Therapy is like masturbation in that there are moments when pounding out a few problems helps you out of a tight spot and other moments when doing it is just depressing, (therapy I think). My last therapist was a nice lady she was younger than this ancient evil Gollum looking therapist I initially was going to talk to. But alas it wasn’t her, it was me. On one of the last “visits” I remarked how funny it is that it would only benefit her if I stay unwell in the mind.” It made me laugh then I realized quite awkwardly that I was laughing all by myself. If you are new to this blog I should say when I say that I was unwell in the mind means that depression and me go way back.
Our therapy sessions had a lot of awkward pauses, fidgeting, and checking the clock probably like your first sexual experience, if you were sober enough to remember it (provided it wasn’t the thing that brought you to therapy in the first place.) The epic almost two year long battle with depression has lightened, and I feel I haven’t been depressed and I feel better each day which I good. It feel like I am taken off a heavy wet coat. I feel lighter and a little more insane in a good way.
My Therapist called me the other day and asked how i was and would I want to resume sessions I think I stopped in April, and this is how I responded
It was nice to hear from you. I have missed greeting you with “Wut’s up Doc” and have had to find other ways to pay tribute to Bugs Bunny.
I don’t believe in utopias, or that Kool-Aid even with its 100% RDA of Vitamin C is good for you. I also don’t believe that life will ever be problem free. If it’s not the mounting bills, it’s the slight bout of incontinence after one too many at the bar on the way home, or it’s moving, or it’s the other 997 Natural shocks that flesh is heir to.
I don’t feel depressed, or curmudgeonly and am as close to happy as I feel I can be at the moment which given how busy a time it is, is good. (It’s nothing worth writing home about in big bold letters or smiley faces, or pats on the back, etc) I also don’t feel like arming myself against a sea of trouble. It was the poet Rilke who said: “Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any misery, any depression, since after all you don’t know what work these conditions are doing inside you?”
That’s were I am now figuratively. Literally I am sitting in front of the computer planning my move to my new apartment in Jersey this weekend, wondering why landlords are so douche-baggish, sending out job application and wondering what it be like to be an uncle in November, and how much longer I should keep this beard. I have lots of work to do before I take a vacation in Aug.
Suffice it to say that I do not feel the need for therapy at the moment. I hope you’ve been well. I hope the cheese sandwiches you always enjoyed for lunch are still tasty, fresh and are able to balance just the right amount of cheese with the other sandwich-accoutrements like lettuce, tomato and slight bit of mayo. Hope you and your family are doing well. I have not forgotten my promise to give you an update the many things in motion have not reach a point of fruition where it’s worth reporting on.
Til then I wish you well