How-to: Suckage Revisited


mrmarymuthafuckingpoppins:

The Lovely Ms Jen and Tonic shares some of her wisdom, its nice seeing her so passionate and fired up, It gave me some chub but not enough that would bar me from my day to day functioning

Originally posted on Sips of Jen and Tonic:

NaNoWriNO Day 3

Topic: Why are people so stupid?

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Trying to figure out why people are so stupid is like trying to figure out the meaning of life. I racked my brain, trying to factor in all cultural, gender-specific, socioeconomic and religious reasons as to why people choose to degrade themselves with doltish behavior. After several paragraphs, and shedding a lifetime’s worth of tears on my keyboard, I sounded so bitter and maniacal Ann Coulter would have been proud of me.

I was struggling because not only had I ingested a whole bottle of NyQuil (I was out of vodka) but also because I’m a solutions-oriented person. While I think it’s important to find out why a problem is occurring, it’s ultimately more important to fix it.

I wrote a post last year outlining simple tips on how not to suck as a person. I think this is the…

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kitty

A Childishly Inappropriate bar conversation I had with my HighSchool Friends Recently – You’ve been warned


MrMary: So you wanna bar hop or you wanna stay in this shit hole and drown the sorrow away
AKA MrToughGuy: yeah let’s stay here a bit, see what’s popping –
MrMary: Hopefully all the [College Name I can’t say] kids go away – and do whatever it is that they do
AKA MrToughGuy: Like whaddya Mean… committ suicide
MrMary: I was think wicca and sodomy but it  all sort of goes together
AKA MrToughGuy:  A – O man, You creative fuck

(Bigtyme Bobby G comes down and sits with us – he is a fellow  highschool classmate that’s now a lawyer]

AKA MrToughGuy: BigTyme Bobby G Wassup
MrMary:  Sup Playboy
BigTyme:  Hey guys finally got off for work, it’s not too far from here
MrMary: lemme get you a blue moon – you like that or do you wanna Stella – or some homosexual drink like cider
BigTyme: Fuck you, I love Cider, but Ill go with a Jack and Coke
Mrmary: Jack and Coke how much of your soul did you sell at the law office
Tough Guy: [ de Niro Impression]  a lil bit a lil bit…… You know, we always called each other good fellas. Like I tellz ya You’re gonna like this guy. He’s all right. He’s a good fella. He’s one of us.: You understand? We were good fellas. Wiseguys.

[ Mrmary and his friends do not in any way condone discrimination on any basis including that of sexual orientation- We are all rather immature and call each other names  to express our brotherly affection for one another, because we werent hugged enough by our parents]

(We get a few drinks)

So BigTyme Whats new – Heard you’re banging broads ten ata time for a dime, like they used to during the War
BigTyme: MrMary’s Real Name – as your lawyer I would advise you to lower your voice as the bitches here might take offense
MrToughGuy – True listen to ya lawyer you neva know, but the girls here are crazy, doped up a lil bit or at least that what I heard
MrMary – Im willing to make a bet with youze guys

Brooklyn – hahya Fuggin Do-wyn ?

( youze-  we are all from brooklyn and exagerrate our accents to fuck around)

BigTyme – What’s the bet
MrMary: I bet the lady that serving our drinkings is a vegetarian
ToughGuy: You Fucking Kidding me?
Mrmary: Ask her playboy, see what she says

(A few minutes pass , waitress comes )

Waitress: Are you guys going for another round
MrMary: of drinks ?
Waitress: uhm of Course what did you think
MrMary: I had a swimming accident sorry ( kicks ToughGuy ever so gentle under the table to make him ask)
Waitress: oh I’m sorry to hear that…what happened
MrMary:  I was swimming laps at the pool and some portly fellow dove landed on me and I …
ToughGuy: [Interrupting] We will all take another one of these and he will have another jack and Coke – and it’s on his tab, the swimming accident dude
Waitress: (giggles) … ok sure
ToughGuy: He seems to think your  vegetarian
MrMary: or Vegan
Waitress: Wow how did you know, I’m a vegetarian
MrMary: I’d love to tell you but I can’t give it away, It would be like asking The Colonel for the special recipe, or asking Lindsay Lohan for her secret septum plugging formula
Waitress: He’s one of a kind isn’t he
BigTyme: Don’t humor him – He will like it and probably take it too far… I’m saying this as his lawyer
MrMary: He wears a suit to such a classy place like this, he definitely must be trusted
Waitress: (giggles).. I will be back with your drinks guys

MrMary: You each got to get me a drink
BigTyme: How did you guess ?
ToughGuy: You know dis broad from elsewhere (yes people still use the word broad)
MrMary: It’s all elementary my dear friends … I saw her take down a double shot of something with that crowd of girls that came in, they’re right there still the Hello Kitty Convention that came in
BigTyme: Hello Kitty Convention?
MrMary: yeah the [insert euphemism for female genitalia] is all flashy with presentation but useless after you get past that
ToughGuy to BigTyme: He’s been like this all fucking night… I dunno man he was using the word squat-fuck like it was going outta style
BigTyme: As your lawyer I can’t see how this is gonna help you’re image

MrMary: Do you pricks wanna know or not … yeah ? …. good…  I believe that the thread of irony is a major constitutent to the tapestry that is human existence
ToughGuy: Holy shit we got fucking billy Shakespeare at our table
BigTyme: Ah yes the bard, welcome
Mrmary: (sings)

By Gis and by St Charity alack and fie for shame
Young men will do it if they come to it
by Cock they are to Blame

Opehlia’s song …. end scene 

ToughGuy: You memorized that just because it’s the dirtiest line in Hamlet
MrMary: I like putting out the educated, raunchy, and sexually uninhibited by Christian values vibe…  plus in middle English Gis was a contracted or shortened form for Jesus and Cock was a reference to God . Shakespeare was really dirty. The Word Nothing in Middle English was a reference to a female’s sexual organ hence the sexual subtext of Much Ado about Nothing.
BigTyme: I see why you drink alone ….  anyways….. about the waitress cmon stay focused
MrMary: Oh yeah I felt that the most ironic thing a female vegan/vegetarian could do would be to like a good piece of meat, but since she can’t completely suppress the need for  ingesting meat well  she would find a substitute for it …. and from the way she took down the double shot without coughing or choking like the some of the girls in the convention did …well gentleman….. I rest my case

[general chuckling….]

Look at Pamela Anderson. She is was a vegetarian but yet still video taped that homage to meat-sampling. In all honesty I took a gamble worse came to worse She would say: “I like a good piece of meat” and I would have had a some material I could use for that

BigTyme: We’re your only friends aren’t we ?
MrMary: Pretty much, why dont you come sit on my lap Sexy and give me one of those friendly hugs your known for in the law office [blows a kiss to BigTyme]
ToughGuy: Ahh you havent changed at all which is refreshing and scary.

MrMary: Consistency counts anyways let’s  go somewhere else after this, its getting to crowded ….

 

Other MrMary Inappropriate Conversations

Unfortunately these conversations are all pretty much real if you go through them you will see the same bullshit over and over again

Annoying My Friends, Non-Licensed Relationship advice, and a map of Hawaii
My Strange Relationship with Profanity
Cyndi Lauper & the Best argument I’ve ever got into
The Meat Handler, The Joke only Men Get, and Giving you insight into Relationships free (1) of Charge.
James Joyce, Samuel Beckett, & an Offensive Convo with an Old Classmate
An off, toned down convo with another friend and I 
Skinny Women, Evolution, and Lane Bryant
Sharing Personal Stories , Harmonica Playing, and unfair Joking around

 

 

 


mrmarymuthafuckingpoppins:

Reblogging this old post of mine back when times were easier and love less expensive

Originally posted on ASpoonfulofSuga:

I’ve spent a lot of time pumping the rough draft of this post with the writing equivalent of pineapple juice so that it would taste sweet when the expectorant discharge of sarcasm and wit hit the multitudinous  tastebuds of your mental sensory apparatus. Every since I read about it in Glamour I have done this to all my postings.

I’m not always sarcastic, sometimes I am quite taciturn, and silent.  Other times I play the harmonica only to enlarge my already pleonastic collection of mouth organ jokes (A harmonica is also known as the mouth organ as are also ex gf ((that joke killed last Christmas party)). Making people laugh is infinitely more rewarding than prayer or watching reruns of the Wire. But behind all of this boorish badinage, there is a hidden sweetness from which all the words flow.

Why The Sarcasm

We were at a family dinner with my significant other…

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usa1 (1)

Dynamite: Putting 2 Howard Zinn Quotes & an eCard from Le Clown together (1)


Photo taken by United States Army photographer Ronald L. Haeberle on March 16, 1968 in the aftermath of the My Lai massacre showing mostly women and children dead on a road.

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I was reading some Howard Zinn today and while doing so I remembered a magnificent eCard from LeClown. So here it is below your saturday Afternoon LeClown Sammich. Coincidentally the LeClown Sammich is a sexual act I read about while I was a passenger on a steam train to Cleveland. Anyways I thought what better way to make a salient point than by making the eCard and by extension Le Clown the figurative meat between two buns ( emphasis on the uhnsz!!!)

It will be an orgiastic feast for your mind. I know that when I am the meat between two buns my knees hurt after a while and my predilection for grabbing pony tails manifests itself but that’s beside the point.

Americans have been taught that their nation is civilized and humane. But, too often, U.S. actions have been uncivilized and inhumane.

Howard Zinn

eCard from LeClown

If patriotism were defined, not as blind obedience to government, nor as submissive worship to flags and anthems, but rather as love of one’s country, one’s fellow citizens (all over the world), as loyalty to the principles of justice and democracy, then patriotism would require us to disobey our government, when it violated those principles

We have thrown away the most valuable asset we had — the individual’s right to oppose both flag and country when he believed them to be in the wrong. We have thrown it away; and with it, all that was really respectable about that grotesque and laughable word, Patriotism. We grow up in a controlled society, where we are told that when one person kills another person, that is murder, but when the government kills a hundred thousand, that is patriotism.

Yeah… that’s it…

I hope you enjoyed that salient reflection, I know I did. Excuse me while my mind smokes a cigarette and makes a mental note not to call the next day

-MrMary