Helping Mit Romney – How to Approach Black People

Mitt Romney was booed today when he spoke at the NAACP (motto: a Negro is a terrible thing to waste) Conference. He wanted to make a statement he knows he isn’t  “Colored People’s” monthly discounted Goya or Ethnic aisle canned goods. But as reported by The Los Angeles Times:

Mitt Romney’s speech before the nation’s oldest civil rights organization was framed by his campaign as an olive branch to the black community and a promise to be a president for all people. But his sharp criticisms of President Obama and his vow to repeal Obama’s healthcare plan drew sustained boos — and some in the audience left more energized to work against his campaign.

I want to help Mitt Romney out why, because it seems for this case (appealing to black people is some), his skin color is  his greatest impediment and it must feel weird being on the dilapidated side of the fence everyone  only talks about when new basketball prospects have made it into the NBA for late night ESPN filler or the possibility that Cuba Gooding Jr may find work again being cast in the sequel to Precious: …. “The Kid”.

How to Approach

Things aren’t what they seem to be

Mitt when you came into the places and people clapped for you, it wasn’t because they like you, it was  because they respected the balls your advisers had to send you out here. You must know that government funding to improve metal detectors has percolated everywhere so you get applause

The LA Times Picked up on this:

he received a standing ovation when he arrived to speak to the annual convention of the National Assn. for the Advancement of Colored People in Houston, where many members praised him for having the courage to show up even though 95% of black voters supported Obama four years ago.

SAT scores of some public scores may not indicate so but  coloreds are very adept in the realm of sarcasm.

You Started off Good

Everyone applauded sorta for real, sorta when you talked about championing school reform to close the achievement gap between white and minority students, and that you would push forward  economic policies would help lift Americans from poverty and aid middle-class Americans “of all races.”

We love that shit, like the discounted  plantain chips that are not completely stale yet. We don’t believe it.  I am more likely to believe OJ Simpson talking about humanitarian projects to save lives in Scandinavian countries, but I like to dream too granted money doesn’t talk to me in my dreams, and  Tom Hanks, Jude Law, Cameron Diaz aren’t in my dreams like yours but I dream in color. When I am being lied to I like for it to seem plausible at least.

I mean I dont know who else buys Chris Browns albums. I mean this joker is talking about relationships which is total crap but the way he sings about it makes what he says seem plausible.

You Built up some steam

You gave props to the Big Boss Obama when you noted that few had expected 50 years ago that a black man would become the nation’s 44th president and asserted that despite the civil rights movement of that era “many barriers remain” and “old inequities persist.”

Nigga Guvnah Romney, we ate that Shit up like it was puppy chow. I would clap for that, your writers have been definitely studying BET to help ya.  But thats a bad way to segway. It’s like saying:

“yeah dear I know I havent been putting out a lot and  you been out in the cold, and I have many hurdles  emotional and imaginary to overcome so we can be intimate, but here is why that hope of you ever getting any is never going anywhere.”

It’s hard to talk about how momentous having a Black president is to blacks and then talk about why he sucks. Clearly your writers haven’t seen Best Man, Love and Basketball and other black films that defined a generation

Shit I just can’t Fucking Believe

“With 90 percent of African Americans voting for Democrats, some of you may wonder why a Republican would bother to campaign in the African-American community, and to address the NAACP.  Of course, one reason is that I hope to represent all Americans, of every race, creed or sexual orientation, from the poorest to the richest and everyone in between.

Nigga,  Ahem: Guvnah Romney: You got money in places that some black people I know can’t spell or find on a map. You are worth $250 mil and didn’t have to do commercial for Nestle Crunch like Shaq or get your own sneaker out like D-Wade, your Pops was a Governor, from how you walk You obviously don’t have a jump shot, if I draw the double team as I try to make it to the basket are u gonna be able to understand what I am doing and fall back  for the pass ?

“I have no hidden agenda. If you want a president who will make things better in the African American community, you are looking at him. Take a look.”

Some of us have managed to learn to read in between selling drugs dropping out of school and raping people in prison (I mean that’s how we are shown on OZ, I’m guessing that how people see us). I read the following in the 5th grade:

1964 threatens to be the most explosive year America has ever witnessed. The most explosive year. Why? It’s also a political year. It’s the year when all of the white politicians will be back in the so-called Negro community jiving you and me for some votes. The year when all of the white political crooks will be right back in your and my community with their false promises, building up our hopes for a letdown, with their trickery and their treachery, with their false promises which they don’t intend to keep. As they nourish these dissatisfactions, it can only lead to one thing, an explosion….

– Malcolm X  The Bullet or the Ballot

I could Go on but ….

I just did the math, while it took balls to come down and talk to the NAACP, you don’t really need to, the US population is 311,591,917, African-Americans are 14% I believe or a whopping 46,322,868.  In the past 90% of us voted for Obama (39,260,581). I’m guessing at least 50% of those who voted for Obama in the past will do so again so that’s really approximately 19,500,000 votes, not that important when you can raise a 100 million dollars  in a month for your campaign or realistically speaking, buy the presidency. But here is what you can do for us:

  1. Find out how Diddy ruins Everyone’s career right after a major hit or two. Where is Craig Mack?
  2. Be the first one to buy LL Cool J’s new Album. He promises it will change the rap game, its about time that diapers been dirty for a while
  3. Give a speech at the Apollo and have Lauryn Hill and nas open for you singing If I Ruled the World.
  4. Explain some things for me about mormonism like:
    • Why early writings describing dark skin as a curse and mark from God
    • Mormon leaders beginning with Brigham Young instituted a policy of excluding most people of black African descent (regardless of actual skin color) from Priesthood ordination and from participation in temple ceremonies. These practices continued in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS Church) until the 1978 Revelation on Priesthood. Associated with this policy were various statements by church leaders tying the policy to their view of scripture, and opining that black men and women had inherited the curse of Ham.
      • Niggas – We like pork and pork products,  but the curse of Ham , cmon


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  1. I understand that, in an effort to prevent something like this from happening again, Romney’s campaign staff have arranged to introduce Mitt to an actual black person.


  2. Nice post. The intriguing thing to me about Romney and other ultra rich Republicans is that they are not only incapable of relating to or understanding black people, they also don’t represent hardly any white people either. It kills me that normal working class white people support someone like Romney. It’s like caviar and spam. But unfortunately, the spam eaters can’t figure it out.


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