A maelstrom of feverish activity, natural disasters and the impenetrable ennui of leading the lives we all lead couldn’t stop this celebration from happening. Today I, MrMary stand here are the threshold of greatness about to introduce you to a week (well 5 days really) of prurient celebrations, sobering reflections and mediocre platitudes. Yes my fellow readers, bloggers, stalkers and family (Hi Mom!!!), the title doesn’t lie. Everyday from June 3rd to the 7th I will be publishing a post celebrating the everyone’s 2nd favorite unexplained mystery behind the Loch Ness Monster:
I knew the clitorus was the perfect body part to honor, because it has a style all its own and it is always preceded by the article “the”, for some reason. We know words that come to the lexical party preceded by “the” are league more important than other words, for example: The Crabs, The Cleveland Steamer, The Reruns of Magnum P.I. The reason why I find the clitorus fascinating is because it has a history similar to that of Poland in that over that last two centuries it has been ushered into and out of existence a few times and unfortunately like the Poles, the clitorus is its own subclass of jokes.
Where to Start
I stay up late last night in bed trying my utmost to come up with a new and exciting way to celebrate the clitoris but I unfortunately feel asleep with the greatest thing right on the tip of my tongue. See the problem is that unlike a bar, most dudes can’t find the clitoris – I think it’s page 47 in my pocket dictionary, but that is more of a literacy problem and of course I cannot solve that from the confines of this blog. Anyways
Well after much deliberation I know what I am not going to do: tell you facts about it. You don’t come to me facts, you come to me for entertainment (well at least that is what I would like to think you come to me for). Also TarnishedSophia beat me to it with her post: Happy International Clitoris Week
What I will do to start thing off is this: I will share with you the top 5 reasons The Clitoris has been voted by me as number 23 on the list of the most import stars of the last 30 years in front of Big Bird and right behinds Magic Johnson’s unique blend of AIDS that just keeps making him money.
Reason # 5
While doling out both pleasure and a lingual work-out, the clitorus can give you also Cancer and like Yaweh in the Old Testament take it away Ask Michael Douglas
`Oral sex caused Michael Douglas’s throat cancer, the actor told the Guardian in an interview. “This particular cancer is caused by HPV, which actually comes from cunnilingus,” Douglas said when asked if he regretted his years of smoking and drinking. “I did worry if stress caused by my son’s incarceration didn’t help trigger it. But yeah, it’s a sexually transmitted disease that causes cancer. And if you have it, cunnilingus is also the best cure for it,”
Reason Number #4
Man cannot live off of bread and baked goods alone but if he had too, it would add some cheer to his step seeing his favourite baked good sculpted to look like a vagina.
Reason # 3
Clitorus has through memes and stupid Halloween costumes given “tactless nerds ” social relevancy
Reason # 2
Speaking about Clitorises|Clitori (what is the plural form of clitoris, and no it’s not coochie cake (reference to above pic) can bring about 80 people to your blog
Reason # 1
….will be featured on tomorrows post. I decided not to give it all away tonight and make you wait for it for no reason just until you lose all patience and just go home with a box of soft kleenex, now with aloe.
Stay Tuned- This is just the beginning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*The Commonwealth ceased to exist in 1795 as the Polish lands were partitioned among the Kingdom of Prussia, the Russian Empire, and Old Austria. Poland regained its independence as the Second Polish Republic in 1918. Two decades later, in September 1939, World War II started with the Nazi Germany and Soviet Union invasion of Poland (Molotov–Ribbentrop Pact). Over six million Polish citizens died in the war. The People’s Republic was declared in 1952 although Poland was a client state of the Soviet Union from 1944. During the Revolutions of 1989, the communist state was overthrown and democratic rule was re-established in the form of the current Poland, constitutionally known as the “Third Polish Republic”.
- May 6 – 12 is National Clitoris Awareness Week – How Will You Celebrate it ? (aspoonfulofsuga.wordpress.com)
- Michael Douglas Blames Cancer on Oral Sex (newser.com)
- Michael Douglas: ‘Oral Sex Caused My Throat Cancer’ (radaronline.com)
- Michael Douglas Got Throat Cancer From Eating Coochie (dlisted.com)
- Why do Polish and Pakistanis people come to England? (bestfromthebest.wordpress.com)
- Poland Springs Nature’s Blends Coupon – Buy One Get One Free (livingrichwithcoupons.com)