A year ago today I started this blog and I thought since you have been nice enough to read the stuff on this blog, I would tell you the reason why I started it and continue to write here.
A friend of mine who has traveled the world used to tell me this one particular quote. I don’t remember where he picked it up from. He told me “Dave man,good times are gift from God, bad times are God himself. When I first heard that I thought it was a joke. I never discuss my personal beliefs with anyone and am not in any way religious. The quote stayed with me and has come to mean a lot to me.
And so 7 years ago I got provoked into what almost escalated into a fist fight with my pops. I took everything I had at the time and left with my lady who was living with my family and I at time. My job sucked had little to no money, no savings but managed to find a place. I was the only person working. I worked at anyone time time 3-4 jobs to provide. I had my own business , main job, tutoring idiotic students on the side and whatever else i could find. Rent increase happens first eviction notice, I sell anything I have of value. Avoid eviction. Things go on for a bit. I get caught in a ongoing fight with my superviser and his supervisers work crazy insane hours for no pay eventually quit because I figure I’m not an animal and should but up with this treatment. Eviction notice #2. I work myself to the bone sell whatever Christmas presents I got from the year before, you get the picture. Find a new job a few months in my sickle cell after a decade of nothing flairs up every month I have 2 episodes of excruciating pain. I take off what little time I can and work eventually end up in the ER. Cant do more jobs, sick really sick. Hairs start to turn grey from stress. I’m the only one working. Eviction notice #3 Miracle happens don’t get evicted somehow. Few months later my lady is pregnant we are looking at the sonogram. Happy time few months before she found work, burden on me eased recovering. I have always suffered from depression but being that sick for that long turns something off in my head. Cant read, cant write, stop telling jokes, hair and beard grow long I have high highs and low lows, cycle through every emotion in 5 intense minutes. Start therapy get other sonogram baby doing well. It’s gonna be a boy. We decide to name him Xavier. January earthquake wipes out Port Au Price the Capital of Haiti, Family there I hear about but i don’t know them never knew them, I feel really sad don’t know why, a Month later to the day in hospital with lady they have to induce labor our son dies. I couldn’t bring myself to hold him.He is big for his age. They give me a box of sonogram picture and other stuff I haven’t opened it yet. Lady is sick in hospital, luckily the state is able to pay for the bill. Mother comes to visit, father wont let my sister use his car so she cant pic me up and take me to the hospital. I walk in the cold cause the bus stops working to the D train. Its never felt this cold in my life but we have an uncharacteristically warm winter. Im hungry, Its an old friend, the feeling of hunger I mean. It doesn’t bother me tho, days later lady gets out she is too weak to move. I help her shower and she cannot brush her hair, so I learn all about shampoo conditioner and make up, we watch project runway together and I show off my hair braiding skills I learned from my sister when I was 11 because I was ordered to play with her, and she was playing with her dolls, and I had to help her braid their fucking hair, because as an older brother, its my duty to indulge her. I got some more stuff, and things are better for a time eviction notice, not teaching any more lady gets post-partum depression and shuts down… there is silence in our apartment, I hear the dogs breathing heavy as they sleep and my favorite cat Cleo sits on my head… I spend my free time sitting on the couch looking out the window, or take walks at 1-2 am … she finds a therapist gets help things are better eviction notice this is the final one, I’m in an out of court and going to work I am too tired to work more than this job, Look in the mirror I’ve aged where was the guy I used to be, where did he go ? Can I find him.
August 2011 – All goes to hell make a deal rent a storage space, find home for all my pets except the dogs, loose whatever dignity My lady and I move back in my with parents. I don’t remember when go back to the gym , Lady books a flight to see her family – we met online 11 years ago and our relationship is literally like some stupid Tom Hanks movie romance air plane flights – I am fucking miserable. I’m done. The grows long again i get very sad…i have moments where I am extremely sad sometime hurts but I don’t know what – My lady still no 100% better, says she needs to figure things out,
She doesn’t come back, I get my money refunded back to me though for the return flight
Nov 18 2011 – I had a blog before still do, I received death wishes for something I wrote calling for differences to be put aside and some other positive bullshit. It’s heart breaking really that people can be so mean. Life has never been sweet to me, I still want to write though, what do I call the fucking thing, something with sugar in it, Well What do I wanna write about – who the fuck knows, whatever ? Yeah I’ll write about whatever but I’ll sweeten shit up like Diogene the Cynic – See everyone found it silly that he was walking through the streets of in the day time with a candle looking for a real man. No one got that he was asking a deeper question, : if in fact there are real men to be found, real in the sense that they experientially are not trying to be anything or become anything, they are completed united with the present moment, the only thing in existence how could they be found, how would recognize them Are our ways of understand and perceiving reality as blinkered and quixotic as the dude in the daylight with a candle? It’s almost as if he is calling reality into question, but making people laugh so the harshness of what he says of is masked… Thanks a cool idea… Normally people want the medicine that makes them feel better to taste good too…yeah thats funny like how they put sugar in everything nowadays …yeah reminds me of that Fucking song , you know that bitch comes into London on an umbrella…yeah Mary Poppins … She was a freak..I think a sexual deviant, those cheeks were rosy alright but not for the reason u think, yeah sup with that sexual subtext of sweeping chimneys…Yeah Dick van Dyke snatched up into chimneys….every think thats what they call it that “snatch” cuz you kind of get sucked in like it had a mind of its own and …. like needling catfish lol this is funny shit, Wonder if Mary Poppins every settled down, yeah prolly with some black dude saw how crazy she got when they all had on black faces from the fucking chimney and shit….yeah it makes sense she was anti establishment and capitalism ..she came in flying on her own umbrella Singing about accessible healthcare spoonful of suga helps the medicine go down…. yeah that it that the fucking name .. A spoonful of sugar …. But I will spell it suga because african-americans are not supposed to pronounce terminal constants …… Do you think anyone will get it, thats its just a spoonful of suga, its not being added to help the medicine go down, its just exists
…. a spoonful of suga is like an analogy for the human existence…. you out it in tea and it fades away completely with any noise or visual effects… no one can find it anymore after its dissolve away… and while one can lament its passage one just has to take a sip of tea and the spoonful of suga is there
1 year later
300+ followers later
Here we are,
I may never meet you face to face in life to tell you thanks, but Thanks 🙂 I guess I will see you in the comments if you choose to comment
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