Satire || To Those Getting Married on Valentine’s 2014

Marriage is a wonderful thing!

bride-groom-cakeJust think of how, as the years go by, you both will grow closer to each other, especially if either of you is American.

More than most other nationalities I’ve come into contact with, Americans seem to have the bizarre ability to gain  ponderous amount weight rather quickly. You may be surprised but in the parts of America (historically below the Mason Dixon line) you can estimate the number of years a couple has been married by counting the cracks on the box spring’s centre beam.

imagesBut moving on, while nothing says love like being caught in the gravitational field of your significant other, this is not what I am here to talk about. I’m here to help you (those of your getting married on Valentine’s Day) navigate the treacherous waters you are swimming through the next four weeks.

Here are 4 things you need realize and internalize, and accept  to make your marriage work:

You’re Going to Lose Yourself

In chemistry, the greater the stability of a molecule, the less reactive it is. Marriage as everyone says stabilizes you. While everyone says that your spouse is your anchor, what they don’t give you is proper context. Your spouse is your anchor in much the same fashion as cement shoes are an anchors for an enemy of the Mafia in the East River. If you make it past the two year mark you will find that you’ve lost yourself. You have no idea who you are or what you want from life. Your happy hour will be those 30 minutes you spend every morning in front of the mirror wishing your belt was longer and the shower rod was strong enough to support your weight.

It will be I, it will be the silence, where I am, I don’t know, I’ll never know, in the silence you don’t know, you must go on, I can’t go on, I’ll go on.  – Samuel Beckett, Waiting for Godot

Loving someone has nothing to do with being good sexual matches

As your relationship progresses in time, many of you will notice that your spouse (male or female) has  come to have the same need for sex as that cabbage you have in the back of your fridge your parents in law left there when they came over to make soup for you but got side-lined by reality: fuck soup in the dead of Summer. You will rediscover the beauty of platonic relationships one KY jelly filled latex glove at a time


It’s amazing! As you progress through you profession you will find out that you have becomes more articulate, over the years. You may be able to manage a whole department of people, make executive decision that may cost or make your company millions of dollars but you cannot decide what to have for dinner and you cannot communicate about daily. It’s the tragic sense of irony that ultimately deals the last blow to life. What was once the paragon of animals, and in form and moving like a God will because naught but the quintessence of dust.



Good Luck !!! and ….


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