This Fourth of July Im Declaring War

Try this, Type in War on in Google and click enter. You may not be able to handle what it is you see.  I never thought America was a war like country, I mean the Stallone and Chuck Norris movies always showed one guy, on a singular missions destroying the Vietnamese and the Russians. Turn out we are fighting imaginary wars as well:

War on Poverty
War on Drugs
War on Terror
War on Women
War on Christmas
War on Guns
War on Cancer
War on Voting
War on War
War on Iran
War on Secrecy
War on Science
War on Democracy
War on Marijuana
War on Junk

I want to declare war on something  too. I am my Generations Greatest Patriot so I should formally declare war on something. But what, my first inclination is to declare war on women with no asses that chose to wear thongs. Don’t get me wrong, The having no ass wont deter me from consensual randomly scheduled man-meat feedings. personally I feel that you should be happy with whatever you got. However I am not a fan of waste,  I dont feel midgets should buy stuff from Shaq’s garage sale, anyways I digress. How does one declare war ? How does one select what is worthy of an all out attack?  I know teh president has “baseball cards”:

A stunning report in the New York Times depicted President Obama poring over the equivalent of terrorist baseball cards, deciding who on a “kill list” would be targeted for elimination by drone attack. The revelations—as well as those in Daniel Klaidman’s recent book—sparked public outrage and calls for congressional inquiry.

Personally I’ve never liked baseball that much let alone the baseball cards and the stale stick of gum, if I wanted something dry and stale to chew one I would visit the afore-mentioned no-ass thong wearing girl [The breeze that goes through there must dry that shit up – actually lemme quit horsing around, it definitely does]

Learning From the Best

When I am in times of trouble, and am trying to figure stuff out I often turn to religion. In this case my personal spiritual adviser former street pimp, voted pimp of the year 13 years in a row, turned reverend His Holiness The Archbishop Don Magic Juan. But while pimping and going to war have a lot in common:

  1. Generally someone is always getting fucked in war, but more importantly they are  not getting kissed during .
  2. You always have to pay extra when you shoot your load too quickly
  3. They are both “Not Easy”
  4. Reefer usage and STD’s are intrinsic to both.

I felt that the Archbishop  wasn’t the right person to turn to for guidance. I was going to have to make some bullshit up as i went along because well I am not wearing any pants and have drank a lot.So I turned to language.

Looking at the wars listed I see something common, the fact that nouns or more important sovereign insitutions are whom the wars are being waged against. These are not wars against people directly, but they are wars on ambigious vague things, like a war on war or a war on terror. So my first  indication is that my war should be against something that is sort of ambiguous or not necessary clear. Also  The war should do nothing to address roots causes. The war against drugs shouldnt address why people take drugs recreational , just criminalize taking drugs.

Classifying War

There are 3 types of wars you will read about in the new today which are of course disconnected to the wars beign fought out in countries we the public know little about:

  1. War against a condition – Being a women means you are a women affected by the condition of having a vagina same can be said for the war on poverty. Poverty is a condition as is being Iranian. I need to criminalize things that cant be changed like skin color, liking Everyone Loves Raymond, nationality, wanting to eat at the all you can dick buffet if you are gay for instance,  thinking Noomi Rapace did a good job in Prometheus, having to left feet
  2. War against inanimate things – War on Guns, War on Sporks that come with public school lunches., war on drugs the thinking here is to remove the thing but not deal with the behaviors that govern how they are used.
  3. War against Actions – War against voting, war against littering,  War against wearing clothes, War against drinking sugary beverages.  Very similar to the war on inaminate things in that the reality that governs acceptability and proper usage is never discussed.

I myself am a syncretist, like Wilt Chamberlain I like a little of everything. So I am going to go for an ambiguous war on an action involving and inanimate thing caused by a condition I was born with but can do nothing about.

This July 4th

I want All Hands on Deck !!!!

MrMary Declares War on Insomniac Masturbating to Telemundo  










It’s my person war against an act (self-loving) caused by a condition (having a penis) that uses a seemingly innocuous tool (television shows on Telemundo). I have purposefully not discussed the reason behind the act or the context defining the social norms about where/how and why  the inanimate object is used but the title is not ambiguous enough.

Official Name

War on Intimacy

(Perfect- not adjectives in that only two noun and a preposition)

Stay tuned for the Official Image


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