Bipolar Depression: I don’t like it write about it often. It is something very personal to me. Today on the train I heard two younger girls talking and one of them said: “She so bipolar, why can’t she just get over herself.”
I personally wanted to slap her ( not really, ok well sorta) Its a tough thing to live with bipolar disorder. You just can’t shake it off of drink a Sprite and then all life is ok. As put so aptly on the post: Being Bipolar
Bipolar disorder is a psychiatric disorder (also called Manic Depressive Disorder), that causes my moods to swing between really high and really low, to a degree that interferes with my daily functioning and quality of life.
The high’s feel so high lol. Ive never taken drugs but its like being drunk and having an intense orgasm at the same time: nothing makes much sense and you are all over the place but it feel good really good. For me The highs are far and few between. There are mostly depressive episodes. Sometimes they happen multiple times in a day and my shit is wrecked.
A few times I took coffee during a manic phase and I went bananas lol. I can laugh about it now because for the last 5 months I have been cool a happy middle and its been lovely. Just even guys feels awesome.
The Being Bipolar Post
I was happy to retweet this post on the BlackBox Warnings it really resonated with me. I wanted to give this person a hug. They described so well how sometimes I get extremely annoyed and aggravated, or this impending and unshakeable sense of loneliness.
I contract further and further into myself. My thoughts race even more so than they usually do and they become repetitive. I am imprisoned in my own mind and then I watch my family give me those looks: like wtf is wrong with him, like I am a sick dog. Then on the opposite side when i get all out of hand I get hurt that no one wants to be around me, because I can’t see how I am.
It’s weird because now I am starting to notices the tell tale signs right before the mood switches. I get irritated and feel really anxious and cannot sleep, I dont fell hungry, I don’t feel like talking I start to obsess about stuff. Then I dont dress as dapper, beard grows … etc
I didn’t mean this post to be about me, but it’s so relieving sometimes to hear someone else talk about something you suffer from especially when I am even. I can really benefit from it. Depression in many ways fuels my writings amongst some other things it was a nice moment to read that. So my thanks to you Julia Kovach and LeClown for tweet. Please check out the both of them if you have not already.
Earlier this year, I wrote and described to you how I was like at each extreme. I thought I would share
The Grief Wracked City
A minute or so later I see myself in the mirror. Man. I couldn’t get myself to sleep and so spent a significant portion of the night look at the screen or unable to do anything but sit. I have a bit of a beard and the my hair has the unkempt look of a profession madman.
I feel heavier than usual today, I cant think clearly. I find myself walking in circles but unable to figure out what I have to do to get where I have to go. Someone points this out to me and I know right then and there from the silence between the words spoken to me that I am going to have a depressive episode. Thinking back on it, it has been growing in the dank recesses of the passing week, but now it has in a way bloomed, and everything in the room, my dogs my parent the food the computer everything is irreversibly stain with sadness I can’t make a decision of what to do next so I end up pacing until even after a while I cant even do that. I have to sit down
I lost count of how many hours I spent just sitting down unable to do anything. Luckily it’s Friday. Some days like this I cannot do much work, and on a day like Monday I am a hurricane of activity multi-tasking , completing assignments in record time… for the moment I am highly irritable, and feeling excessively restlessness tired and guilty. I just realized that it’s been a while since I’ve eaten but I dont feel hungry.
I had an interview with someone who knows me well and i will put some of it down here:
MrMary-ly : Do you think you can describe what it’s like when I go nuts
Friend: You’re like an earthquake actually no your more like a tornado… yeah, because you see it start to come in your direction then before you know it your sucked into the madness and you can’t stop it unless you run the other direction to avoid it and you’ll chase them because you don’t understand the level or the intensity of your silliness
MrMary-ly: oh ok
Friend: It’s like a no holds barred nothing is safe You can say (MrMary’s real Name) stop but that’ll just encourage you. It’s like you become this unstoppable energy you’re either screaming or yelling then singing
MrMary-ly: what do you mean no holds barred?
MsSexyTime: You’re annoyingly loud then making jokes but not just any jokes just cut throat jokes and only you find it funny then you have the booming crazy laughter
MrMary: really ? I cant tell when its going like that. Everything seems like a blur like its moving superbly fast
Friend: thats why we just let u be, and then u would get upset because no one would join in because u come across like obnoxious high energy asshole dropping f-bombs left and right or ur running around the house laughing and singing being silly then in like a matter of secs you just drop poof everything stops and all of sudden ur quiet
MrMary: What is it like when I am down
Friend: It’s pretty bad. It’ s hard to be around because when I’m feel down something can cheer me up or change my mood for you, you can stay like that for days on end and nothing will make it budge or move.
- Being Bipolar (blackboxwarnings.wordpress.com)
- Bipolar Disorder Debate: Myths of Mental Illness (psychologytoday.com)
- Money, Shopping and the Bipolar Mind (bipolar2happiness.com)
- Depression in Children: Proof of Bipolar Disorder (psychologytoday.com)