Shit I tell my Therapist || It’s Not You It’s Me, I need a break


Therapist-Couch-Photo-from-www.jezebel.com_Therapy is like masturbation in that there are moments when pounding out a few problems helps you out of a tight spot and other moments when doing it is just depressing, (therapy I think). My last therapist was a nice lady she was younger than this ancient evil Gollum looking therapist I initially was going to talk to. But alas it wasn’t her, it was me. On one of the last “visits” I remarked how funny it is that it would only benefit her if I stay unwell in the mind.” It made me laugh  then I realized quite awkwardly that I was laughing all by myself. If you are new to this blog I should say when I say that I was unwell in the mind means that depression and me go way back.

awkward-men-sexOur therapy sessions had a lot of awkward pauses, fidgeting, and checking the clock probably like your first sexual experience, if you were sober enough to remember it (provided it wasn’t the thing that brought you to therapy in the first place.) The epic almost two year long battle with depression has lightened, and I feel I haven’t been depressed and I feel better each day which I good.  It feel like I am taken off a heavy wet coat. I feel lighter and a little more insane in a good way.

My Therapist called me the other day and asked how i was and would I want to resume sessions I think I stopped in April, and this is how I responded

 Wassup Doc,

It was nice to hear from you. I have missed greeting you with  “Wut’s up Doc” and have had to find other ways to pay tribute to Bugs Bunny.

I don’t believe in utopias, or that Kool-Aid  even with its 100% RDA of Vitamin C is good for you. I also don’t believe that life will ever be problem free. If it’s not the mounting bills, it’s the slight bout of incontinence after one too many at the bar on the way home, or it’s moving, or it’s the other 997  Natural  shocks that flesh is heir to.

I don’t feel depressed, or curmudgeonly and am as close to happy as I feel I can be at the moment which given how busy a time it is, is good. (It’s nothing  worth writing home about in big bold letters or smiley faces, or pats on the back, etc) I also don’t feel like arming myself against a sea of trouble. It was the poet Rilke who said: “Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any misery, any depression, since after all you don’t know what work these conditions are doing inside you?”

That’s were I am now figuratively. Literally I am sitting in front of the computer planning my move to my new apartment in Jersey this weekend, wondering why landlords are so douche-baggish, sending out job application and wondering what it be like to be an uncle in November, and how much longer I should keep this beard. I have lots of work to do before I take a vacation in Aug.

Suffice it to say that I do not feel the need for therapy at the moment. I hope you’ve been well. I hope the cheese sandwiches you always enjoyed for lunch are still tasty, fresh and are able to balance just the right amount of cheese with the other sandwich-accoutrements like lettuce, tomato and slight bit of mayo. Hope you and your family are doing well. I have not forgotten my promise to give you an update the many things in motion have not reach a point of fruition where it’s worth reporting on.

Til then I wish you well

Dave

 

7 comments

  1. I think it’s wonderful that you worked your ass off, and were able to heal yourself in this way. I love that you still remain realistic about what life’s up and downs, but that you feel confident in tackling them. You’re awesome!

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    • Thanks Jen, I love this comment. It felt like a hug. I think that depression never leaves, one just gets more adept an seeing it for what it is, and for me that it has come to be a messenger of what’s going on inside myself just below the horizon or what I am paying attention to. I think that changign the way I approached it helped a lot. Fist bump homey 🙂

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  2. Frickin’ awesome, man. I’m glad you’re getting better at kicking Depression’s ass…it still owes me three fiddy and refuses to pay up. It’s like the gods-damned Loch Ness Monster!*

    Seriously though, if I was your therapist, I’d have laughed…but then I’m very sardonic to myself, and can also take a joke, my precious.

    *I realize this joke will mean absolutely nothing to you if you don’t watch South Park.

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    • lol TarnZs,

      You’re funny lol, in a lot of your post you come across really serious, and then in your comments you’re hilarious. Its all kids of awesome. I appreciate your sense of humor and style!

      Back in the day I used to watch south park. I still cannot believe its been on since I was in High School. I remember an episode with Chef’s parents saying that. I think personality wise my therapist reminded me of Alicia Silverstone in Clueless in that she was nice but from a different social strata – it was too wide a gulf in experiences to cross.

      Depression is an interesting gift, deal with it in certain ways forces you to take stock of yourself and life in ways I feel you couldnt have or didnt before it

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      • Hey, what can I say? Much like Meredith Brooks, “I’m a little bit of everything all rolled into one”. I don’t come with an Off or Pause button…but can change channels to suit the person I’m talking to. You’re pretty funny and witty, thus I feel like I can let that side of me out too.

        Depression as a gift, huh? Never thought of it that way. The only times I was depressed, I had suicidal thoughts. Glad to be rid of them…I don’t believe they helped me with anything.

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      • I had to look up Meredith Brooks. I had heard that song, well the chorus but never knew who sang it. You seem very similar to me. I get a lot of flack and trouble for not having an on, off or pause button. I change channels to suit people too mostly from either a general malaise being in society or a lack of trust/small loss of faith in humanity.

        I think everyone’s depression is different, I had suicidal thoughts when I was younger but I didn’t want to suffer any more than I was already. I was a wuss but its a good thing in that situation for me. I feel that whatever state I am in mental physical emotional psychical spiritual has is a secondary messenger for whats happened where I cant see. Deal with it made me very aware of many internal process, it made me find new sources of meaning by looking at events differently. In that case it was very much so a gift. There is a part of it that never leaves,but I can manage it and still do what I have to do without feeling so “heavy” and fucked up and apathetic. I dont wanna babble on so much but … yeah ?

        i think that’s it

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