MrMary’s Jocular Look @Today’s News || Bachelorette party ruined: thieves take $500 of sex toys.

article-2336548-1A2B205F000005DC-341_634x345Thieves broke into five cars in Sandy, Ore., and we’re betting that one of those hauls came as a big surprise: $500 worth of sex toys. The story behind the theft is somewhat less salacious than the circumstances might suggest: Chelsey Coutts was storing the gear in her car in advance of an upcoming bachelorette party so her kids wouldn’t get a look at the stuff, which she described as “lots of toys, blow-up items, all kinds of stuff.” The bride-to-be also expressed her disappointment: “I don’t even know what they could use it for.” Both women valiantly maintained that the bachelorette party will go on as planned

It was horrible. The officer kind of started laughing, but he felt bad so he asked me to describe everything in detail, and it was just horrible,’ Coutts said to KPTV.Com

Getting into it:

I’m going to say it was an inside job. I think they thieves wanted $500 dollars of sex toys and they had to break into the other 4 cars to make it seem like they haphazardly in the course of their chicanery came across such a pay load.

But the real question is:

What can $500 dollars of sex toys get you in Oregon

especially given the state of the economy ?

Until that is answered we are at a loss. I’m guessing local stores buy in bulk from china here everything is produce from food, to rat meat for shipping to Angelina Jolie‘s new breasts (to soon ?) As a unrepentant NY‘er I have no idea about Oregon. I know the lovely Jen and Tonic calls the state her home. I know this one girl who lived in Portland but when I imagined her responce to my question: How many dildo can $500  get ya, I think she would be mortified that I thought that she has an appetite for pillaging (herself) that rivals that of Genghis Khans

Investigative Journalism

I decided to price online how much can $500  get you in sex toys.  Then I decided to customize a package for a bridal showers. Here is my dilemma: What do women do at a bachlorette party: do they surreptitiously do quality control of the products with each other?  Does Minday say to Brianna, bend over I want to try the automatic feature on the PeenGun ( I should trade mark that). Do they hire a stripper male and or female and bludgeon their soul into submission.

Research Results:

A decent sized bachelorette party: 4-6 Women.
For 4-6 women the sex toy price per woman ranges from: $83 – $125
Battery Cost: Like everything else in life  not included: ???
About the Bachelorette Paty: The Bride-to-Be’s Bachelorette Party (aka The Bachelorette) is a rite of passage — it’s the bride’s last night out on the town as a single woman. The Bachelorette is THE party where no matter what happens it remains a Sacred Trust between sisters. Forever!
Bachelorette Oath of Trust:

“I, (state your name) do solemnly swear that as a woman of the world I will respect and honor my sisters. I will not reveal the secrets of the evening. I understand that violating this treatment will spread bad karma upon my being and may result in increased bloating and cramping.

If asked about the happenings of the evening I shall reply:

‘Oh, you know, girl stuff, like opening presents and decorating the party with streamers. The bride’s grandmother was there'”

Side Note:

When a guy gets married and he meets with his boys there is an air of solemnity. We all pat him on his back and re-assure him. We don’t know what we are reassuring him for. But this is the end. We drink we remember the good times, and if strippers are involved its only to quell the sadness that the beloved friend we know is going to die to the world. We smoke we do everything we could to delay the impending.

Sex Toys

This far into my research I feel like I have been transport back to the time of Sappho of when the Isle of Lesbos was a big destination stop for wooden boats on the Mediterranean. I do not know anything about sex toys but I do know looking at the MsMaryMFPoppins and SisterMaryMFpoppins that if I looked for a deal/sale I would be ok. Affordability is key. Of All the stores I pick:  because they have been protecting privacy sing 1998 I go to Women’s Best Sellers and I saw some things that if this was in Ancient Greece I would have been struck blind for my insolence:

Liquid Virgin Drops – Tighten Up Your Va-Jay-Jay


I kind of have to wonder why is this such a popular product, is spring break that taxing on the body ? But that discussion is neither here nor there, but hey if you wanna make every time Your first time.

The Sqweel 2

sqweel_2_offen_schwarzI imagine someone was looking at a PinWheel at a fair and had a Eureka moment

Deep Throat Oral Desensitizer Spray


I can sort of get this but why is it strawberry flavored ? I don’t see the connection between strawberries and mouthing a phallus  But Now I have to go back and wonder if some of ex girlfriends were genuine happy or just technologically equipped.

So at this I stopped this research. Because frankly everyone in my house is looking at my strangely and I feel a discussion coming where I am told that everyone love and accepts me for who I am but to keep my nastiness to myself.

The Mathematics of it

Average dildo price $15.00

If you are more conservative,  one for each participant will cost $60 -$90. Getting one that squirts is an extra dollar fifty/dildo.

If you and your girls are very liberally and do not get yeast infections easily or don’t mind getting your cervix punched you could go for the pricier “World’s Biggest Dildo” aka the The Dick Rambone Dildo coming in as 14.5 inches, it will hit your pockets hard at 32.99. I am  guess approximating $128-$170  just to get one for everyone. Or you could get one  rinse it off and share. I don’t know the etiquette here. I love though the marketing and the image of Sylvester Stallone  it conjures up.

I am going to stop my research and investigative journalism here. Curiousity got the best of me and I check out something called strange sex toys. Things were going fine until I saw the penetration station and the Blow Up Barack – The Presidential Love Doll. I think these women were preparing for an all out assault on democracy and marginally empty space. Next time I see a girl that’s going to a bachelorette party, i will be wondering what’s in her truck, and thanks to Shop in Private I have jsut teh right technology to figure it out


Final Thoughts:

Advice for Ladies Planning a Bachelorette Party unless your Ramboning it, keep the dildo prices to about 15-20% of your allotted sex toy budget.

If You can imaging looking each other in the eye the next day you’re doing it wrong

Best Marketing/Sales Pitch/Item Description

Look no further, my friend, you have found what you have always been seeking: the world’s biggest dildo. I mean, it’s part of the American Dream, right? A wonderful husband, 2.5 kids, a dog, a house with two bathrooms and a garage, and a 14.5 inch dildo with a massive 2.5 inch diameter girth. Oh, and don’t forget the white picket fence!

The Dick Rambone Dildo is a ginormous dildo. My boss thwacked me on the leg with it (yes, weird things happen in our office), and I fell over with the force. This dildo is THAT heavy. You can use it to defend yourself against intruders. You can use it to make your boyfriend feel vastly inferior. You can use it as a rolling pin next time you’re making bread.  Made in the USA. Features a large suction cup that will adhere to clean, smooth surfaces.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s