Jocular look @Today’s News: Hands-free-sperm-donation-machine in China


Hands-Free Sperm Extractor: Zhengzhou Central Hospital In China Introduces New Donation Machine

When it comes to sperm donation, these scientists are trying to give you a hand. Researchers at Zhengzhou Central Hospital in China have created a device that helps men retrieve semen without lifting a finger. The hands-free sperm donation machine, called a “sperm extractor,” has an adaptable massager that adjusts to the height of the donor’s pelvis and allows the user to manipulate the temperature, amplitude, frequency and speed, the Times Of Indiareported.

The machine also has a display screen and a surround sound system, presumably to help the man focus on his job without distraction. Zhu Guoxin, director of the urology department at the Zhengzhou Central Hospital, said the extractor can be used for donation, but it’s mostly likely going to be handed down to men with infertility issues. “When a male infertility patient comes for treatment, we must first fully inspect the sperm which requires sperm extraction,” he said, according to “This machine is only recommended for patients that had difficulty retrieving sperm.”

He also stressed that anyone using the machine must use a condom and that lubricant and chemicals on condoms can affect the accuracy of the test results. The hands-free goo-getting gadget is currently only at Zhengzhou Central Hospital, but could be coming to a fertility clinic near you soon, according to the Daily Mail, which reports that one website is already selling models of the machine for $2,800. The website is promoting it stating, “It can give patients very comfortable feeling.”

 MrmaryWeighs In

I don’t know what to even say about this. I’m certain it is a some sort of technological move forward for humanity. But maybe aside from saying that this kind of weirds me out, this can be used to help solve certain problems.

  1.  Put one in the back of every Church or Rectory there just might be less scandal for the Catholic Church
  2. Maybe the Chinese and Japanese Diplomats can use this instead of this pseudo brinkmanship policy they have towards the Diaoyu Islands

Let me tell you about the Diaoyu Islands:

Riots have broken out in China over the disputed Islands, even though the islands were never under Chinese rule. (Which isn’t to say China doesn’t believe the islands were part of its territory, only that the islands were apparently vacant when Japan annexed them in 1895. Please see clarification below.) The Japanese believe the islands belong to Japan. The Japanese Defense Minister takes comfort from U.S. Assistant Secretary of State Kurt Campbell‘s acknowledgement that the islands fall under the umbrella of the U.S.’s security pact with Japan. As it happens, it appears that the dispute is really all about the right to explore for potential oil reserves around the islands’ waters.

Oil rears its ugly head again. There is something almost lascivious about men fighting over oil  especially with the victors having the right to drill hard and pump fast for that sticky libation, that inflates the egos of nations world wide.

Which plan do you like #1 or #2




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    • Hey Suzanita,

      How ya been dear? I have mixed feelings on this like. I’m like existence is always punctuated by loneliness and isolation so having something to pass the time hands free and minimal clean-up I suppose is good. Then again I dunno I dont think they are marketing it right. “Are you too shy for the weekly meetup for the Circle jerk Crew, have T-rex arms to short to off yourself, then look no further than the Chinese Sperm Extractor” After hearing about the horror of chinese toothpaste a few month back I’d be skeptical to try. Like what it over sucks, what if it under-sucks, what if it doesn’t give me a second chance because I had to much whiskey right before ?

      “thoughts of a dry brain in a dry season” – TS Eliot


  1. LOL…If I were a guy I might just try it once for the yuks – but really, what guy out there would want to use this thing, when they’ve got two hands? And is this a one-size-fits-all kinda thing?!


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