Bitterly Pressed Christmas Edition: 10 Things to Do In Bed This Christmas

DISCLAIMER: Side Note: I havent done this in a bit. One of my kick ass readers asked me to do one again and I complied. This may be a little to much vitriol for most of you please read with caution

The Bitterly Pressed is an institution here on the blog. It is something I’ve been doing for  a year now. It’s a subtle joke, cause a self awareness of own’s bitterness is a means of it’s repudiation. It makes this sort of a meditation on a non-existant state of being which is to me the human condition project through the lens of absurdity and slightly distorted for comic effect. Anyways.

Basically I used make fun of the Freshly Pressed thing. Unfortunately I have come to know many of you who have been Freshly Pressed and I see now that you are not a the single function unit growing army of sycophantic reprobates hell-bent on precipitating mass mediocrity through the assertion of your pitiful existence by your gratuitous acts of self-referentiality.  Some of you, many of you are really nice human beings. So I had to change my approach and methodology.

An Unfortunate Article

I read an unfortunate article on the Huffington post called: 10 Things to Do In Bed This Christmas. After the first suggestion I screamed outloud “Bullshit” and fucked up everyone’s shit who lives here. But I thought I would be real and tell things as they are. The article is for newly wed which makes it all the better. So here it is:

6.

Realistic Things to Do In Bed

This Christmas if your Newly Wed

Males:

 

Masturbate. While you toss-off repeat to yourself outloud, NO!!!  over and over again. Preparing for and getting a taste of unfulfillment and disappointment is the best way to insure a long uneventful marriage aside from raising children that will lock you away in a cold dark etherized home when your excessive talking becomes annoying.

________________________________________

Take a picture of your penis.  You will work many long hours to provide if you are a real man, and yet you will find coming home to be just another regimented enclosure, another type of prison, where you have no privacy and are reduced to only a means for other peoples sensual and monetary fulfilment. Your only solace will be found at the bottom of a pint. The more solace you find the less like you’re going to be able to see your dick underneath all the chins and stomached you’ve  acquired. Every time you try to wear a belt you will be making fun of circles everywhere and the institution of geometry. Frame the picture of what you fav part use to look like.

________________________________

Watch Holiday movies in bed. Coax your soul into believing in a debased herd mentality that celebrates presents without substance, overtime work without meaning, and people reduced down to ideological vehicle like the paper money is printed, inherently worthless outside the extremely narrow limits of monetary transaction. Give up all individuality and soul you have at once, dont spend time picking at the band-aid

Women :

Read a lot of books on dog training if you plan to not abandoning your career for the sake of those this ankle biting fucktards that are your children. Start learning how hiring a staff of stranger can give your child the attention and love. learn to speak patois so your Caribbean female help  cant insult you and talk about you behind your back. And it will also help facilitate bartering the prices for sexual favors when you travel abroad for work away from your husband getting death-stroke by some fit Negro who exist only for someone else’s economic and sexual gains.

___________________________________________

Nothing Beats the Classics

Look for and book mark online store that specialize in sexual toys. When your husband is late and you spent all day talking to the air or the empty hallways of your mind about how much more you wanted from life, at least you can blast some color back into your face so you can make the farce that you call a life look more believable.

__________________________________________

Read up on Biotech companies and new discoveries in plastics. By the time you are old, and your husband has passed from some lethal combo of congestive heart failure from being so fat and colon cancer for never coming close enough to vegetables to be able to spell it correctly, if you have invested and saved wisely you just maybe able to afford to entertain the likes of a young sexually vigorous male and a new plastic face

Other Bitterly Pressed Episodes:

1. Bitterly Pressed Fall Edition: Here’s a Hot Cup of Hate for WordPress’s Freshly Pressed
2. Bitterly Pressed: The Best that Autumn has to Offer
3. Bitterly Pressed: Notes on the Toilet After a day as a Vegan
4. Bitterly Pressed: The Market’s Loose Women Selection Has Improved Lately (Humor)
5. Bitterly Pressed: The War on Terror, Religion, and A Woman called Dick-sitter
6. Bitterly Pressed: 10 Things I Wont Do in 2012 Part 1
7. I have this shame that won’t go – A Satirical Open Letter to WordPress about Freshly Pressed