Graduating high school for me was a joyous time and also one filled with great trepidation. I was leaving one small niche and moving into a larger enclosure filled with the unknown and teeming with incurious faces that potentially, at a moment’s notice, declare allegiance to either the benevolent or malicious forces that shape the circumstances of our lives.
Women frightened me the most at this point in my life , and not for the reasons you may think upon an initial assessment of my coming from an all boys Catholic prep school, being painfully shy and socially awkward. Rather I was concerned that my vivaciousness and élan vital would be too overwhelming. At this point in my life everything was all and nothing. Either I did all my homework or none of it. Either I lifted weights till my arms fell off and I could no longer walked or I never entered the gym.
This same type of mentality, this juvenile approach to life, unfortunately never left me. I would have relationships where we would never argue and relationships where we argued all the time. Everything oscillated between some extreme sexual activity was either too infrequent to count or to excessive to be healthy. But one day that all changed and that was a moment I treasured.
We were about to get down to what most adults do when life becomes mediocre, routine and completely devoid of meaning, that is watch reruns of Law and Order SVU. Ironically for reasons unknown, despite the overtime worked, and the mounting bills and the stress of paying there was enough of sexual desire left between my then lady and I to evoke a familiar line of awkward questions that are the hallmark of a long term relationship.
Ya Wanna ?
Yeah I’ve seen this episode already
It’s on TBS, cmon now
So you’re sure right? I don’t want to see you in court
Shut up already
It was right after I heard the words: “Shut Up Already” that I knew my time had come, and I had left my youthfully exuberant ways behind. See right after hearing those words I was looking for a towel or a t-shirt to roll up and but under my knee. You see if at the acme of my juvenile days, I would have never taken a moment to think about my knees. I would have dove head first, and worked to call in a day off. Now I roll up towels and try not to scuff my knees to much, and I try to of course not call out the next day because I have so many bills to pay I cant afford a day off
HERE I am, an old man in a dry month,
Being read to by a boy, waiting for rain.
I was neither at the hot gates
Nor fought in the warm rain
Nor knee deep in the salt marsh, heaving a cutlass,
Bitten by flies, fought.
My house is a decayed house,
– TS Eliot Geronition