How Not to Get Freshly Pressed


As a professor I have helped many people understand complex mental concepts like using deodorant for summer session classes as well topics like electrophilic aromatic substitutionalgorithmic complexity and its ramifications in computation biology and the Flintstones. Sometimes for students having difficulties wrapping their minds around obtuse topics they can have a breakthrough by exploring the negative. What do I mean by that? For instance look at the statement:

How to Pass my Class:

  • Homework is work 30 %  there are 10 assignments  and they are all mandatory
  • Pass the final worth 40% ,
  • There is 30% participation  etc

Some students cannot get something so simple. So usually I  work with the negative:

How to not Pass my Class

  • You not wearing deordorant because bad smells make me angry, and when I am angry I grade harshly. One time This fucker stunk up my glass and every time I talked about carbocation formation I could taste gyro in the air, minus 10 points.
  • Don’t due your homework assignments/ or pass the final or participate – this pisses me me off and I have to write up a report on you and include it in your transcript so that the mark of your shame can follow you for years to come.

Helping You With the Negative

I thought I could help you all out by sharing “What to do to not get Freshly Pressed!” The Daily Post at WordPress has given us this article:” What makes a Post Freshly Pressable?”  I couldn’t help it, I had to try and lampoon and  make fun of that post, as you all know I have a history of making fun of and a mockery out of WordPress’ Freshly Pressed. ( Don’t believe me have a look at my article)

How 2 of my Fav bloggers ruined my Campaign against WordPress

Initially I wrote:

We have been given the opportunity to hear from some [I removed the curse words here] working at WordPress how the Freshly Pressed thing works. Please read the original article here and support  my comment all the way at the end like a modern day Rosa Parks before she grew a pair.

My Comment

This may sounds like a dumb idea but I think while a panel picks who will be freshly pressed it might work to have a month long vote-in kind of feature where other bloggers nominate the bloggers they like and love for the honor. I think that way you get a little bit of feedback and it further strengthens the WordPress community in many ways

Recent Development

This mysterious WordPress Worker actually responded to me and said

Not dumb at all – we’re working on ways to have community involvement. You’re totally right about the impact on the community. Great minds!

See ladies flattery can get you everywhere with me. I immediately toned down the sarcasm and cynicism of this post and had to completely re-work things. I had to remove phrases like Godless Sodomite, servile cupidity,  etc. But don’t think I went soft, I’m still erect, uhm …. the post still has enough kick to it to maintain my street cred on WordPress,

WHAT NOT TO DO

According to the article every day 19 people are chosen to be Freshly Pressed  that is about 6935  people a year not bad being that there are 421,846 bloggers on currently on WordPress;  that’s a good 16% of wordpress users get freshly pressed in a year. The mass majority of blogs getting freshly pressed are these seemingly happy go lucky fucktards without a care or concern in the world. They go to festivals backpack, through exotic locations, have time to cook and take pictures of the stuff they are making and have the personality of dried up sperm on a rest station bathroom floor. Some of these low achieving mofos have time to make legos do cool interesting shit like stand in fucking place.

No one likes that happy shit. You know why that’s not really life for the  majority of people on the planet.  Some people are living in fear, some people cannot drive a car because they were born with vagina, some people may not drive because they were born with a vagaina (see what I did there) many more are dying of hunger or thirst. But it doesn’t matter because some corpulent rotund fucking family of four has decided on a goal of ingesting more and more stuff that’s not nailed down. More importantly they will document this pleonastic gullet cramming-fest all the while wondering at a later date why, no one gives a shit when they get diabetes or other health related issues or when they are denied the opportunity to be driven around COSTCO with a forklift. With that said, here are  10 things to do, which I do that will not get you Pressed.

  Informative and entertaining content

Your content must be  informative and entertaining. Informative and entertaining mean different things to different people. The question is for whom? I will tell you the socially syphilitic parasites that walk around buy more stuff, for the sake of filling their bland empty existence with a semblance of worth. If You are still unaware of who that make be lemme help:

  1. People Who think 50 Shade of Grey is  a Good Book.
  2. People Who give a fuck about Marilyn Monroe decades after she has died. I’m still unsure other than being John F Kennedy’s jiz cup what  she did for the country?
  3. People who think the Olympics stand for something meaningful anymore
  4. People who think buffet eating is a way of life and that fast food is actually food
  5. 75% of people Freshly Posted (Anyone who is my friend and who i follow is under the protection of the 25%)

  The Genius photos genius that fill out the content.

What passes for genius  nowadays?  What if you like non sequitur type of stuff?

 

The organization and layout made reading easy.

I generally feel thats this stage of the game we set the bar lower and lower the easier we make the reading. From now on I am gonna have sections labeled pictures, and section labeled text, I might even put a picture of my dry humping a 3rd grade grammar workbook  just to help people navigate my fucking posts. The dry humping is just for fun a bit excessive but yea just for fun

Be honest,  talk about the world as it is, give your real opinion

The worst thing you can do in this kind of setting, a public blog platform, is tell people how you honestly feel and without all the hang ups of political correctness. I mean to show actual feelings and show that you have depth and aren’t just genetic material roaming around aimlessly like two headed sperm in side the meat cave of a drunk chick. I mean showing yourself for what you are past the facade of a happy go luckily photographer world traveler , or a fat ass mutha-fucker eating all the fucking time. That would be great but it also erroneously assumes that there is something behind the mask of mediocrity.

  Talk in your everyday vernacular

It seems the power that be don’t like regional, colloquial talk what i like to call fucking swear words.  I’m a NY’er and the city has played a role in shaping my world views and I like that to be mirrored in what I write when I write especially things that happen to me in my peregrinations around this mutha-fucka.

  Make fun of bright cheery post that do nothing more than wallow in their own mental excrement.

Hi I’m a  blogger I just got this amazing post of mine  Freshly Pressed its
called the Top Ten Useless Movies Facts You Can Use to masturbate to in a pinch.

  Write about pets, racial issues, or anything that makes people squirm like anal sex

Shameless advertisement: This is not my photo, this photo is from the Rumpy dog blog, go to there site and check out many more cute pics … See i do have a soft side afterall 😉

I have been this pet blog called RumpyDog really cool.  Blogs like this  don’t  usually get nominated or the attention they deserved. Pets are so much a part of our family it would be really nice to see some more recognition for this type of blog.

Write a series of Blog post about WordPress being a Sham and mocking it every chance you get 

Enhanced by Zemanta

5 comments

  1. Well I was dubious about your post (says she who has just written two posts taking the piss out of FP) until I saw Rumpy! yay, for Rumpy. Anyone who likes Rumpy’s blog has to be cool. I do hope your companion canine has a blog?

    Like

  2. Hey. I saw your Bitterly Pressed image on this post and found it would work perfectly for a post of mine. Would you mind if I edit and use it? Is it yours? I will give credit on my blog.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s