff off that chair to let you sit, and how easy was it to start a conversation?

Our coffee consumption says a lot about us. Look at the following stats:

  • 31% of coffee drinkers make coffee the most important part of a morning, brewing a cup first b
  • 55% of coffee drinkers would rather gain 10 pounds than give up coffee for life.
  • 52% of coffee drinkers would rather go without a shower in the morning than give up coffee.
  • 49% of coffee drinkers would rather give up their cell phone for a month than go without coffee.
  • Americans consume 400 million cups of coffee/day, equal to 146 billion cups of coffee/year, making the US the leading consumer of coffee in the world.
  • Coffee represents 75% of all the caffeine consumed in the United States.
  • The United States imports more than $4 billion dollars’ worth of coffee each year.

What I’m trying to say is that the more advanced we have gotten the more effete and diseased interpersonal and general social interactions have become, which has always been the engine of progress and growth. What that means is that if you think that the best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup, you probably do not realize how awesome it is to wake up!

You know what the best part of my morning is? – when I return from unconsciousness to the mystery that is consciousness (whatever the fuck that is) with a hard-on . Nothing says one is alive like an erection! Ask your grandpa, the one your family put away in a convalescing home to die, if he still gets boners! Who gives a fuck about coffee powering me through my sad life of corporate servitude when I am full mast and still idealistic enough to think there is a way out of this collective insanity we are living.

4 thoughts on “What the History of Coffee tells us about our Civilization

  1. I read somewhere (not sure if it’s accurate) that a shepherd discovered coffee when his sheep started staying awake all night.

    I’ve never read such a powerful, glowing description of morning wood before.
    I’m guessing all that emotions comes before you try to twist it into position to take a leak?
    Because that’s no fun at all.

    And to be fair, HR doesn’t think well of me waving my hard on around at work.
    Doesn’t stop me from doing it.
    They just don’t approve.

    Like

    1. Yeah a shepherd discovered it when he sheep wouldn’t sleep. When the Sufi shaykh came on a visit he popularized it abd brought it back etc.

      Lol yeah I gave up on twisting and contorting myself into some odd position. I just once I have my wits about me jump into the shower and don’t worry so much about my aim. lol

      Dude I did wave my hard-on at work once. It was a heat-wave summer day and I went out to get lunch and with nothing to do that afternoon ate a giant lunch. I passed out on my desk when I woke up I didn’t realize that I was pitching a tent and hilarity ensued.

      I dunno why I told you that, I guess though now we can have a hard-on at work meet-up support group for dudes everywhere

      Like

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