― Charles Bukowski
Friend: Hey Dave, saw a teaching job you might like
Dave: Uhm… I’m guessing prep school
Friend: Yeah, coed prep school in the city
Dave: < Laughter >Friend: What’s so funny
Dave: If i apply and get hired I will get only half the salaryFriend: Why ? I dont see it
Dave: Well a coed prep school in the city means $$$ … and a different demographic…. Im going to have to pay brolic looking lesbian to accompany me everywhere
Friend: I don’t get itDave: You’re a pasty looking over weight man, prematurely balding. Why don’t you eat your lunches on the benches at the play ground and see how quick everyone thinks you’re a child molester… now imagine you have a very masculine lesbian sitting next to you eating humus and dry bread because she is that toughFriend: You have a point I guess…. Uhm…so does that mean you wont apply…
Dave: Sure I will just, need to remember to wash my hands after I self-pollute, that way my sperm wont end up on someone’s homework and I get an unsubstantiated rape charge <raucous laughter>Friend: … ??? …..
I think we think we have a lot of time on this earth. 60 years seems a long time when you’re experimenting with your sexuality and gag reflexes in college, I wouldn’t know, that’s just what picked up from Cosmo while on line at the grocery. Then of course your mid 30’s hit, some of your classmates have passed on to the great beyond. Your body feel different, etc then 60 or 85 isnt that far off. A human life is not that long I dont feel, and I am not counting the hours we are awake physically and metaphorically. An average human being is awake for maybe an hour in a life time perhaps? Well there is sleeping, eating, post- coital stillness, commuting… most of our life is accounted for before we get a chance to plan to do anything significant. Don’t forget the time and effort spent hating eat other, discriminating against each other, abuse animals, littering etc.
I was awake today for a minute
I stumbled onto a post about me not written by me or my ex-gfs (court order) but by a blogger: Marj of Bohemian Sentiments. She said nice things about me and it roused me from the somnambulism that people mistake for daily life. I got so used to the stares and the awkward silences and the lady’s grabbing their purses when I enter the elevator, and the whole I can’t date you openly because my family wouldn’t approve of your being black but if you want to.. thing, that I forgot that there are some people, a select few people out there who enjoy my company, and words.
I guess growing up Roman catholic compliments and an unperturbed anus are both frowned upon by the establishment, you know what the priest say: spare the rod spoil the child. Sorry I am being petulant, I do that when I get compliments in a public manner. It takes the heat off me.
I dont know what to say really, so I will recite a quote:
“They say there is a doorway from heart to heart, but what is the use of a door when there are no walls?”
It’s amazing to look back and see how so many people around the world are connected to so many other people. I really felt for Marj when I learned that her father had passed. I felt moved by the sadness and pain of another person I hadn’t met. Thats the power I think of sincerity of emotion and sincerity in communicating them, if you are open to it, you can be moved. When I look out at the world I see that we all build more and more barriers to prevent the activities and words of another from moving us. I really feel that we are all connected, not in the hallmark or a limited religious definition of connection, but in something that is much deeper and more profound.
Death is a difficult topic and subject. It forces us to ascertain to what extent are we alive, it also forces us to deal with loss in a real way other than building barrier to better protect ourselves from being drawn in the depths of the human experience. I don’t think that Marj should be thanking me, we should be thanking her and everyone that openly shares their pain and grief. Because in doing so they invite us into a deeper experience of being alive if we choose to accept the invitation.
I’ll tell you a secret. I may spoon out the sugar, here on the blog but the secret is that the sugar is given to me from all these nice invitations I get from you guys the reader to enter into a deeper experience of being alive and a human being really.
here is the post just in case you