The Model Who Loved Me, MacGuyver, and My Biggest Heartbreak

Some one asked me about my first major heartbreak, and was surprised it wasn’t that German amateur model I sorta dated, actually I still don’t know what it is from how confusing things got. I clean up nicely and I think I have game. I told them another harrowing tale. See I dont believe in anything that has true before it, true-love, true-blood, true-lies, true-word, True Story. What do I believe then? I believe that everything has meaning. I also believe each life is like a road there are many people who walk on or through it for a little time and they each add something to it. We make the best of what we have in the moment and we either chose to move on or not.

But the following is my official answer to the question: MrMary what was your first major heartbreak?

Where it began I can’t begin to knowing

(That song is completely random I sang this once in a Rite Aid that played it loudly on the speakers with my then girl who giggled uncontrollably for a good 5 minutes)

Richard Dean Anderson as MacGuyver

I remember it like it was yesterday. In part because I was watching reruns of my favorite shows as a kid. I always loved science and I love explosion and everything loud. I loved the A-team, Knight Rider, Airwolf, MacGuyver … anything with explosions or people making stuff out of thin air. I am very inquisitive and love to create stuff, I love to inquire about all sorts of phenomena.  When my father gave me the ultimatum to either study science and be a pre-medical student, although I hated it I figured I was always good at science. I figured I could be pretty bad-ass at it. I got a degree in Chemistry and a Masters in something else science related.  But that is where the story takes a sad turn.

The Epic Heart Break

I did research for many years and I loved it. But I found that I could never think independently. I came up with some good ideas but didn’t get credit for them because I was young and what could I know. Research in the lab was all I had at some point, my home life was hellacious and there was no way out really. So I continued on.

Turns out that nowadays science is dominated by grants. The most interesting stuff doesn’t get funded, and some people doing the most cutting edge stuff are never heard about.  Brilliant fucking mind so of linger in obscurity.  That killed my soul to be unable to ask certain questions, to think creatively outside the box, to be brutally honest. What made it worse were the arrogant assholes scientist with their personalities.  Not to mention hours and hours of work with excessively small pay  and many other abuses in the field as we have with any profession. Science to me is an old boys club.

That was the second major slap in the face, first being forced into something unprepared.  No computer, no money for books no food sometimes and having to make the best of it, and then finding out first hand so much of what I was working for is bullshit or had heaping shovel full of bullshit added to it.  That killed my soul. Then I  started up a not for profit and was really able to help some inner city kids and that tanked, because of some non-sense between my business partners. I tried to start another business to help Haiti after the earthquake but that was unsuccessful.


I dont have any big projects I am working on. I am working on getting my health better, taking care of a few debts. Meanwhile while I ponder my next few moves I am stuck in a room the size of a closet with no windows, programming and analyzing  data. I smell something in the air so let’s see what will happen, I’m always optimistic for the future. I wanna assemble of a team of cool people to work with  and then do some big things.

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