I have this shame that won’t go – A Satirical Open Letter to WordPress about Freshly Pressed

This post was inspired by someone called Michelle W. She wrote the following blog post entitled What Makes a Post Freshly Press-able: There Is a Light That Never Goes Out. In this post she pick a recently FreshlyPressed post to serve as an example. Here are two main points she raised:

• The opening line made us sit up and take notice. – “My ex-husband died tonight.” There was no cute story gently introducing the topic, no collage of family photos, no loving words about the deceased; just four simple words landing on our screens with a thud.
• She pulled no punches. – True to her opening line, she was honest about her ex-husband, their relationship, and herself. This is not a storybook memorial to a prince charming. It’s a real-life look at the flexibility and resilience of the ties that bind family members, even those from whom we think we’re unfettered.

She leaves us with this powerfully gripping words:  To write so openly and eloquently about such a deeply personal experience takes another level of bravery, one that we’re moved to acknowledge. 

I took some moments to let these sagacious words sink in, sink deep in. Now I am ready to apply what I have learned from the lovely Michelle W. Without Further Ado: here it is.

I have this shame

that won’t go no matter how much I shower

by MrMary MF Poppins

I was the aggressor today. Today I had to push back. But in my defense there was only so much I could take before I had to respond. I wasn’t briefed before-hand on the proper etiquette to take into an annual Prostate Exam. I had braced myself all morning for this and was apprehensive to say the least.

You wouldn’t initially think it, but the doctor’s amazingly sensitive hands made the exam quite uncomfortable especially when in hushed tones he commanded me to push down back on it. My anxiety instantly rose to a crescendo and my body clenched up. With just a simple suggestion, I had gone from being the victim to now the aggressor before I could dwell more on this surprising turn of events, I soon felt a soft touch on my shoulder. “It’s ok, I know it’s your first time, relax and let my fingers free. Deep breathes. 

Many Americans suffer in silence this nefarious humiliation, and today it was my turn. As a man I had grown up with a stern father who would rather us be serious than smile. His philosophy on pain was to take it, and take it deep, within that is in silence so that not a soul would know. Taking it deep was my philosophy in life but how ironic now to be in this position. I would have never thought that taking it involved an over-zealously large college alumni ring, class of 86 from what I could tell through the glove.

I quickly I turned my thoughts away from the exam and from my blossoming erection that immediately called into question my sexual preference, and desperately tried to find my happy place. In the end I wasn’t successful and I carry a shame that cannot be cleansed not until all the remaining lubricant exits the lower reaches of my large intestine and this involuntary incontinence comes to an end.

How I did

As Michelle so eloquently put: “Sometimes, though, a post slices through the din of the blogosphere on the strength of raw emotion.” Nothing so far in my life, has been as raw as my prostate exam.  These words written here were powerfully gripping just as much as I was powerfully gripping what ever I could to “push down back on it”: the edges of the doctor’s table, my humanity, etc. The opening line made me stand up mostly because I cannot sit down for too long. There was no cute story gently introducing the topic, no collage of photos, of my prostate and the pathway to reach it, no loving words about college rings; just five simple words that took you deep into my shame. True to my opening line, I was honest about my bludgeoning, an impromptu erection, and ultimately my state of mind. I expect this to be Freshly Pressed tomorrow or the next day for latest!

Blogging Imitating Life

My prostate exam just like WordPress‘s Freshly Pressed, is the best analogy for life: even though things can be completely shitty there are always good times to be had.

Every day a hidden directorate of 19 beings hand-pick 19 new blog posts for promotion to the Freshly Pressed . The verdict is still out on whether they are human or  advanced automatons that come to life from the dark recesses of a technocratically-minded dystopian novel. The one thing all these posts have in common is that they enlighten , inspire, entertain, and get this hidden directorate talking. Unfortunately no one as of yet can discern what entertains, enlightens them or makes them talk.

Like all plutocracies, this shadowy 19 member directorate endeavors to extend their influence through the most nefarious way. While they talk lovingly of our need to share our experiences and be part of a larger community, they have no clear method in place to allow for the community to take part or contribute in this ‘election process’. No one reads more blogs than bloggers looking to quit their day-jobs and leave behind the syphilitic torpor that has over-run their lives. And yet the WordPress blogging community, their wants and needs are not represented by the choices of this shadowy elite.

Of course they will never admit to it. Luckily for them, they have an entrenched disinformation department that puts out blog posts telling us every month how to get freshly pressed.Every now and then they will do something great like post this great interview with Le Clown but that’s only to cover their tracks and dim the light that many of us who are aware of their surreptitious ways shine on their darkness.

What I Propose

I propose to first make access to prostate exams for everyone with a writer’s block regardless of sex easy. I have never thought clearer while my plumbing was being worked on. Secondly I give you a tentative plan drafted by me and my imagined followers that can restore legitimacy to the Freshly Pressed Institution. I have named it The 5 Ring Finger Points after my prostate exam.

I will give you two of my 5 fingers now to wet whet your appetite for more and to bring this discussion to the table. Also as every gentleman knows more than two at once would just be wrong.

The 5 Ring Finger Points: 2/5

1. There should be a voting system were bloggers can vote a blog post for inclusion into the Freshly Pressed 19.  This can be done with a button next to the like  option that comes with  drop down menu for the what category the post will fall into. The categories can be shuffled around and on a  designated day results can be given. This can be done once a month or once a week, I leave that open to WordPress because after all I am a gentleman.

2. You cannot include the WordPress Daily blog as part of the 19, that just malarkey.

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REBLOG THIS POST

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Reblog this if you feel there should be more input from  bloggers with  Freshly Pressed

Reblog this is you’d like  my other fingers thrust into this discussion.

Reblog this if you stand for democracy

Reblog this if  you don’t know what a technocratic dystopia would look like

Reblog this if you think I am full of it

Check Me out Making fun of Freshly Pressed

1. Bitterly Pressed Fall Edition: Here’s a Hot Cup of Hate for WordPress’s Freshly Pressed
2. Why WordPress’s Freshly Pressed Is a Sham – Exposing the dreamworld we believe to be real.
3. Bitterly Pressed: Notes on the Toilet After a day as a Vegan
4. Bitterly Pressed: The Market’s Loose Women Selection Has Improved Lately (Humor)
5. How Not to Get Freshly Pressed
6. SAT Word Charged 2012 Resolution List, Kvetching about Freshly Pressed, & the Occupy WordPress Movement (OWP)
7. Kindly Freshly Press These: 2011 My Year of Bullshit Photography