Well my dears,
I have come home not to long ago and I have had a great night. I didn’t get laid but I did get hit on by 50+ year old women on the E train going into Queens. Its seems that muscles, a job, nice personality and 2 award winning blogs aren’t enough to get one some company on a Friday night.
I have been wrestling with an issue for the last two weeks concerning the bog namely how much of myself do I share. As you all know MrMary is a character based upon an exaggerated version of my regular self. I wonder of course how much of me do you really want to know? I have had a difficult and strange life. According to what my therapist and I have concluded I am a complicated man, and sometimes it makes me laugh to see the responses I get to some of the readers I talk to. I love the wow your so nice, I expected you to be a
2_) sodomite of yore
3_) a rapscallion
4_) an uncouth syphilitic barbarian
5-) a sex crazed lunatic
Today TheSandyTongue shared some personal stuff and it inspired me to share some stuff, but I was still after reading it hesitant to do so. Over the years I have mastered the art of saying a lot about myself without saying anything really. I have known people for years who know a lot of facts about me but little about me. So what to do? what to share. I could share with you my hopes, my fears, the episode of my life of deep pain, of sorrow, moments of redemption. but so what. Those episode are so full of meaning so life changing, so full of meaning to speak about them, is to place them in a coffin of words nailed shut with some misguided intent that someone really wants to know.
See there, that’s my problem. I’ve spent so much time in solitude and in silence that it has become for me how I express myself. The greatest happiness and sorrow for me have been a silent affair, and with the exception of a very very few people no one cares to know the person behind the jokes, never ending silliness. I guess that is why I am in therapy. I do not know how to be happy or what that is, I often times cannot seem to be happy or maintain any sort of happiness. I don’t like too much attention or anything fancy, aside from books and an XBOX, I’ve never bought anything for myself. Whatever money I had I gave to my lady, or to my sister for her schooling or broke ass college student fund, or bought treats for my pets. (I sold my Xbox to get my then lady something she wanted)
Today coming home I saw an older woman crying in the streets and the conversation went like this:
Hey Dear, whats wrong why Are you Crying
This guy…. he helped me to move out to here, that apartment building….but then he left me….I cant get home to my daughter….
What’s your daughter’s name?
(sobs) Alexis …
That’s a beautiful name…Tell me what she looks like …
(she smiles) she is this tall she has big brown eyes …she likes chocolate chip cookies
That’s sweet… I never trust a kid who doesn’t like chocolate chip cookies…. How can you resist a good cookie huhn?
(laughter) yeah I know …. How will you get home… you’re in Long Island… Right?….
Yeah I would take the bus right there …to the LIRR (the Long Island Railroad)
Ye I’ve been on the LIRR, …it’s a good night to take it, the Rangers aren’t playing and there no drunk schmucks on the train
Yeah ….lol they can get so bad
hmmmm …. (silence) …Here is what I will do here is $5 I will sit with you and wait for the bus , go home and give your daughter a hug for me and don’t worry… If strangers can come out of the night and help you get home tomorrow should be fine
The lady starts crying . She tells me I am an angel and that life has been so hard for her and her daughter. She tells me when she moves into the neighbourhood she will look for me, and maybe we can share a coffee and chocolate chip cookie. I smile and nod and tell her bus is coming she gives me a big hug and kiss on the cheek and I quickly leave the scene. Disappear into the night to the patch of floor, I’ve called a home since Aug 5th of last year when I moved into my parents house after my own life and health took a real turn for the worse.
I have what I need nothing extra and I am content. If something happens and I feel like laughing I will laugh and wake up the neighbourhood, if sometimes happens and I cry I will cry. I’d like to think my weird quirks aside, my strangeness and all that the end of my life will be meaningless. I have made it a point to forget whatever kindness I have done to others and keep before my mind the behaviours I need to improve in the hopes that I would have been less of a dick then I might have been. I have in the course of my own struggles and illness said my goodbyes I want to live fully whatever time I have left to the fullest and sometimes that means I get angry when I see that for the sake of greed, people don’t want universal healthcare, or that for the sake of xenophobia people turn a blind eye to the horrible conditions immigrants and the poor live with on a daily basis. I do what I can to express that. I started two business to help address some of the ills of my community, did a lot of pro bono work when my health didn’t allow.
and that’s all I can share tonight, that’s Dave (my real name) in a nutshell
Special thanks to some bloggers who have talked to me in the ambiance of friendship and encouraged me to share, I hope this is the sufficient, namely :