There are very few symbols more evocative of femininity than long hair. My lady has lovely long jet black hair which always smell like a potpourri of tropical scents. Because of my love of mystery, I have never delved into how many acre’s of precious rain forest botanicals go into her products, but this Friday past I helped my wife do her hair, and while one mystery was solved other mysteries were brought to my attention. I would like to recapitulate for you, my dear readers, my journey into a realm I never thought I would enter, namely that of Female Hair care.
Feminine Hair Care
The lady has been recovering well from her miscarriage, physically at least. Friday she had a bad episode and for a while I didn’t know whether or not to take her to the ER, but she didn’t need to. She was very weak and fatigued so when she asked me to help her with her hair I quickly without thinking said ‘yes’. Little did I know my Good Samaritan enthusiasm was my ticket into the unknown.
You see for years I had teased my lady about the plethora of hair care products that clogged the bathroom shelving, and pretty much any horizontal surface next to a mirror. I would ask quite brashly: “MrsMary, every time you spray your hair in the mirror do you see Mother Nature Crying?… Do you see the Amazon Basin in ruin?” Of course, she would reply without missing a beat: Dave, when you open your mouth to talk, Do you see all the shit that comes out?” We would laugh, and I acknowledging that I had been bested, would leave her alone.
In a nutshell I knew two about Feminine Hair care:
There are a shit-load of products involved
The Time it takes for a women (on a normal day) to do her hair can be summarized by this equation
Y(t) = 1.25x + 6.25 minutes
Where x represents the number of minutes it took for her to shower.
And 6.5 minutes is a constant factor that is derived from the average length of hair.
So then that means that if she takes 30 minutes to shower it will take her (1.25) X (30min) +6.25 = 43.75 minutes to do her hair. This means that if you had a reservation at her favorite local restaurant for 8pm (15 min away by foot) she will have to start getting ready between 4:45 and 5:15 PM. This is because getting dressed, putting on make-up, the process of matching colors and asking me what colors look best, and finally coming up with an excuse as to why I made us late takes a lot of time.
The Business of Hair
Ok so This is what I had to do:
- Dry hair with a towel (Easy Enough)
- Brush the hair, very very softly (According to Mrs Mary “Even Frankenstein masturbates with gentler strokes than I used to brush her hair) –
- Put products in the hair ( mind the ‘s’ on products)
- Part the hair in 4-6 different section (sections are usually an even numbered integer)
- Then blow-dry the hair with the flat brush ( as opposed to a 3-Dimensional brush)
- When its completely dry, style blow-dry ( So much blowing, and not in 1.5 minutes grainy increments)
- Add hair spray or more product to the hair. (Frizziness and Al-Queda are our mortal enemies)
- Hair spray again to make hair stiff (??? What a dichotomy! stiffness and yet able to flow in the wind- this is the Yin and Yang paradigm of Hair Care for those of your taken notes.)
Add to the pot the fact that I wasn’t the first man to do Mrs. Mary’s hair and we hav a potential catastrophe waiting to happen. Back in her native Los Angeles, Mrs. Mary had a fabulous hair Dresser (fabulous-Fabulous) who was really big into singing while he did her hair. So to recreate the experience I decided to play some songs to bring her back to those lighter times: songs that were a staple of Lips Bingo, her favorite Drag-Queen Lip Synching venue here in NYC that recently closed down. I played songs for her like:
- CeCE Peniston : Finally
- Gloria Gaynor: I will Survive
- Abba: Dancing Queen
- Culture Club: Do you Really want to hurt Me.
- Madonna: Express Your Self
Mrs Mary, laughed and laughed and felt better. I was really nice to hear her laugh.
Like watching that graphic video on childbirth and pap smears at the clinic, this experience was very informative but also a bit unsettling. I have gained a great respect for the hair care industry to the point that I can over look how it destroy all conception that personal non-political space should exists near mirrors and in the bathroom. I had the process of how women get ready demystified a bit for me, but this was only one piece of the puzzle. As I put away the hair care tools and equipment back, I realized that this was only the beginning. I was overwhelmed by the knowledge that there was the make-up to be put on, clothes to be ogled at repeatedly until the Platonic Ideal of what one should wear emerged from the vast recesses of her closet. Please keep in mind that having selected clothes doesn’t mean that they will match the jewelry and make up and most importantly the “feel” of things.
Yes the ‘feel’ of things; that magical sentiment that has eluded definition for a while now and probably will continue to elude me until I come to the realization that I should stick to what I know and not venture into areas of which I know nothing. There are powerful forces at work here beyond my comprehension and its best not to open Pandora’s box and let more chaos into the world. I am sticking to what I know best: manly things like
Mrs Mary is a cigar smoking, cognac drinking, crazy Latina. Sometimes she says the oddest things like the comment on Frankenstein
MrMary accepts and loves all people regardless of gender religious creed, race, credit score, age etc. All are welcomed into the spoonfulogSuga fold. I support gay marriage and believe that Republicans like to demonize homosexuality so that they feel better when they indulge in it, like getting extra points for doing something naughty. Anyone remembers Senator Larry Edwin Craig trying to solicit sex in a men’s bathroom or Mark Foley one of the foremost opponents of child pornography in the Senate getting caught “sending sexually laced, grammatically challenged instant messages and e-mails to teenaged boys in the Congressional page program for more than 10 years”.
Whenever I stay up late to write my sisters sits next to me and licks himself as if it were a gateway drug.