A Satirical look at 2013’s Major Events|| Pope Benedict XVI resigned


WHERE THE HELL IS MY CHIFFON ?!?!
WHERE THE HELL IS MY CHIFFON ?!?!

As you can expect, being someone who sexually prefers emotionally-distant women and not alter-boys, you can imagine my concern and surprise when earlier this year Pope Benedict resigned from his job as The World’s Gaudiest fashionista (the pointy hats are too die for). Usually when other cardinals 1) cannot find the pope wandering around in a lobotomised fashion like Ronald Reagan, peeing in fountains to spite the cherubs, and 2) get wafted by smells  of Naples (rotting produce, and pestilence) it’s time to pick a new pope.

reagan_smash

But it didn’t happen like that! Oh no not that !!!!!!

My first thought was:  “What could this Pope have done that was so egregious that he had to resign early, especially given the fact that for centuries, the Church’s policy was turn a blind eye to the sexual connotations of ‘spare the rod, spoil the child’ ? He must have done something really normal. Maybe he developed feelings for a woman or maybe not having a job and sponging off the incredulity of the masses wasn’t putting his best foot forward ?

Whatever the case, the former Hitler Youth Pope resigned and out of two millennia worth of depravity comes this new pope, daring to make Christianity about doing good to and not shitting on others. This is not going to go well for the 1.6 billion Catholics worldwide. Answer this:

  1. Will he be there to bless the weapons, douse the drones with holy water before they kill innocent people of another faith at a wedding?
  2. Will he demonize the poor, and make calls to further marginalize them in societies that thrives on class warfare?
  3. Would he lend his support to politicians who have affairs and try to entice male police officers with promises of hot anal an airport bathroom stall.

The answers unequivocally are: no, No, NO!!!

The powerful plutocracy that runs the Western world is not ready for, and has not been innoculized against morality however small the dosage. Imagine if us plebians started wondering about consequences? Well I should correct that and say imagine us plebians started to have an emotional response to the fact that the material possession we so desperately crave were killing/harming/maiming scores of people ? It would affect the bottom line, which in other words means that that ever widening gulf between living with dignity and surviving will be soon uncrossable – like that chasm Indiana Jones crosses in the Last Crusade, uhm well sorta.

So far articles have been surfacing about whether the Italian Mafia might try to off the Pope, and in an ironic turn of events I dont mean “off” him but “off” him. I hope he starts wearing kevlar under his robs and starts rolling 50 deep like G-unit used to back in the day. Speaking of G-Unit here is the UnOfficial Song of the new Pope:

Many men, wish death upon me Blood in my eye dawg and I can't see I'm trying to be what I'm destined to be And niggas trying to take my life away
Many men, wish death upon me
Blood in my eye dawg and I can’t see
I’m trying to be what I’m destined to be
And niggas trying to take my life away

 

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