MrMary responds: American men need to get over their Freudian fear of showing off their junk

(Warning: this is supposed to be a silly post, I will be making jokes)

imagesWhile I don’t speak for all American men, I am going to talk a bit recklessly and assume that there are other american men who feel like I do. Let me share with you sMr Doonan two main point in his article:

1. Drowning: “Dudes are getting waterlogged, and dudes are sinking….. ‘board-shorts aficionados are drowning because their swimsuits are so voluminous.'”

2. Gender misidentification: “This past weekend I spotted two burly figures walking toward me wearing what I assumed were large peasant skirts. ‘What made these two beefy, short-haired possibly lesbians decide to go topless?’ I asked myself. Upon closer inspection, they turned out to be a couple of dudes with man boobs in garishly printed board shorts, prompting the question: Why do American men insist on concealing their willies ‘neath yards of fabric?”

My personal Experience

7815517I personally do not go to the beach I was born with a great tan as my credit score will no doubt reflect. Secondly I walk around naked in my house which is probably why I got 5 pairs of pajama bottoms last Christmas from family. From years of working out and doing heavy squats I have over developed quadriceps so I have tried many types of underwear  and also apparel to hide my junk from the light of day and reduce chafing of my thighs.

With that said I feel I’m the perfect person to address the points put forth by Mr Doonan.

Breaking It Down

“American men need to get over their Freudian
fear of showing off their junk. ”
Simon Doonan

I think Mr Doonan makes a terrible mistake in that he doesn’t clearly specify which demographic of men  he is targeting in his article. He does to his credit discuss the class component to this issue:  “Clearly there is a class issue. WASPs don’t do Speedos—old money has no need to resort to gratuitous flesh exposure to achieve social currency.” He must not have hung out in the West Village or recently crossed paths this years NYC Gay Pride Parade.

I think Mr. Doonan is referring to American heterosexual men who aren’t known for their junk showing in public unless it’s a Spring Break related exercise in inebriated excess.

I just assumed that, come this summer, one might see an increased willingness on the part of the U.S. male to embrace a little European savoir-faire.

A few weeks ago I made a joke about European men wearing tight pants and cool blouses which many american men would consider questionable. Like Europe, America is a very homophobic place, don’t believe me check out this article: Beaten, Bullied, Badgered: EU Study Finds Widespread Homophobia in Europe. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and America has embraced a lot of European savoir-faire in terms of our xenophobia, hatred of Muslims,  racism, neocolonial attitudes and exploitation of the third world.

Mr Doonan argues that “the Puritans who colonized America are to blame” but if I remember correctly the Puritans where a European fanatical religious group. America has been home to many religious groups that originated in Europe, looking for freedom to practice without persecution: English Quakers,  Mennonites, Amish, Moravians. These groups helped form our national identity points of view on things like showing off one’s junk.

American dudes are driven by a Wizard of Oz–like desire to “curtain off” their genitals. They are impelled to gird up their loins with yards of fabric, thereby protecting—symbolically and literally—their reproductive equipment, while sinewy Spaniards, hard-body Greeks, bronzed Aussies, diverse Latin Americans, and pale squishy Brits take a reverse approach. These fellows prefer to wear swimsuits that say, “In case you wondered, I am the proud possessor of male genitalia, and in case you don’t believe me, here it is!

And there in lies the issue I suppose. Do you need to see the imprint of my fabric-stretching genitals to know that I have male genitalia? Buy me a drink and you can see a whole lot more !!!!

In Conclusion

BadGirlsClub (1)American women have never presented themselves with more over-the-top va-va-voom than they do now, especially on the beach. Bikinis have never been smaller. Hoochies have never been hotter. Tramp stamps have never been trampier. It’s obviously time for men to correct this inequity, join the partaay, and start channeling their inner Magic Mike … or inner Borat.

I read the above quote to my lady MrsMary and asked her what she thought about the article in general and she said:  “So this guy who dresses up as the Queen for fun wants to see more guy junkage on the beach?  He has no more important issue to worry about like LGBT  rights and acceptance in the US and Europe, or hunger, or even global warming and the destruction of beaches and natural environment all over the globe? …. how about the third world abuses in in the garment industry ? I know your in fashion but c’mon wake the fuck up. I personally don’t wanna see some dudes pork sausage when I am out on the beach with my family and my niece. That’s fucking great that everyone else want’s to put it all out there all the more power to them, but he can go fuck off.

What are your thoughts ?

Does anyone agree Doonan ? 

Do you want to see my Junkage on the beach ?

One thought on “MrMary responds: American men need to get over their Freudian fear of showing off their junk

  1. I do not want to see your (or any) strange man’s “junk” anymore than I want to see some strange woman’s breasts popping out of her three-sizes-too-small string bikini top — nor do I want for strangers to see me slipping out of any swimwear of the same general kind (I am not a woman who pops). I am not Puritanical, I wear a bikini to the beach. And all of those bikinis that I own, I am comfortable being seen by my father and all male relatives in, because they do not reveal anything that my gynecologist only should be looking at!

    Also, I agree with you fully that these attitudes are not limited to Americans. They can be seen in many countries in many regions in this world.

    And while something tells me I will regret asking this of you, I have to. How are those horrible squashy Speedo things just not intensely uncomfortable? I would imagine, as much as I can imagine, that something like board shorts would allow you so very much more freedom and comfort.


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