Read the article from Reuters that spawned this response:
THIS IS SATIRE, DONT READ IF YOU GOT NO SENSE OF HUMOR !!!!
Hello White People of America Europe and Eurasia, and all the places you have come to call home!
You may not know who I am and you probably do not need to at this point probably because you have already met your quota of having that “one black friend”. I can understand why you may not want to indulge me and listen to what I’m about to say. If you had more than one black friend visiting your house, property values would go down, and you just may have to explain to the police officers parked outside your house that you had to learn how to do that same ole two-step from the source. Even worse, those of you who live in gated-communities may have to engage the neighborhood watchman of questionable race in conversation and make clear to him that while you do not advocate the consumption of skittles and large cans of ice-tea you are of sound judgment and wouldn’t ever bring a negro into the fold that would jeopardize the sociological and economic isolation the community has worked so hard for.
But I come bearing gifts; gifts of knowledge about why having more black people as friends could in fact benefit you in many ways provided that you do not associate the word “friends” with job titles like “security guard” or “Sandwich Specialist” or “cashier”, “guy who carries my bags at the hotel”.
Before we Get to the Gifts
I wanted to explain to you first my qualifications. Not only am I black with many white friends, some of your ancestors and some of mine had a lot of sex. It wasn’t all consensual but I will to look past the fact that colonialization was a gendered process. Btw – the reason you may not know about that particular piquant part of history is that police artists aren’t commissioned to draw family trees. I have some whiteness inside me (not the same extent of Brian Gumbel, Anatole Broyard, or Halle Berry in Monster’s Ball) and in coming to terms with that I’ve come to realize that I have a great deal of insight into your historical social, psychological habits and ways of thinking. Also letting you know I have half white cousins should convince you that I am safe and approachable. I know by this point in time, you’re intrigued, so let’s move on shall we.
The reason why you should have at least one Black Friend
Gift || Reason 1
In the unlikely event that there is such a thing as karma, especially on the level of a race, you will want to have to some good deeds under your belt, to help offset, the Crusades, Colonialism, Neocolonialism, Slavery, The Inquisition, The genocide of the indigenous peoples, Lynching in the south, Colonialism, NYPD, The War on Drugs and the Prison Industrial Complex and some other minor grievances the Lords laws of Karma may have noted like Hanson, Pat Buchanan, Pat Roberts, the drug dealer who supplies John Boehner with his Melanotan, and Christ Christie with cheeseburgers, Rick Perry etc. Having some good deeds under your belt will save you money in the long run, no need to do yoga or give the Christian Children Fund that monthly $25 dollar check, you can live how you want now.
Gift || Reason 2
We can guide you under the guise of sincere friendship through hardship. If the movie Red dawn is correct and a collective of Asiatic countries and Russia ban together and invade and destroy part of America you will not be able to make that transition from having to not having unless you happen to live in Appalachia or most of the country’s backwater known as the Midwest. We may need help in deciding ‘Is the enemy of my enemy my friend?’
Gift || Reason 3
Self-preservation! This was reported on the Huffington Post today: Hate Crimes Target Blacks In 70 Percent Of Race-Based Cases. I am imagining that if we are friends, things like what happened to Mr. Byrd in 1998 wont happen again. Oh, He was a black man in rural Texas who was killed after being dragged behind a pickup truck for miles by a group of white supremacists.
Gift || Reason 4
All genocide programs of ethnic cleansing and gross abuse are historical enacted on minority groups first, remember the Jews killed in Nazi Germany ? See if you had Muslim friends like I do, and didn’t think like Mike Huckabee that “Muslims Depart Mosques Like ‘Uncorked Animals,’ Throwing Rocks, Burning Cars” the NSA spying thing wouldn’t have caught you by surprised. If you read my posts on Dystopia where I explained how it could happen and would happen you would have been waiting for it.
Now I know what Your Thinking
You’re saying MrMary How can you group all White people together in a single group and make them responsible for things they are directly not necessarily responsible for ? Two you I say two things:
- When in Rome we must do what the Romans do. It seems according to many Republican and FOX news platforms that is how you approach minorities with skewered statistics and half-baked ideas so I figured doing so would give me more appeal to you.
- Second I am only approaching the 40% of you who lie about having a black friend. Keep in mind all of this is contingent on the dream that karma and justice exist, and that you can take a joke as this is Satire.
There are many more reasons why you should have at least one black friend. Who will help you navigate the treacherous waters of fried foods? Who will generation after generation provide you with musicians to smoke weed with or music to listen to out-loud that helps you rebel against your parents ?
We aren’t that bad. I myself have black friends. Why dont you stop on buy and I will give you an intro course on how to approach and make friends with the negros in your town. Let me know if this is something you would like ?
- Race Matters: GOP Goon Pat Buchanan Says Black America’s Real Problem Are Themselves And Not White Racism (bossip.com)
- Pat Buchanan Endorses Russian Bigotry (towleroad.com)
- Those Annoying “Like If You’re Not Racist” Photos (realpeoplerealbeautyreallife.wordpress.com)
- Introspection: Too Pretty to Be Black? (theminnimalist.com)