smaugIt’s been toted as the best thing since sliced bread, which is probably the problem. If you haven’t guessed by now I am talking about going gluten-free. It seems going gluten-free has become the universal panacea for all social, person, metaphysical and environmental ills. Once the hungry kids in the third world stopped eating gluten all their problem evanescenced into the air kind of like our compassion for those suffering due to our neo-colonistic foreign policy.

I don’t mean to go an a rant here, but if I can speak honestly, so far it seems that for all the healthy benefits going gluten bestows, it seems to transform most people into overbearing, condescending over-critical ass-holes, aka into long-term girlfriends or boyfriends, depending on your sexual preference.

Let me take a step back and share with you what befell me one late afternoon not so long ago.

Beset by an unimaginable hunger I rush into the nearest restaurant. It is midday, feeding time at the phantasmorgic zoo that  is NYC and as can be expected every eatery and watering hole is packed full of these lumbering beings that for the moment are almost complete in their servitude to their hunger. After being seated I order a soup and ask for bread. The lady next to me suddenly exclaims: ” I’ll have exactly what he’s having except that I want gluten-free bread, it’s much more healthier better. When she learns that this fine establishment is completely devoid of gluten-free bread. She gets in a huff and puff  and mutters a few choice words under her breath and gets just a coca cola.

Lululemon-pants-fat-shamingI have seen this type of creature before. She is carrying a yoga mat, and dressed in lululemon attire. Looking at her jewellery she is well to do, and judging from the blast of air that hits me every time the door opens must have just came from her yoga class because,  smells like a camel in heat.

She proceeds to call up a friend and after some initial banter, gets on a rant about gluten-free living. She looks at me and says: “If those people want to poison themselves then so be it.” The only time a female gets to act passive aggressively towards me, for stuff that has nothing to do with her, is a few dates after sliding into fourth base is a regular occurrence.

You see in America, it’s not really a right until you can bludgeon someone over the head with it. For example, while we have the right to carry guns, it’s not really official until a few of the government’s coffers are filled with the innocent children, civilians, and occasional black person looking for help, needlessly shot dead. (Newton anyone ?) So then, while you have the right to live your lifestyle, but it’s not really official until you can be a dick about it to unsuspecting people. See what I mean ?

There’s bullshit somewhere in there trust me

Don’t get me wrong, I get it. Processed food are terrible for our health and the cleaner we eat the better. Bread made from genetically modified brominated flour is clearly better than bullshit they use to make wonder bread. I don’t use the term bullshit to be rude, there may actually among the 100’s of chemicals in Wonder Bread be bull’s shit.

Actually as a man of science I am well aware of the fact that as reported in a 2009 study “Increased Prevalence and Mortality in Undiagnosed Celiac Disease” published in the Gastroenterology journal, researchers concluded,

Deez Nutz
Deez Nutz

The prevalence of undiagnosed CD seems to have increased dramatically in the United States during the past 50 years.” Research once suggested that one in 5,000 Americans had Celiac Disease; in the past decade, now it’s grown to a staggering one in 133. One in 133 suggests upwards of three million Americans suffer from Celiac and another 18 million from non-Celiac gluten sensitivity

Also in just the period between 1997 to 2002 (the years GM food was really beginning to crowd our grocery store shelves), food allergies began to skyrocket. The number of people hospitalized due to allergic food reactions rose 265 percent in that time. And food allergy figures continue to rise.

I am also aware that the wheat we are eating today is actually a genetically modified creation of the ’60s/’70s which can’t be good. So to the significant number of people who benefit from not eating gluten more power to you.  But please find other ways to let your inner asshole out. Run for governmental offices, and not eating gluten can alleviate much of their ills. However, because abuse or mistreatment of others is part and parcel of the American way, we have to create subcultures around treads to give outlets for our pettiness and condescending attitudes.


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