The Afghan War & My Status as The Greatest Patriot of My Generation

Someone asked me what real things have I done that prove that I am the greatest American of my Generation and I thought I would tackle that issue here in on the blog where all you pre-diabetics get your fill of sugar before you penultimately check out of reality and make a permanent home in blandness

An American Precedent

I always comb through the annals of american history as a way to refine how I approach life, the illusion and the pursuit of an fictitious drugged up happiness. The more recent the historical account the better . Your only as good as your last fight/performance. So naturally to better my performance In the bedroom I look to the American War in Afganistan. Why, well because hidden in reality of whats going on that I dont want to know about are pearls and gems of wisdom . Let me show you one:

 Radio warns Afghans over food parcels

The United States is seeking to avert further criticism over the use of cluster bombs in Afghanistan by warning the Afghan people not to confuse unexploded bombs with food drops.

Do not confuse the cylinder-shaped bomb with the rectangular food bag

US Psy-ops radio

Embarrassingly, the bombs’ yellow casing means that from a distance they are hard to distinguish from the emergency food parcels wrapped in yellow plastic that US planes have been dropping over the last few weeks.


That as anyone can imagine is an action packed few minutes just like sex with MrMary, you never know if you’re gonna get bombed on or fed. Some of the women of my past amorous encounters have stipulated that there no difference between the two extremes. It turns out historically this was accurate to has both the bombs and food  killed people and disrupted the Afghan way of life :

  1.    The food in the packets is usually spoiled. These plastic-wrapped meals weren’t made to be dropped from 25,000 to 40,000 feet.   You see, these plastic-wrapped meals weren’t made to be dropped from 25,000 to 40,000 feet. As they freefall, the air pressure causes them to expand like balloons, and the cold at those altitudes makes the outer plastic brittle. If they haven’t already split during their plummet, they probably will when they hit the ground. Some burst wide open, while others got small tears, letting in water, dirt, and debris.
  2. In all, the team found that over 90% of the meal packets had been damaged and were contaminated by fungus or bacteria. They emitted a gaseous odor and foul smell,” according to the report. But because the Afghans were so hungry, or because they thought that’s how American kibble is supposed to smell, they wolfed down the food anyway. When large numbers of people got sick, the Taliban said that the U.S. was poisoning them. The government countered that the Taliban must’ve been tainting the food packs to frame the U.S. Neither side was apparently right.
  3. Each plane would dump 35,000 of these little projectiles, which reached speeds of up to 100 miles per hour. The team didn’t report on anyone hurt by plummeting packets, but they did see several huts with holes in their roofs caused by falling food.

How I Channel this in the Bedroom

I am the greatest Patriot of my Generation and this is how I channel this articulation of the American Spirit into my casual encounters of the bludgeoning kind (guys of acceptable boning age take note)

  1. First I remove any idea that  I should worry about satisfying the needs of the other person I’m trying to help helping myself to
  2. I shower the ears of my meat-starved peasant with praise while  at the other end of that mess, I eschew all use of lubricating and to drop into it
  3. I turn the lights out and use black condoms, yes they are extra large but also all black, that way in the dark one never knows when or where one will receive what me and Santa have deemed to be a deserving gift. That sack of coal you hear children got for being bad or Naughty….yeah..I know… …the more you know
  4. I make sure to leave a box of Kleenex by the night stand so that while I finish I can drop both tissues and well my salted essence at the same time , in such opposing places as to make the mess bigger if one goes for the napkin which given all the zinc supplements and pineapple juice I’m taking will be necessary


Enhanced by Zemanta

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s