A Confession of Happiness

BalzacChabert02Le colonel ressemblait à cette dame qui, ayant eu la fièvre durant quinze années, crut avoir changé de maladie le jour où elle fut guérie.

Le Colonel Chabert
~ Honore de Balzac

The quote above just may be one of my favourite quotes in all of literature after Baudelaire‘s opening strophe from The Seven Old Men (Les Sept Vieillards): Fourmillante cité, cité pleine de rêves, / Où le spectre en plein jour raccroche le passant!/ Les mystères partout coulent comme des sèves/ Dans les canaux étroits du colosse puissant. Swarming city/ city full of dreams/ Where in Broad Day light the Spectre accosts the passer-bye/ Where Mysteries flow around us like tree sap, through the narrow canals of a mighty giant./

Gustave_Doré_-_GargantuaBut I’m not sharing it with you to reminisce about the past, or because of my love for French literature. I bring it up because it encapsulations this most recent period of my life. Let me translate it for you: The Colonel resembled that women who having had a fever lasting 15 years, thought that she was afflicted by another malade when she was cured. You see she had been estranged from good health for so long she mistook it for another  horrible reminder of her mortality that are countless despite the best efforts of medical books and modern technology.

So I live in Jersey now  and it is only when in walking through my new endroit, that I see the lights and the army of steeled Colossi that would have given RabelaisGargantua a shock. The majority of the bills are being paid on time, The rent isn’t an issue. I am in good health. The other day in basketball shorts, sandals and a plain white t-shirt I sat in an ice-cream shop, eating a giant soft ice-cream cone. I’m not super-stressed the whitening of the hair around my beard has slowed down.

I don’t know how to deal with life when it’s not eviscerating, that the conclusion when I found out that not only was my lady 8-9 weeks pregnant. I was happy and confused because happiness and I aren’t well acquainted


for the concerned:, by Charles Bukowski

if you get married they think you’re
and if you’re without a woman they think you’re

a large portion of my readers want me to
keep writing about bedding down with madwomen and
streetwalkers –
also, about being in jails and hospitals, or
starving or
puking my guts

I agree that complacency hardly engenders an
immortal literature
but neither does

for those readers now
sick at heart
believing that I’m a contented
man –

please have some
cheer: agony sometimes change
it never ceases for

I look in the mirror sometimes and yesterday seems like many lifetimes ago. Lately before laying down I stare out of the window for a good few minutes. I count the cats prowling on their beat. parenthood doesn’t scare me, like with many other things no matter how much you prepare, and of course you should, you can’t never be ready to deal with the consequences after you helped usher a new life and of course a new way of looking at the world independent from its parental auguries.

I’m at a strange place in life.  Yes I still have my agonies, J’ai toujours mes emmerdes. I think I will always be off center a bit but. Things are getting interesting I must say.

That’s it


2 thoughts on “A Confession of Happiness

  1. Strangely enough, MrMary, I know exactly how you feel. I was well acquainted with the “My life is good…something must be wrong” emotion when I moved out of my parent’s house.

    I was 17, had a full-time job, a room down the road at a wonderful lady’s home who also taught me wildlife rescue, and was taking a bunch of classes at college that I’d prepaid for that past summer. Life was frickin’ fantastic for the first in a very long time. So of course I woke up every night for weeks worried that I’d forgotten something important… 😛


  2. I am so happy for you, Dave. You told me about it a couple of weeks ago and I’m glad you are now sharing this wonderful news to our blogworld. Yes, things are going to be a lot more interesting for you. Just you wait a few more months. 🙂


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s